Oh dear...mother offended again

[Theluckiestagain]

This might be a bit rambly as there are a few issues to unpick I think.

My mum and I generally get on well and she does a lot to help us (looking after DSs, is generous). She hasn't worked for a long time and her health is poor, so her world seems pretty limited I would say. However, for as long as I can remember, the family have pussyfooted around her as she takes great offence & holds grudges. One example of this is last year when I didn't call her on her wedding anniversary (!) - ( I knew she was going out that eve and called the next day. She was 'very upset' with me).

It's all fairly minor stuff but at a family BBQ this weekend she was in a mood. I found myself tidying up around her, keeping an eye out for any jobs that needed doing mainly because I knew she'd become even moodier is she felt 'put upon'. I realised that I walk on eggshells around her, watching for anything she could become 'offended' or upset about. It's exhausting. My aunt refuses to pander and will say blunt comments (true ones to be honest) to wind her up.

Anyway, so to yesterday's upset....mum agreed to look after kids for an hour or so while DH and I went to the gym. All happy, everyone good when we left. When we returned....oh my god, the atmosphere was horrible, mum sulking, boys very quiet. When I asked what was up, mum refused to say and told me to ask the kids. She said she 'didn't want to talk about it.' It was like there were 3 children in that room, not 2!!

When we got home we found out that Ds2 who is 4 had been playing with some keys. Mum told him off (she can be very sharp with them), then they went outside. She then overheard them talking. Ds2 said that he didn't like Nanny, he liked Grandad and was 'gonna kill her'.

Yes, this wasn't nice and we talked to DS2 about why it was a mean thing to say but he's 4 for gods sake!! I called mum later and she said she was very upset, had 'burst into tears' and told him to 'forget about his birthday' (in a weeks time). I think this is a massive overreaction to a small child's thoughtless comment. He said sorry to her and knew he'd said something hurtful.

Now part of me feels like I have to make up for it. I know there will be a mood or atmosphere when we next go over to mums. I don't really know how to tackle this (DS2 has made her a sorry card).

But part of me thinks she needs to grow up. The boys say mean things as kids do...they don't mean them (Ds1 told us he wanted to leave home as he hates us in an argument...of course he doesn't!!)

But mum seems to have taken this very personally (as usual).., she said yesterday when I called that it 'didn't matter if he was 4 or 40, it's still hurtful.' Of course it bloody does...he's a small child!!!!!!

Oh dear. Do I ride this out, ignore or do something??

[KateBeckett]

I would (try to) ignore. She is acting like a toddler, so treat her like one!

I'm sorry you are having to put up with this- I have it on a lesser scale from my DM too, and being very calm and matter fact helps. "I'm sorry you feel that way mum, but DS is only 4 and has apologised. There isn't anything else we can do so let me know when you have calmed down and are ready to see us again."

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Not sure at the age of four I would ever have said that, to be honest. I'd have been quite taken aback at that.

Your mum is how she is. At her age, she is unlikely to change, especially if her health isn't good. At the same time as you admit this is how she is, you also say she does a lot to help you in looking after the kids (ie, rather than one of you staying home while the other is at the gym, she looked after the kids so you could go together).

Chalk it up to family life and ride it out.

[GoodArvo]

My mother is a bit like this. When DS2 was 5 she demanded that he thank her for something she'd given him. He refused and she went into a massive sulk and didn't speak to him for the next 3 days. She was visiting from overseas so she was spoiling her short visit with this behaviour.

Yes DS2 should have thanked her, but he was 5 and she was supposedly an adult. I told her she was being ridiculous and I never pander to her. I think she wanted me to force him to give her "heartfelt" thanks. Eventually she started speaking to him again.

In your case, I can understand she was hurt by what he said. Even people who are difficult want to be loved. However, she is being childish and attention seeking. I would ignore it.

[CleopatrasAsp]

I wouldn't pander to her moods and walk on eggshells around her but I have no time at all for moody people. I definitely wouldn't let her babysit the DCs at all if she's sharp with them and I would tell her why and ignore the ensuing drama.

DS2 is four and has apologised so that should be an end to it. Any more drama from your mother should be ignored and if she starts any then either break off the phone call or visit and tell her you'll be back in touch when she's stopped behaving so childishly.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think people like your Mum need to be reminded that they are the grown-up occasionally. If that means they fly off the handle then that's the chance you take but it's important that their attention-seeking behaviour doesn't get them attention.

[PlumpPartridge]

My mother used to be like this - she died last March. It sounds awful, but I'm sometimes relieved that she died before the kids got old enough for these kind of interactions to occur - because they SO would have and she'd have responded EXACTLY like your mum. Not-that-passive-aggressive bullshit.

I agree with the advice to treat her like a toddler herself. Don't try to pretend you're talking to a rational adult, because frankly, you're not.

[sonjadog]

I would ignore her and let her get over her sulk on her own. But I really can't deal with pandering to people like this, so I'd probably be like your aunt.

[Quitelikely]

Bloody ridiculous! I don't know how you put up with her. Why would you want your children to be walking on egg shells and learning behaviour traits from her? She sounds very precious!

[Theluckiestagain]

Thankyou all. We popped round to mums earlier with a sorry card that DS2 had made. She is still in a foul mood and said that she hadn't slept last night. She was quit terse with the kids and I could tell it was a dead loss saying much.

BUT I didn't rise to it. I, very calmly and kindly, said that we (Dh, DSs and I) had spoken about how hurtful words can be. However, I also gently reminded mum that the words of a 4 year old can often be taken with a huge pinch of salt.

She just shrugged and I brightly said OK, we had to get on and more or less left her to it. I cannot be doing with all this bullshit. It's patently obvious that she is depressed and needs to get herself out of the rut she has got herself into (hence why small, fairly minor things get so blown out of proportion. She has time to dwell on perceived slights and get herself wound up about things that most other people would brush off or deal with in an adult way). I'm fed up with the knots in my stomach as I knock on the door to see what mood I have to deal with. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, we did our bit. I shall wait to see what the next instalment brings. Oh, and I'm now really looking forward to going on holiday with her in a few weeks as you can imagine!!!

[PlumpPartridge]

Do you have any other siblings, op? I bet either they or your dad will get a proper earful from her and come creeping to you with the 'if you could just say sorry' or 'your mum is very upset' lines soon.

Please, don't fall in for the sake of family peace. Just don't.

Out of interest, is your mum the sort of person who, if not immediately soothed, might start hinting that you must have TOLD your son to say such a thing? My mother would've but then she was batshit crazy

[WipsGlitter]

She sounds a nightmare!

Has she always been like this or was it better when she was working?

[Theluckiestagain]

No siblings Partridge. Just me. Dad will either distance himself & not get involved (he adores the boys) or will choose the pandering to mum option. Could be either. He knows exactly what she's like and sometimes challenges it...but then sometimes clearly just wants an easier life.

Mum has definitely got worse over the years which is not surprising really. She was made redundant over 15 years ago and hasn't done much with her life since then. The sad thing is that I can see her turning into my nan who I disliked staying with as a child. This was because she constantly complained about things (and actively enjoyed moaning).

It's all very sad really. Mum could be having the time of her life with hobbies and enjoying her grandchildren. Instead, she sees faults & moans while her world gets smaller and smaller (any suggestions for things she could try usually are met with 'Oh no, I can't be bothered'). Her health issues too seem like a self fulfilling prophecy - the more she moans and refuses to help herself get better, the worse things get and the more she has to complain about.

Sigh.

[littlewoollypervert]

My mother acted a bit like this - not so much anymore, as I tend to take the "well it's all sorted now, when you are out of your mood let me know" approach.

Means I make no contact while she is sulking like a child (so I don't have to put up with the mood), and usually she very quickly realises she is the one missing out (no visit from me or DD) and she makes a cheerful phone call to "catch up" when she realises she will not get a visit till she cops the f*ck on.

[PlumpPartridge]

Oh goodness - it's like you're describing my mother. Retired early, could have done anything she wanted and chose to sit in the house growing more and more miserable and resentful. Dad ignored it/bitched about it in equal measure. My sister and I tried umpteen times over the years to help her out of the black depression and in the end just gave up. You can't help someone unless they want to be helped.

It is exhausting and frustrating and miserable, having to deal with someone like that. I never got the hang of the tactics described here but I think they're worth trying - you never know, she might be trainable even at this late stage....

[toyoungtodie]

This is difficult as you clearly do not want to go non contact with her. I feel concerned that you need to leave your DC with her. They will in the end sus her out and refuse to go and see her, as you did. Are there any other childcare options ? During a good period could you speak to her? As in ' I didn't like going to my Grans because she became crabby and mean to me, and my children are starting to feel afraid of you' I love you Mum but I am so unsure of your reaction to situations that I feel anxious. ' this is talking in a non combative and assertive way, without trying to appear as though you are blaming her. She will react , but just keep going and stick to your script. She will also have selected your DF for his Doormat qualities, so he will not be much help. You are aware of her own poor emotional background. Thank goodness you are, and are not going to do the same to your own DC. There is not much otherwise you can do about your Mums behaviour. However, there is about your reaction to it ,to prevent yourself from being manipulated. Mindfulness, CBT, and Counselling will help you. Otherwise you just have to turn the other cheek and ignore her bad behaviour. Sorry not to be more helpful. I had the same situation but unfortunately there was no MNET and I thought it was me. At least you know it is your DM who is bonkers. X

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

A four year old making a "sorry" card for expressing his feelings about something yesterday? In child-time that's ancient history. Jesus H Christ. I'd have asked him apologise if I was there at the time and nothing else. What a bloody carry-on about something so trivial, and you're pandering to it.

The problem is that you are in thrall to her because you rely on her for child-care. This is something I would remedy immediately. The position you have put your children in is extremely unhealthy. I'd cut contact to the bare minimum and never leave your children alone with her ever again.

[PlumpPartridge]

But it's so hard not to pander to that sort of behaviour when you're trained from childhood to do so..... my mother and I once had an argument over something trivial, close to Mother's Day. I got the kids to make her handprint cards (because she loved that sort of thing and I was going to do it anyway) but I really resented the fact that she would see it as me 'apologising' for being rude and that she'd be all sweetness and light again afterwards. It got to the point when I resented doing nice things that I'd have done for anyone else, because there was such a culture of 'you've upset me and now must grovel'.

Ugh.

[NoImSpartacus]

Agree with hesterton.

My parents are extremely over sensitive and love to stew on things, I am the complete opposite and it's SUCH incredibly hard work always walking on egg shells. They have behaved so badly that my sister and me have now gone NC, which is extremely painful, but necessary, unfortunately.

[ROARmeow]

Be careful she doesn't do what my gran ended up doing when we were kids: dwell and fester on stupid non-issues then write letters to us (we were all primary school aged) about how terrible we were, how ungrateful and how the heartache we caused her led to her heart attack.

:(

These letters went under the radar until I mentioned it to my mum and she went buck mad and stopped us seeing gran.

I'm in my 30s now, haven't seen her for years and I'm still getting letters every few years.

Some people really are just twisted.

[diddl]

Well, lesson learned-don't use her for childcare anymore!

She sounds hard work.

i guess she was more upset that your dad is preferred?

Can you cancel the holiday??

[LearnerM0ther]

Ooh, sounds very familiar.. My DM is very highly strung (interesting how people like this seem oblivious to others' feelings

However, although she has us walking on eggshells, she does realise that kids are kids and doesn't guilt-trip them.

I too have considered 'the talk' - Get over the fact your health will never be the same again (sounds harsh but it is do-able - I have!), hating our father so much is only hurting you, get a job / hobby / friends / a bloke.. (Obviously much more tactfully than that!)

But it is very hard when they've behaved like this for years and years, you become so used to treating them differently to every other sensible adult.. And you love them, so don't want to upset them - which is all too easily done!!

I've totally had enough of the moaning and negativity now, so it's gone to reasonable contact. I find it's catching, have problems with depression and ill health myself and don't want to be a 'victim'.

Protect yourself is my advice, limit contact, don't let her have the kids on her own so much (thank God, mine is never like this with DS) and if you do paint her the picture PLEASE tell us how you did it and if it was successful!! Could do with the info.

Good luck. It's tricky mothering a mother.

[Hissy]

Can I ask Wtf you were thinking in leaving your dc with her in the first place?

She's not a good person, she's not a good mother, and therefore isn"t suitable childcare.

Don't. Make that mistake again. Your children will grow up thinking that's acceptable, and it most certainly is not.

[Lucyccfc]

She behaves like that because she has been allowed to for so long and it will only get worse.

My FIL was like this. Treated all his kids to sulky behaviour, acted like a big kid when he felt slighted or didn't get his own way. He was a bit of a bully. I never fell into the trap,of pandering to him.

He phoned our house at mid-night one night over something really petty - so I told him to phone back at a sensible time and put the phone down on him. He sulked for a week over that one.

We shared our seating plan for our wedding and he scrawled all over it to alter the seating to the way he wanted. He got put straight and sulked for weeks - I just ignored him.

When DS was about 3 we were chatting on the phone and he said that DS was selfish, as he wanted to watch CBBies when the cricket was on. He was 3 FFS. FIL got told he was the selfish one for not allowing a 3 year old to watch tv for just 30 minutes. He sulked over that one for 3 weeks. I ignored and didn't take DS round at all. He soon came round when he realised I was ignoring the sulky, childish behaviour.

Your mother will not change, whilst you enable her behaviour and pander to it.