Help writing email to ex partner.

[Pinkballoon]

I would be very grateful for any help that anyone could give with writing an email to my ex partner asking him to only contact me through a new email address which I will only check once a week. And not through my current email and/or text to my current phone.

Long and short of it is that we have a DD and are currently going through financial hearing in court about her. I will need to send and receive emails from him re finances, however I do not want them continuing to be sent to my normal email address as I find them upsetting and am often unprepared for them (he makes bizarre accusations in them to get me hooked into email conversations, or sends me weird emails late at night when he has been drinking.) I basically want to be able to effectively manage contact with him as he is such a major manipulator (and narcissist.)

He also hasn't seen his daughter for 6 months. I've said that he can have supervised access because of his (major) drink and drug issues (and I think, mental health issues), and offered to meet him for this. He turned this down saying that he was 'working' - on a Sunday afternoon. I then suggested a contact centre with him being strip tested for alcohol and drugs (suggested by a solicitor I spoke to about this) and me not being there. He said he strongly objected to this. He's made various claims about going for access through court, but in 6 months has done nothing (apart from send me mocked up applications that he never sends off.) We went to court yesterday about the finances and he didn't even mention wanting to see her to the judge, even though the judge was fairly relaxed about discussing other matters.

I want to also say in the email that should he wish to go for supervised access, I will provide an alternative phone number for use on the supervised access day (IYSWIM) as I don't want him using my current number. But to also make the point that its not my responsibility to get him to want to see his daughter, thats up to him.

I want the email to be polite, but to the point, as I am in no doubt that he'll show it in court in an attempt to prove that I am, I don't know what! He's included a number of my emails to him in paperwork to the court in an attempt to make me look unreasonable (which they don't??!!), so I'd like this to look very reasonable!

[scarletforya]

Why don't you just set up a folder and set up a rule to send his emails directly in there. Then just open it and review it once a week.

Expecting his co-operation seems futile.

[Quitelikely]

Why not just have no contact with him except via the solicitors? It's not like he is seeing his daughter at the moment.

[tribpot]

I agree. This person is never going to respect your boundaries by using a new email address voluntarily. You are wasting your time engaging with him. Much better to filter his emails in your existing account - you could even forward them automatically to a new account and reply from there, meaning hopefully he will hit reply back and so you will have moved that particular conversation to the other mailbox.

However, I suspect if he realises you are deliberately using a second account he will simply take delight in beating your filter. Setting up multiple new addresses himself, for example.

Likewise I wouldn't bother debating the phone number he might use on fictitious contact visits. Even if he ever has any, he will deliberately not respect your request. It's not even worth debating this with him at this stage.

[allibaba]

I would agree with all the above OP. If he is a narcissist then sending an email will only fuel his fire. Try not to engage if you can.

[Pinkballoon]

He made a big deal in court yesterday to the Judge about how I don't reply to his emails. Trying to make out that I was obstructing the process of getting more maintenance for DD (my application!) So I want to look co-operative, but make it clear that I'm not putting up with his rubbish anymore.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He's a manipulator and a narcissist. Ergo he won't do anything you ask of him just to be a major pain in the arse, so why bother?

[BlackDaisies]

You don't need to mention it's an email account just for him. Set a new one up, and email him a brief message from it informing him that this is your new address and could all messages be sent to it in future. Then add his address to your normal account's junk mail. Do the same thing with a new pay as you go phone.

[tribpot]

Did the Judge indicate that you should be replying to his emails? It sounds more like you're stung by the criticism (I imagine there's plenty more where that comes from given he sounds like such a charmer) and want to react. Don't. Who gives a shit what he thinks. If the Judge wants to know why you don't reply to his email, submit several choice ones for inspection.

[Pinkballoon]

The Judge didn't actually comment much on what he said about me not responding. But I couldn't sit there and say "Well he's a drunk addict and Narcissist who emails and texts me bizarre stuff late at night, so I try to select what I do and don't reply to from him."

Sometimes I do have to reply to him to protect my position, i.e. I'll get some pompous email from him demanding my proposals for access. I know full well that he is building a file on me trying to make me look unreasonable (saw part of it in the paperwork), so I need to restate my position with regard to contact centre, supervised access, as if I don't, he then immediately follows up with a letter stating that I am withholding access and that he will be taking me to court and asking for his costs to be paid to do so etc. He never actually does, but its an ongoing game of his. He's also said that I have only sent photos of DD to him to influence the financial proceedings………… Kind of give up!

[tribpot]

I'd take advice from your solicitor about how best to present your failure to respond, then. Rather than responding and hoping this will somehow make it better. As Quitelikely says, all this discussion can be done through the solicitors.

Whatever you do will always be wrong in his eyes. Better to disengage and not try and play his game.

[Pinkballoon]

Thanks. I don't have a solicitor at this stage, as I have been trying to get the application off the ground in court (a few difficulties as we were not married so the maintenance entitlements are not straightforward in court) - and didn't want to spend money on a solicitor if it failed. Judge has agreed for the application to go forward. Its just that every time one of his emails are like big bad smells landing in my email account!