Advice on emotional detachment and what to do about it

[everonwardsagain]

Am hoping some knowledgeable people out there can please help me. I'll try and keep this brief. I separated from my husband around two months ago at my request. Relationship was awful for a long time. No physical abuse, he was just horrible to me, shouty at the kids, OCD around the house and basically completely negative about everything.

I finally had enough and he left at my request - after a horrendous couple of weeks of endless sobbing from him - he never asked me to reconsider as he kept saying himself he knew he'd blown it. In my head and heart it was truly over, despite how gutted I was for my kids.

Forward wind two months and I now have the best friendship with him ever. He has lost a lot of weight, given up smoking (which I hated and was costing us a fortune but he refused to even cut down) and is attending weekly counselling to address long term depression and OCD. He was so stuck in his ways and our life was awful. I am completely taken aback by his changes.

Anyway, that's not the bit I'd like advice on really! Since then, one of our ds has been in hospital for a prolonged stay. My work has been very stressful and as helpful as husband has been, I've had the daily care of 3 dc and the dog and so I've found myself in a state where I am completely and utterly devoid of all emotion, either happy or sad, though I do have a lingering sadness about me. Not even music lifts me which is very not like me. I thought I when it finally ended I would be relieved and I'd be mad for getting out for a bit of fun and an ego boost after years of being ignored but I'm not interested at all. I just feel totally flat and I feel like I just exist day to day.

When I was ignored by him I had so many sexual fantasies and such a high (but neglected) sex drive, now I feel completely dead in that department. I feel utterly exhausted too. I keep doing stupid things also like leaving doors unlocked, crashing the car into stationery objects, driving off with the boot open.

When I read up on these symptoms (good old Dr Google) it says they are linked to PTSD or anxiety. But! It doesn't tell you what to do! The break up and my sons hospital stay plus stressful time at work possibly equate to PTSD, I don't know. I've been with dh 20 years.

Should I go to the GP? Find a counsellor? Do I need medication? Help! I never thought there would be a way back for us but I want to have the emotional feeling to at least think about it. I know he would have to prove himself over time. But I would just love to feel something, anything!! Until I can start to feel emotions I can't even begin to move forwards. He is trying so hard but not pressurising me. I just want to have some sort of emotional reaction. I hate feeling so cold.

Thanks for reading, hope it makes sense.

[buttonortwo]

Hi there, sounds like stress/ anxiety and the lack of feeling depression. Consider seeing your gp before making any decisions. You do make sense, the anxiety makes you forgetful and distracted.. You are reacting in a sense normally to a stressful situation. Don't put pressure on yourself...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I would also think that list of symptoms sounds like depression or stress. Quite understandable given the various problems in your life. What you probably need is a long break from it all. Have you taken a holiday this summer? In the meantime, it's definitely worth talking to your GP and seeing what they suggest.

[everonwardsagain]

Thank you. I will make an appt with the GP. I am on summer break now and going away soon, all of us. DH been clearly told no expectations and says completely understandable and wouldn't assume anything. Has said even if I asked him to come back (which I'm not ready to), he wouldn't as he needs to be 100% sure his life is back under his control as he doesn't want to risk confusing/upsetting the kids - or me. Mind you he is living with his toxic mother who is a massive part of why he was the way he was but we can't afford for him to go elsewhere.

I just wish I could feel something. And find some oomph! My house is a mess and I just can't motivate myself. I know everyone is different but has anyone felt similar? I'm torn between wanting medication if it can help and thinking how sad it would be if I've come to the point where I need medication to make myself 'feel' anything. I definitely think counselling will be a must. If ever he was to come back I want it to be because I want him there for the right reasons, not because I'm so earth shatteringly exhausted from dealing with 3 dc, one with complex health issues, a dog and working full time!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I've felt similar before and, looking back, it probably was depression. I love my garden normally but that particular year I remember neglecting it really badly on the basis that planting things was an expression of optimism for the future, and I felt I had neither. In your case I think the limbo situation of whether he'd be back or not and under what circumstances will be playing heavily on your mind and getting in the way of you thinking about anything else.

I didn't seek help at the time and I share your aversion to medicalising unhappiness but sometimes you need a push-start to get your motor running again.

[CommonBurdock]

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately I can relate as am going through similar, currently in final stages of separation, 3 kids and lots of moves and changes. It's like you kind of shut down cos it's all too much. I am having bioenergetic therapy with a trained psychotherapist, it is fantastic. You combine talking it through with breathing exercises and analysing how you walk and project yourself to others. You basically work through your emotions and physically deal with them, eliminating blockages rather than just endlessly analysing and talking. I actually feel different and while I hate my situation I feel completely able to deal with it whereas before I felt hopeless. Unfortunately am not in the UK but you could try googling to find a practitioner near you? With a try?

[CommonBurdock]

Worth a try, even.

[Matildasmam22]

No experiences with the relationship aspect but having a child in hospital in so draining. I ended up with my ad's increased after my youngest's neonatal stay. Most stressful time in my life and I never had any other problems like you

[andsmile]

I'm marking to answer OP when I get home as on phone

[ChazzerChaser]

Yes I absolutely recognise your description. Different situation but very similar emotional state. I don't know the solution though...

[toyoungtodie]

I think you can bear anything but something being wrong with your DC. That is probably what has broken you. Please go and see your GP as you are clearly not coping, and no wonder after all that has been flung at you. I hate taking Medication but sometimes the hole is too deep for you to get out of on your own. If your leg was broken, you would get it plastered, wouldn't you ? U It will only be a temporary measure and by going to your GP, it will open the door to CBT, mindfulness Courses and free counselling. You sound in so much pain that I don't think you can afford to wait. Best of luck and hugs. Xx

[everonwardsagain]

Hi, just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful replies and apologise for the delay. I have had a mare logging in but techno people at mums net now fixed it all! I have made a GP appt, but can't get one for a fortnight. Husband is back home, never thought that would happen. It's like he is a new person / or back to the person I married. Trying not to over think it, it feels right and his dramatic changes have lasted nigh on 3 months now. However, as much as I feel good about that, I think the stress of the past few months, including youngest health problems and time in hospital, middle son I think has ODD, it's all just taken it's toll. I am definitely having anxiety related breathing difficulties, no motivation whatsoever and quick temper. I'm not myself. Too strong for too long comes to mind, time to try and look after me. Thanks again for the help I've had over this difficult time