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Relationships

Feel like shit have noone.

9 replies

Rainydayssunnydays · 30/07/2014 23:25

I really don't know where to turn, I feel like I wish I wasn't here, but I don't because of my angel ds.

I literally have noone. I don't even know where to start.

It must be me because everyone else can't be wrong.

I've had on the whole a crappy abusive childhood, my dads an alcoholic and probably narcissistic, and my mum is an enabler who has always put him first. Despite this I still love them especially my mum and feel guilty and to blame a lot of the time.

My siblings have lots if problems and we just can't have a healthy relationship, they don't respect my boundaries and often try to push me into doing things that I don't want to do or make unreasonable demands, or just generally criticise me for things that normal people wouldn't bat an eyelid at. For example asking for a flannel or kitchen roll to wipe ketchup off ds face means I gave OCD, going back to work when ds was 1 makes me bad, buying ds a bike from Halfords means I got ripped off, I'm stupid, my priorities are wrong (despite me having the money, being up to date with bills and having a small pot of savings, and them being in debt).

I've just returned from a week at my boyfriends and he's text me going mad that I've blocked his toilet. I don't think I have blocked the toilet as I was the last to use this morning and I flushed it, he's since been home and used it, nothing other than toilet paper has been put down there, i rang him but he wouldn't have it and kept saying someone must have blown their nose and left tissue in there and put the phone down on me and now won't speak to me.

Works terrible, I've gone from being an important part of a nice team to my job going due to reorganisation (several identical roles also went), there's a lot more to it but it would be too long but instead of being made redundant I've been put into a new team. There isn't enough work and they treat me like an outsider. For example if I bought a packet of biscuits in and offered them around they'd say no, someone else brings in the same biscuits and they're all over them. They speak about their holidays, I join in and they shut the conversation down. They more or less told me that they didn't want or need any new staff but if I go further up and complain then they say that they'll send me to another office miles away. No way I could get there with childcare.

I've got no friends, I don't seem to fit in anywhere, I can make small talk and I have acquaintances, I'm quite boring, I'm not exceptional at anything. I've had close friends but we've drifted apart because they were only interested in going out drinking and I got to a point where I didn't want to do that anymore. Now I seem to have not much in common with anyone. Everyone seems to be buying houses and getting married and I'm stuck in a rut.

I don't think I'm depressed, I enjoy life, I enjoy things, films, TV, books, cinema, going for a walk in the park, shopping, all the normal things that people do.

But it seems as though every time I feel happy someone knocks me down.

I'm not particularly nasty or confrontational, I'm an introvert and just want a quiet life but it seems as though people can't just be nice.

There's a lot more to all of this and I know I sound like a loser who's feeling sorry for myself but I genuinely do try to pick myself up time and time again from things that keep happening that are out of my control and I don't know how to make it better

I've sat here sobbing tonight and feel so alone.

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superstarheartbreaker · 30/07/2014 23:26

It does sound like depression tbh.

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BookABooSue · 30/07/2014 23:37

Oh don't be harsh on yourself. Let yourself have a wee cry.

You do know it's all coming from the same place and that it's not your fault? Your parents' relationship has eroded your sense of boundaries. It's quite common if you have an abusive childhood that you'll internalise the lessons they give you about how to relate to other people. Your dm taught you to ignore your boundaries so the family could enable your ddad. Hence you feel let down by your family, your siblings and your work colleagues. You've never learnt how to create boundaries for their behaviour without feeling that it's nasty or confrontational. It isn't. It's actually self-preservation to be able to say 'no' to people or to say 'this is enough'.

Your bf is being an arse. You told him you didn't block the toilet. Leave it there. If he shouts at you, tell him you won't be spoken to like that then end the call. Don't engage with him again till he says sorry for blaming you.

In work, if you're a member of the union, have a chat with the union rep. They have to provide you with a clear workload and the manager has to help to integrate you into the team. If their bullying continues then go to hr. Their solution cannot be that you have to move. They have to manage any reorganisation process correctly.

Also, buy a book about boundaries. Honestly, it will make a big difference because you'll start to see that you can't control how others act but you can and should decide what is acceptable to you.

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Rainydayssunnydays · 30/07/2014 23:39

I don't think I'm depressed because I only feel unhappy when I know that my dad's gone on a drinking binge killing himself, and my mums either making excuses for him or so downtrodden herself that she's getting ill.

I'm only unhappy when my boyfriend who I just spent a lovely week with turns on me over a blocked toilet.

Or when my sister insists that I attend church with her even though I'm not religious and don't want to go to church, and she sits sniggering through the service, but if I don't go I'm selfish.

I was perfectly happy in my job until they shoved me into a team where it's made clear I'm not wanted not needed.

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Rainydayssunnydays · 30/07/2014 23:47

Thank you bookaboo. I agree that it's all rooted back from my childhood.

I put up with things that others wouldn't because I can't deal with the situation, I internalise things too.

The work situation is no win I'm afraid, I've been through the union, hr and a grievance process. The solution was to move offices to where there was more work. The manager of the team doesn't do her job properly, she doesn't do appraisals and one to ones, she dismisses my concerns or blames other people. I've been higher up, a group of us did, but because they are desperate for people to relocate this was the solution offered. Unfortunately our contracts do say that we can be redeployed if there is a business need.

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Rainydayssunnydays · 30/07/2014 23:54

I know it sounds defeatist, the work situation has been going on for months, it has improved slightly in that I have now been allocated a small amount of work, but the silent treatment has got worse. I can't force them to speak to me or eat my biscuits or accept a drink when offered.

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Happy36 · 30/07/2014 23:54

You poor thing. I'm sorry to hear all of this. For your son's sake as well as yours I would advise you to get some space from your siblings for a while as their unhelpful comments are only bringing you down.

Spend time with your son and enjoy his company. Be selfish on behalf of the two of you. (Perhaps through him you can find some companionship from other parents? You might have more things in common with them).

As others have advised already, please do what you can to flag up the inappropriate behaviour of your colleagues and to ensure that you are given a role you can relish. Good luck!

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Rainydayssunnydays · 31/07/2014 00:38

I'm trying to sleep but I just keep going over all the things that people have said to me today.

I keep thinking about how my boyfriend, who I was expecting to ring me for a nice chat, instead chose to have an argument over a blocked toilet. He does it a lot though, that's the trouble. Blaming me for things, falling out with me for no good reason.

The only way out that I can see is to cut a whole group of people out of my life when I'm already feeling lonely.

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FolkGirl · 31/07/2014 06:49

Rainydays I'm sorry to read this, you do sound desperately sad, and I can well understand the frustrations and feelings of helplessness you have around this.

Do you have hobbies or interests (besides those you listed?) Do you get out and have the opportunity to meet new people?

I'm not going to suggest you cut a whole group of people out of your life, and I get the already feeling lonely bit, but I lost both of my parents (dad died, cut out abusive mother) and my marriage ended in the space of 6 months. As a result, I lost all my extended family too. I was left with my brother and my children.

But 18 months on, I'm happier than I have ever been. I have friends, I have a social life... I have options. Before that, I was so bogged down with all hte crap that I couldn't see the wood for the trees to even begin to change the sadness that was my life, but without them, the possibilities were almost endless (especially without that constant negative commmentary that accompanied my life and every move within it...)

I've said this before on here, but I felt like I'd opened every window in the house and a fresh breeze was blowing through clearing all the old stale, fetid air away and replacing it with fresh.

If you don't feel able to do that, could you at least significantly limit contact with them?

You may find that the situation at work changes if you feel happier and more confident elsewhere. Or it might not change but it might not bother you quite so much...

I'm going to PM you a suggestion.

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Twinklestein · 31/07/2014 11:03

With such obnoxious siblings I don't think you should feel like you have to see them. Personally I wouldn't bother with people who behave the way you describe.

I don't know how representative your bfs outburst was this morning. You say you spent a nice week with him. Does he regularly act up? Are you so used to dysfunctional family that objectionable behaviour is normal?

It's really annoying when a decent job goes tits up. Are there any possibilities to find a new one in your area?

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