Seeing toxic family at the weekend and starting to panic - please help me prepare and stay calm

[Lottapianos]

To those of you who are wondering why on earth I'm putting myself through it and are about to advise me that seeing them at all is a mistake and not worth it - you are all right. This probably is a mistake. However, for various reasons it's too late to get out of it so I need help and hand holding right now.

Highly toxic and narcissistic parents, sometimes toxic and agressive sister. DP will be there with me too - he's very supportive and I feel a lot stronger having him in my corner. I'm 4 years in to psychotherapy so have been working on this issue for a long time. Specifically I'm trying to detach emotionally, to see my parents as toddlers (emotionally) and to manage my expectations of them. When this weekend was first arranged, I was feeling ok about it - now I'm having an attack of FOG and feeling weak and tearful. Part of me is still so terribly hurt that my parents are not the parents I would like to have.

If there are any unpleasant comments, I'm planning to remind myself that this is what they do, and to refuse to take any of their guilt or shaming on board. I could also try to take control by changing the subject or leaving the room. Please give me any other advice that has worked/works for you.

I'm so looking forward to next Monday when it will be over. I need to remember this feeling next time I feel I 'should' go and visit them and trust my gut because I really don't think that this is worth it. Thanks

[RabbitsarenotHares]

Could you and your DP play a game of 'Bingo' whilst you're there, ie come up with a list of behaviours / sayings that have a good chance of happening / being said, and mentally tick them off as you go along?

This is what I do when I'm with my mother and I do find it helps. It seems to take the sting out of the behaviour.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Would it help to treat it as an anthropological expedition? Almost like you're hacking your way through the undergrowth of some rain-forest in an attempt to document a long lost tribe of aggressive pygmies who you suspect will be armed with blowpipes and poison darts. Believed to be known as 'The Gobshites'. Observe from a distance, take beads as a peace offering, have your exit route mapped out and don't forget to pack your revolver!!!!

You'll be fine.

[springydaffs]

I find that the run-up is often worse than the event itself.

Here are my tips -

1. Be like a plank of wood. Physically present but not 'in'. This works surprisingly well because they see us as a plank of wood anyway: an inanimate object to project their stuff onto, having no concept that anyone is real.
   

1. Perfect some inane responses (as short as possible eg hmm, oh, mm, OK) or no response at all.
   

1. Float over the whole thing.
   

1. Don't expect any meaningful exchanges.
   

1. Be hyper-alert about how you're feeling. If you feel you're tipping over into getting upset, go to the loo. If that doesn't calm you down, make an excuse and leave.
   

Work out a code with DH, a red alert codeword.

1. Lie a lot ie if you have to leave, say you've received an urgent call/forgot an urgent appointment - it doesn't matter as long as you get out.
   

1. Don't tell the truth eg you're feeling upset because of all the years of shit. It will go nowhere at best and will probably open you up to more of their toxicity.
   

1. Accept they 'love' you, in their way.
   

1. Keep it as short as possible. I can do a few hours now but for a long time it was 5-10 minutes. I was fulfilling my obligation.
   

10. Pray before you go that you will be kept safe.

All the best xxxx

[Lottapianos]

Cogito, I like your 'Gobshites' idea

And Rabbits, that's a good idea too - some of their behaviour is so batshit that I have actually laughed at it. Of course, its horribly hurtful as well but like you say it does help to minimise the awfulness and to take the sting out of it all.

[Lottapianos]

'I find that the run-up is often worse than the event itself.'

Completely agree. I've been strapping my emotional armour on for the past 2 weeks now and I'm exhausted from it already. When I'm there it doesn't feel so bad as I'm actually getting on with it and
medicating with alcohol

I like the 'plank of wood' idea - that's what I'm aiming for with detaching. Engaging with them emotionally is absolutely pointless - they can't really see or hear me and they never have. I'm going to try to let most of what they say in one ear and out the other.

'Accept they 'love' you, in their way'
I'm nowhere near ready for this. Just reading those words made me tearful. I am still so angry at them. Whatever they feel for me, it will never be enough and it hurts terribly Thank you though

[springydaffs]

How long are you going to be there? Is it an event? Events are the worst ime and I don't go to any family events because there's so many of them, people, and the poison is free-flowing.

If it's an event, make it a flying visit. Be breezy.

[Lottapianos]

My sister is moving to UAE in a few weeks and I wanted to see her before she leaves. She is currently living with parents so had to see them too. They all live in a different country from me so couldn't just pop in for an afternoon. So kind of a family 'get together' but not an event as such. Will be there for 3 days. Oh god, this is madness. Too late now. Grit teeth and do it, then get back to doing some serious work on guilt with therapist.

[CMOTDibbler]

When my fil was awful, then dh and I played bingo, and it was a fabulous way of diffusing the hurtful things he said.

Not getting any involvement in hurtful things is hard, but not engaging is the best route - 'hmm, interesting' or 'really, oh what lovely bean dip' or similar nod and distract methods worked for me

I also find writing threads about the family in my head allows me to 'hmmm' with a straight face. And in extreme circumstances, take your phone to the loo and make a thread to decompress

[springydaffs]

It isn't too late and you can make it a flying visit. You can say you have other people/things to see, it doesn't matter as long as you get away. They're so unreal that a pack of lies makes no difference at all.

You must be safe, and to do everything possible to that end. If their house was a carbon monoxide house - which they are somehow inured to - you wouldn't hang around long. This is NO DIFFERENT. There is no way I'd last 3 days with my poisonous brood, no way at all.

I'm concerned for you. You really don't have to do this. They can see your bod for half an hour but more than that, let Aline 3 days is mad, as you say.

[springydaffs]

I'd be a total wreck after 3 days. All that therapy - yours and mine - unravelled. Aside from that there's the actual HARM to consider. This isn't a figment of your imagination, they really are poisonous.

I'm sorry to go on. I can't believe you're putting yourself up for this when you don't have to. Yy see them for a flying visit but no more, it's suicide to do more.

[Lottapianos]

Thanks for your concern springydaffs. How I'm feeling now shows me how much work I still have to do to deal with the FOG and how upsetting I still find it to see them. And there's still a fantasy somewhere deep inside my head of having a 'happy family' - I was sold that fantasy by my parents all through the years and its obviously stuck fast. It's frustrating that I've come so far in some ways but still have so far to go.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Three days is too long. I have really good friends I'd probably want to shoot (and vice versa) after three days. Please say you're staying in a hotel

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Find reasons to get out of the house as much as possible. For hours on end if necessary. I'm sure friends can be relied on to text or call at strategic moments throughout the three days. Or, better, an urgent phone call about an hour into the visit which necessitates a retreat to somewhere more congenial. I'd be be booking myself into a hotel somewhere and just bloody go there when I'd had enough. If they are that poisonous they don't deserve a plausible explanation. I quite fancy the idea of just disappearing in the dead of night on the first night and thinking "fuck it we're off!".

[springydaffs]

Maybe time is a factor. I've been on the therapy treadmill for about 25 years, on and off, and I've probably come out to other side of all the hoping and wishing. But it's still damaging, in a passive way if you like, to be in their presence and have to play dead. LET ALONE the damage if one of their missiles comes winging out of the blue for a direct hit before you even had the chance to blink, let alone adjust your armour.

My parents are extremely old and I see them because of that - maybe in a way they're toothless now. I wouldn't see my siblings or their entourages because they are more vibrant and all the poisonous gas is pumping at full stretch if they choose. And they do choose. I also wouldn't be able to see them because i would murder them. I don't think it has anything to do with how much therapy you've had or 'need' in order to get over it. In one sense we never get over it; seeing them is not a test to see how far we've come/need to go.

Anyway, If you don't have the money for a hotel, stay in the car, walk the streets, anything but stay there (I'm not joking). Or can you change your tickets to UAE at a future date?

[Lottapianos]

Springy, you talk a huge amount of sense! You all do. There is no 'getting over' having a toxic family - its so hard to let go of the hope that all will turn out the way you would like it to in the end.

I will be out of the house a lot and will avoid 1 on 1 time with either of my parents. I have my strategies, I just need to remember to trust myself and to take time out when necessary. You're right though springy - it cannot be healthy to put yourself in a situation where you can't fully be you and where there is the threat of attack all the time. I need to figure out why I'm willing to still do that.

[CatteLady]

Good luck Lotta! The toxic bingo thing sounds great, I've got a family thing to go to next weekend, and am dreading it. Luckily it's only a few hours, but I'm dreading it. I will be treating it as an anthropology field trip, and observing them in their natural habitat?

I've often feigned headaches or just pretended to be engrossed in a book. Rude, but effective for avoiding conversation.

[ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh]

Another top tip is to have a code word with your DP that signals him that you are struggling, and discuss a we options of what he can do to support you if you use the code word. Something like, 'Oh, my phone's gone all funny again.' or 'Hey pumpkin pie', something you wouldn't normally say. He then needs to assess the situation and somehow assist!

Also rehears likely conversations in advance. If tricky politics always comes up, have a script to respond. If your mum always bangs on about the neighbour's dog, have a script to respond.

[Lottapianos]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your advice. I feel a lot less panicked and overwhelmed than I did earlier, and am going to try to see it as an opportunity to catch up on sleep and have a couple of days off work and try to see the people involved as incidental. I know that's far from healthy but its just about getting through and this evening I believe I can do it.

And when I get back, lots of work to be done in my process of grieving for the family I don't have and never did. And focusing on taking care of myself. Thank you again

[Aussiebean]

Be sure not to go into an personal details about yourself. 'Yes work is great thanks my your garden look pretty'

'The house is great thanks, did you hear what's happening in the Ukraine'.

Give them no ammunition and change the subject.

You may also want to be a terrible packer. 'Oh we forgot our tooth brushes. We are just popping to the shops. '
Much later 'oh dh only bought one pair of socks, better pop out and get some' then come up with something else.

And if course popping to the shops involves a coffee and a long wonder around and then bring back some chocolates so they don't get to annoyed.

I dread visiting my mum. I accept she loves me only as an extension of her. Not for me. So i step back and have very little to do with her.

Took a while to get there but worth it.

[Lottapianos]

Completely agree about not giving any ammunition Aussie. I had some good news at work yesterday but I can't share it with them because it would either be greeted by silence or some negative response. I don't need that so I will be keeping it to myself.

Same with my parents, I'm only an extension of tgdm, they can't see me as a separate person. I only matter in relation to them, they have no interest in any other part of my life. Its sad and weird and makes me very angry. I'm sorry you dread seeing your mum too

[Lottapianos]

Hi all, I'm back home now and I survived but feel quite exhausted. Less emotionally wrung out than after previous visits though. DP was with me and thank heavens because he was the only person in the room I had any meaningful relationship with. Family are so very deeply weird - I'm still coming to terms with it and seeing it clearly. I still have a lot of anger and hurt left to process but I can see a time when we might have an ok relationship. It will only ever be a surface relationship and I will never be able to gully relax and be myself, or to get any emitiinsk support from them, but it could be workable, on my terms. Long way to go. Thanks to those who posted

[Lottapianos]

FFS! Emotional support obviously!