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Relationships

Advise please..separated

14 replies

Confusedso · 30/07/2014 21:47

Long time lurker and posted about 2 yrs ago. Separated from DH 2.5 yrs ago. Mainly due to me had an EA with ex colleague but could not get back to where I once was with DH. EA made me realise how things were in marriage I craved love and affection..DH very nice man kind generous good father. He was and still is very upset over the break up. I was never head over heels 'in love' but obviously felt enough to get married and have children (first daughter unplanned brought us together). Have since met someone else who is nice and I love? What is love? Def fancy him etc... I can't fully commit for some reason... As in I don't want to burn my bridges with ex..I wish my children would be brought up by both parents. Ex thinks I should put kids first and give it another go? He knows of new relationship. So confused as would love a normal life. Working in demanding role being a single mum with young kids is hard..what would you do? I haven't found ex attractive for many years not sure I ever did but I liked the good person he was/is... So confused ..regret EA and letting marriage go to tatters.. Thanks for reading!

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FrankSaysNo · 30/07/2014 21:53

You wont like it. I think your head is muddled, and you should leave the children with their father, whilst you work through your issues. Your children dont deserve to be brought into your hedonistic sex life.

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MagpieMama · 30/07/2014 21:58

Maybe have some time out from romantic relationships (with your ex and the new guy) to figure out what you really want.
I can see how the prospect of your children growing up with both their parents is attractive but would it really make you all happy?
Focus on yourself and your kids for a bit then go from there.

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Confusedso · 30/07/2014 22:27

Thank you both for honest replies..hedonistic ..never heard or thought of that one..interesting point of view. I carry a lot of guilt also which does not help but I guess that is consequential of my mistakes! Not a nice position to end up in in life when you are generally a decent person..

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 30/07/2014 22:33

Wtf Frank?!

Op, I don't think you should give it another go for the kids if you know deep down you won't be happy. It would mean another break up for them to be involved in etc.


What do you want?

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knittedknickers · 30/07/2014 22:39

Huh? I don't get the 'hedonistic' comment. I agree with Magpie - I would spend time concentrating on your relationship with your children and focus on the good things about being single - I find there are very many. It sounds like they have a good relationship with their father as well - so, OK you're not living in the same home but I'm sure they are benefiting from being with two loving parents albeit in two different homes (which in my opinion is better than living with two unhappy parents in one home). It's not like you have to decide to be with one man before a deadline - also, surely your ex would be happier in the long-run if you stay separated if you don't really love him - especially if you can stay on amicable terms.

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Confusedso · 30/07/2014 22:41

Thanks girlwitlionheart...I want everybody to be happy... I had to leave at the time as I was dreadfully unhappy sometimes I feel I should have tried properly for children and exh but genuinely was in no place to at the time.. Being honest a lot of water under the bridge not sure I even know ex anymore or him me.. 5 years since last doing the deed..

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Confusedso · 30/07/2014 22:44

Knittedknickers a lot of friends/family would say what you have said.. Ex very old fashioned for better/worse.. Was ok to plod along before separation would do so again for kids.. I just thought I might be able to plod along now for kids sake as stronger and in a better place..

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Mrscaindingle · 30/07/2014 22:49

Take no notice of Frank he likes to kick people when they're down.
Biscuit thats for you Frank.

OP I do think you need a bit of time on your own with your DC to get some head space. It doesn't really sound like your marriage has a future no matter how much you want it to work for the sake of your family. There needs to be mutual attraction for a relationship to go the distance.

You need to be free of your marriage in your head anyway before starting a new relationship in my opinion.

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knittedknickers · 30/07/2014 22:52

I have been in the same position - I didn't have an EA (not judging, can see how very easily it happens) but was unhappy and lonely in an unhappy marriage. It took me a very very long time to get out of it because I was so worried about everyone else. Of course you want the children to be happy (I also felt incredibly guilty on my parents) but you have to think about yourself as well and that you deserve to be happy. Your children come first but that doesn't mean forsaking your own happiness.

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Confusedso · 31/07/2014 14:13

Thanks everybody yes it's hard to put your own happiness first which I did and feel bad about.. Just hope things sort themselves sooner rather than later.. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier :(

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Confusedso · 31/07/2014 14:14

Thanks everybody yes it's hard to put your own happiness first which I did and feel bad about.. Just hope things sort themselves sooner rather than later.. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier :(

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hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2014 14:26

Do not make yourself miserable to make others happy.
That is just prolonging the agony.
There is no point going back now.
You don't fancy him, you just get on, and that's it.
That is no basis for a long term relationship and you know it.
Think about what YOU want.
Your DC won't be any happier with a miserable mum!
Don't put yourself through it - please!!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/07/2014 15:03

The opposite of putting your own happiness first is putting everyone else's happiness above your own and believing you have to suck it up. That's a fast-track to misery, resentment & breakdown.

I realise your exH had a nasty shock and his world fell apart 2.5 years ago but he can't come back to you, lay a load of guilt at your door and request the impossible. For your part you have to embrace independence, deal with the day to day reality of being a lone parent, & stop thinking in terms of 'burning bridges'.

I'd suggest you make a special effort to stay out of contact with him now and be properly independent. You appear to be far too involved in each other's lives still and I think it's unhealthy for a lot of reasons.

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Confusedso · 31/07/2014 22:02

Cogito... He does make me feel guilty tells me the kids don't deserve this...asked me to stop seeing new man which I did for awhile. I think you are right we have way too much to do with each other.. I can't do right for doing wrong..maybe more time..ex tends to not be the perfect dad unless I'm playing ball and I hate to see the kids being messed about. Appreciate all your replies could have written all myself (apart from franks)!!

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