I really don't know where to turn, I feel like I wish I wasn't here, but I don't because of my angel ds.
I literally have noone. I don't even know where to start.
It must be me because everyone else can't be wrong.
I've had on the whole a crappy abusive childhood, my dads an alcoholic and probably narcissistic, and my mum is an enabler who has always put him first. Despite this I still love them especially my mum and feel guilty and to blame a lot of the time.
My siblings have lots if problems and we just can't have a healthy relationship, they don't respect my boundaries and often try to push me into doing things that I don't want to do or make unreasonable demands, or just generally criticise me for things that normal people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. For example asking for a flannel or kitchen roll to wipe ketchup off ds face means I gave OCD, going back to work when ds was 1 makes me bad, buying ds a bike from Halfords means I got ripped off, I'm stupid, my priorities are wrong (despite me having the money, being up to date with bills and having a small pot of savings, and them being in debt).
I've just returned from a week at my boyfriends and he's text me going mad that I've blocked his toilet. I don't think I have blocked the toilet as I was the last to use this morning and I flushed it, he's since been home and used it, nothing other than toilet paper has been put down there, i rang him but he wouldn't have it and kept saying someone must have blown their nose and left tissue in there and put the phone down on me and now won't speak to me.
Works terrible, I've gone from being an important part of a nice team to my job going due to reorganisation (several identical roles also went), there's a lot more to it but it would be too long but instead of being made redundant I've been put into a new team. There isn't enough work and they treat me like an outsider. For example if I bought a packet of biscuits in and offered them around they'd say no, someone else brings in the same biscuits and they're all over them. They speak about their holidays, I join in and they shut the conversation down. They more or less told me that they didn't want or need any new staff but if I go further up and complain then they say that they'll send me to another office miles away. No way I could get there with childcare.
I've got no friends, I don't seem to fit in anywhere, I can make small talk and I have acquaintances, I'm quite boring, I'm not exceptional at anything. I've had close friends but we've drifted apart because they were only interested in going out drinking and I got to a point where I didn't want to do that anymore. Now I seem to have not much in common with anyone. Everyone seems to be buying houses and getting married and I'm stuck in a rut.
I don't think I'm depressed, I enjoy life, I enjoy things, films, TV, books, cinema, going for a walk in the park, shopping, all the normal things that people do.
But it seems as though every time I feel happy someone knocks me down.
I'm not particularly nasty or confrontational, I'm an introvert and just want a quiet life but it seems as though people can't just be nice.
There's a lot more to all of this and I know I sound like a loser who's feeling sorry for myself but I genuinely do try to pick myself up time and time again from things that keep happening that are out of my control and I don't know how to make it better
I've sat here sobbing tonight and feel so alone.
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Feel like shit have noone.
9 replies
Rainydayssunnydays · 30/07/2014 23:25
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