I've been sucked in...

[ifuknow]

I'm an OC and have never had a great relationship with DM, she's very difficult, likes to be centre of attention, nothing is ever good enough, guilt trips etc...
I understand why she is the way she is and have accepted that I'll never live up to her expecations.
I live 100s of miles away and visit once a month for a long weekend which I can cope with. She's a widow but has plenty of friends and help with housework and gardening.
She's now got cancer, and since diagnosis early this year has been very bitter, despite having had a long healthy life. I've been visiting more regularly forfeiting time with my own family, to support her. I suppose I'm hoping that she'll tell me what a fantastic daughter I am, but so far I'm getting mostly criticism. She seems to think that because she's ill, I shouldn't be able to do anything enjoyable either, not that I've got any time to anyway.
I don't know how to handle the situation. I'm getting increasingly stressed as all I do is work and visit DM, if I felt I was appreciated it would make it easier. I know I'll miss her when she's gone and feel horrible wanting this to be over.
DH is very supportive, but he's pointed out that I'm making a rod for my own back as this situation could
go on for a long time.
What should I do?

[Jan45]

Poor you, you've done everything you can to be kind and good, your mum aint for changing even with the cancer.

If I was you I would try reducing my visits without feeling guilty if that's possible.

Don't forfeit your family time, esp if she has friends and help, it's not as though you are going to get any thanks for it!

[Smilesandpiles]

Nothing you do will ever be enough. You could move in with her and it still wouldn't be enough. She could be on her death bed and you could have given her life saving surgery, and it wouldn't be good enough. You know this already.

You need to be stronger for your own sanity. Let her "friends" take up some of the slack seeing as nothing you do is right...in a way, you are going to have to feel like a teenager again and rebel.

You know she is playing games and has upped it by using her illness as a guilt trip, something to drag you in and play with you.

You can not let her do this. Go back to visiting her as you did before the diagnosis. Your DH is right, this could go on for a while yet and the only person who will be broken by it is you. You will still feel guilty because she will find something to make you feel guilty about and now she has one hell of a weapon to use against you

Cut the visits right back. Stay strong and remember she's playing a vicious game that you never asked to join.

[LisaMed]

I got an amazing phone package with loads of unlimited calls then rang my late mother every night for a listen.

I didn't listen much. I made 'mm-mm' noises while playing on the Sky free battleships game (it was a long time ago). She felt better and I let a lot of it bounce off.

When mad uncle was being particularly difficult I played 'Plants vs Zombies'. I went through it twice while listening to him being away with the fairies.

I don't often suggest counselling but I think you would be better off getting some rather than extra time with your mother. When my mother died I felt relief and I found it difficult to deal with. Suddenly not being heavily criticised for everything was an odd place to be in.

There is a lot you can do practically and emotionally at the end of a phone, but whatever you do you will feel you are wrong. It took a long time for me to give myself permission to be okay with what I can do and not try and go beyond my limits. I am still rubbish at recognising my limits.

Sending hugs and wishing you luck.

[ifuknow]

Thank you for your replies. Yes I do need to stay strong. I've made the mistake of thinking that this is a situation where I can prove what a good daughter I am. I feel like a child again desperately trying to gain her approval. And I'm scared of how I'll feel when she's gone as she's been such a dominant personality in my life. I know this is screwed up thinking and unhealthy.

[StarsforAngels]

Sounds like your Mum is the one who is mentally unhealthy not you.

[StarsforAngels]

I have a critical Mother and now that I have my own family I m truly devastated by some of her unkind behaviour to all members of our immediate family. I would hate to ever think I could cause that much pain to my own children. I had to have 8 months of counselling in pregnancy as I was overwhelmed in part by my mothers behaviour towards me. It is hard as I too try to play the part of child trying to prove themselves. Don't beat yourself up about it though I think its normal to seek assurance and approval from ones parents - after all when we were younger how they treated us affected whether we survived. There is a book called toxic parents that I've seen mentioned a lot on mumnet - I'm still finding it tough going but you sound quite mature (I do not mean old!) so it might be of benefit.

Stay strong. Unfortunately some of us are 'blessed' with shitty parents

[Imbroglio]

I think this is one of those situations which are painful, unpredictable, and could haunt you in years to come.

Depending on how ill she is, could you try making it work a bit better for you both by trying something new...

• limit the visits but make them more special. 'sorry I can't do this month but I've saved an extra day so that we can do xx next month'
  
• send a weekly letter with photos (my mum loves to get a photo in the post - she saves them in a special folder)
  
• arrange to spend a bit of time with her friends as well so that you can gauge whats going on a bit better
  
• have her to stay with you for a change?
  
• plan a short trip away - something to look forward to.
  
• if you have children, arrange some quality time with the children as well, and don't be afraid to point out that this is important time for them, too. And does your partner come with you? my mum loves to see the whole family.
  
• in general, don't be afraid to withdraw for a bit if she's a cow. Just say, 'well, we seem to have got on each others nerves a bit this week so I think its best if I see you in a couple of months'
  

As an only child there is a lot of pressure on you, imposed by you on yourself as well as by her.

I'm not underestimating the pressure you must be feeling. I've gone through every shade of shit with my own mum these last few years but I got some bits right in the end and I'll always have those moments. I've withdrawn for a few weeks for my own sanity on more than one occasion and it does help.

[ifuknow]

Thanks Ibroglio I like the idea of trying to make things work better between us. I'd be happy if I could get a few things right and have some good moments to look back on as you have. It will be through rose tinted glasses but important to me to feel as if she does value me.

StarsforAngels She causes me pain because her childhood was very painful, she regularly tells me all the details, but refuses to get help to deal with it, prefering to remain a victim. Now she has a limited life left, I've played into her hands, hoping she'll change her ways. It's hard accepting that this is probably it and I'll never have the mother I've wanted all my life.

[Quitelikely]

Are you strong enough to tell her how you feel? Might she be totally shocked of you confessed you felt you couldn't live up to her expectations? Could you give her an example of her making you feel unappreciated? Maybe write her a letter and be there while she reads it.

I don't always subscribe to the thought that you should internalise things against difficult people just because they won't perceive it as intended. If she takes offence, well that's her problem. It's never too late IMO for someone to see the error of their ways.

I am sorry for you too that she is in ill health. Try not to focus on the fact she isn't who you want her to be but just on how she treats you now. Your a woman now and you don't deserve to be treat in such a way that makes you feel the way you do.

Some people on here might say as she has cancer to let it go but I don't think I could just let it go if someone was treating me that way, regardless of the circumstances.

[ifuknow]

Quite Likely I have talked to her about how she puts me under a lot of pressure, it goes in one ear and out the other, she just glazes over and shrugs. She can never enjoy the moment, when we're out doing something nice she'll say things like "This time next week I'll be on my own again " instead of appreciating what we're doing, or if we're having a meal she talks about what we'll have at the next meal.
She has grand expectations of how events should be, Christmas and her birthday for instance, but won't put any effort into arranging anything, expecting everyone else to do everything. When it doesn't meet her unrealistic vision she moans.
I've tried to encourage her to think more positively, which I think is especially important now she has cancer. But I'm fighting a losing battle. I hate seeing her so unhappy and dissatisfied with everything. I know I just have to let it go, you can lead a horse to water...

[Nevergrowingup]

I can relate to some of the issues you are facing.

Looking back (two years now), I can see things in a less emotional way. Difficult relatives become more-difficult relatives under pressure. If anything, they often crank up their demands and nastiness to a new level.

Take steps to set your own boundaries... work out what you can and can't cope with and then plan your support within those boundaries. With my siblings, we decided to be a step ahead of the demands. You know your DM well, so try and anticipate what she is going to ask for/say next and you will not be surprised again, or thrown into an emotional hole.

I know its easy to say, but it helped us stay sane. For example, issues would be discussed in terms of care/acitivites/plans and everyone was happy. Move to the next morning and the DR (difficult relative) would have moved the goalposts and everything was thrown up in the air.

For us it was all about patterns - we knew how the DR worked and thought. Take the knowledge that you have and realise that you know your DM will not change. It may be that you are dealing with this for a long time and you want to have some sense of normality about your life. Take time to talk and think about it. Take control of your reactions and actions and you will find that having some level of 'say' in the months ahead will help you. And don't apologise for your decisions.

[Nevergrowingup]

I should also say that our DR blamed everyone else for their unhappiness and will continue to do so for the rest of their lives. Its part of the pattern. Don't let your DM make you feel guilty.

[ifuknow]

Thanks Nevergrowingup staying one step ahead sounds like a good plan and shouldn't be difficult as she is predictable. Yes I need to control my reactions and not let emotions get the better of me.
It's good to know others are dealing with DRs too, but life would be much nicer if none of us had to.

[PlumpPartridge]

My difficult mother was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer last December and died in March. I jyst mentally switched off, really. There was no point trying to have a grown-up relationship with her because it simply was not going to happen in the remaining time. I smiled nicely and agreed with everything. I knew she was bitching to my poor dad about me but chose to ignore itas I knew I could have moved in next door and it still wouldn't have been enough.

I do feel relieved now that she's dead, because all the future interactions and angst and drama that I was dreading aren't going to happen. I'm free of her.

I do also feel guilty for feeling relieved, though.

[cafesociety]

I also had a very difficult relationship with my mother and she was diagnosed with cancer, we knew she wasn't going to make it.

As the least favourite offspring [!], she didn't make demands on me as such but eventually softened as she realised I cared for her, loved her [and always had, the problem was her perception of me/her constant competing/criticism/indifference].

It was a difficult time however and I had to consciously set limits and give her what I felt comfortable with, and with what sat well with my conscience, as we had no idea how long the situation would go on for and I had my health to think of too. Without that I would be no support for her.

I chose 2 days of the week for my visits so we all knew where we were [siblings did other days] and I phoned in between visits to talk to nursing staff to gauge if she was up to having a phone conversation or if was too tired. She was a good patient though and I ended up admiring how brave she was ....and the experience turned out to be uplifting and we sorted a lot of things out near the end.

I hope you can find a way of looking after yourself in this, it must be tough to be the OC, and she does sound very unhappy with life. But that is her path in life, it's her personality and it is not your responsibility to attend to that or solve her problems. Good luck, take care of yourself through it all.

[Iflyaway]

My mother was alsoselfish, gets even worse in denentia...

I was dealing with it as a sandwich...
LP with a teenage/20, s son...

All the best!

[ifuknow]

cafésociety thanks for your positive story.
PlumpPartridge it's hard not to feel guilty, but you can get on with your life now. Do you have a good relationship with your DF?
iflyaway I'm thankful that I'm not dealing with dementia, it's the most awful thing IMO.