I have other threads about this but basically h is a sahp who has been shagging a mutual friend for 2.5 years. It may or may not be over now. He may or may not love her. Since I found out 2 months ago, everything has been up in the air. H's latest stand is that he wants to move out for 6 months, after which he will 'probably' return and our marriage will be much improved. I said no to this because I was worried about managing finances and childcare (school age dc) alone and because he wasn't promising not to see her so I would assume he would only come back if it hadn't worked out with her. She is married and he says neither he nor she want to live together but, I assume, they want to maintain the relationship, though he says he knows he can't if we're together.
I am reaching the point where I just want him to leave, but he has no job, no income, no savings. I can't afford to maintain him in another property, even temporarily. If he leaves to sofa-surf, he would have to see the dc here and, having tried that before, I find it too unsettling, and am on edge waiting for the next time he comes (times were planned). We only did it for a week though.
Today I have come up with another plan, but don't know if it's feasible. I tell him the marriage is over. He stays here but signs on tomorrow and looks for work properly, not in the half-arsed way he has been doing. We share food etc as normal, but other spending is kept to a minimum - not hard as we are massively hard-up atm, so I will be doing that as well. we have a large attic room that needs a stinking carpet removed but, once that's done, he could sleep there. Once he gets work, he saves, or looks for proper house-share (has lots of friends in similar situations, something would probably come up) and moves out properly. If he still hasn't got a job by Sept when I go back to work, he is on hand for childcare.
My worries are: can he sign on while living here? (I'm guessing no, so it's a non-starter 
), would it confuse the dc more - I'm worried about the confusion caused by him living somewhere unsuitable for them to go to anyway.
It is probably a stupid idea, but I just want to get some things in place, rather than him rushing off to live somewhere unstable and me not knowing where I stand. Can see too many holes in it myself now I've written it down, but may as well post having typed it all 
.
btw, he has no objection to being the one to leave, and I have sought legal advice in general - not about this particular plan.
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Does this sound a remotely doable way of managing a separation legally and emotionally?
justfoundout2014 · 29/07/2014 17:43
Hmm, thought that would be the case about JSA. The problem is, it becomes the children's lookout too, if he has nowhere adequate to conduct visits .
I actually agree, it's no good his getting entrenched in the attic- that is just making his life too easy. His MS doesn't stop him working, but its unpredictable nature may not go down well with employers, particularly new ones. I don't know. I hate him so much for causing this, and making it all my problem.
Just don't know what to do now. We are just in limbo, and I'm too scared to make another move. When I persuaded him not to leave we/he said we would 'give the marriage six months' - so a trial reconciliation, rather than separation. We had a tbf, pretty unpleasant episode in the bedroom that night, nothing since, and he gets angry if I want to discuss the affair. He says he will contact her to tell her no more contact, but is unwilling to prove it and still secretive about his phone. I would be an idiot to believe him.
We can't carry on like this for 6 months and what would happen then? He says we both need to change and I do agree that I need to make significant changes and want to be with him, rather than need to be. However, the chances of my increasing my confidence while we are living like this are slim to none.
But if he leaves? There is a summer holiday booked the week after next, and I would like the dc to have one last family holiday, especially since they know about it and are looking forward. The house and garden need lots doing that I would struggle to do alone, especially with the dc. I just want a few things sorted so I don't get these massive feelings of panic every time I look at the garden. But that's using him.
More importantly, if a split becomes permanent, I lose the children f/t. I went back to work f/t when my dc were babies, ds1 was only 5 months. In term times I barely see them really and am permanently tired, even at weekends. The whole point of doing this is that, as a teacher, I have the holidays. Now he will take them for half this time and I just can't stand it. Quality of life will be shit. tired all the time, the dc not there half the time, no money. If I add having to move house into that shit-mix to give him some money, it just becomes intolerable. I believe I would lose my career which, though I have moaned about it above, is very important to me and, for now, the one thing in my life that I have made a success of.
Then there is the ow. I'm not at all sure she is ever going to leave her h, or that it would be for my h if she did (she has already kindly told me to 'calm down' as she's 'not going to steal my husband' 
) but if that did happen, and I had to send the dc off to spend weekends and holidays with her and say how wonderful she is when they got back, I would completely lose my mind.
I'm stuck .
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