Sexless relationship

[Boomerwang]

I've been with my dp now for three years. For two of these years we haven't had sex. 2 months after our daughter was born (I got pregnant as soon as I moved in with him) he went off sex. Coincidentally, he also started anti depressants as he was having trouble with anger issues due to the stress of bringing up a child and a recent job loss. I've been on AD's for over five years.

He is not interested in sex. He says it's not because he doesn't want to, it's that he just doesn't feel for it. After two years I've asked if he will come with me to see a counsellor. He insists 'it's coming back - soon!' but he's been saying that for months.

I've asked what he thinks I could do to help. He says there's nothing I can do, we just have to wait for it to come back. I often compliment him on things and remind him that I find him attractive and I make sure he knows I appreciate the things he does for the family.

Some may have noticed that I have other threads up on this board about trust issues, and how I appear to be mothering him at times, telling him off for being irresponsible in some cases. I think I balance it with the appreciation but I am not sure. I've asked him how he feels about me, how we are together and why he thinks he has no libido but he can't seem to give me an answer.

We do have the cliched sex killers in our life - a young child, debt and we are both unemployed. Surely not all couples go without sex for two years though?

Last week I felt the urge and instead of ignoring it, I tried to flirt with him. He closed his eyes and looked away. I felt rather foolish.

How long should I wait for it to 'come back again' before I suggest counselling once more? My own libido has nose dived because of the lack of sex in my life, but I'm trying to make an effort. I admit that I'm not entirely sure where to start.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If it's been like this for two out of three years, and if you have a host of other problems like irresponsibility, 'anger' and mistrust on top, I would quite honestly stop demeaning yourself & give it up as a bad job.

[Jan45]

2 out of the 3 years - time to move on OP, it wont get better if it's been like this, you'll just feel worse about yourself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" He says it's not because he doesn't want to, it's that he just doesn't feel for it. "

That amounts to the same thing. I'd also like to hear more about his 'anger issues'. Raising one small baby might present a few challenges but you are two adults. There should be no place in your life for someone who gets angry with a helpless baby.

[pinkfrocks]

How much help are you each getting for your depression? There has been a lot of discussion recently that ADs are not effective and should not be used long term.
Have you got to the root of your own depression?
ADs are known to kill libido so that may apply to your DP.

On the surface, he's not putting in much effort. You have to ask yourself if this is a relationship that has promise- you do have a child- or if maybe without the child you have the relationship would have ended a long time ago.

Is he making any effort to find work? men's confidence and libido always nose dives if they are unemployed- it's classic.

[PresidentSpreadable]

I was also going to suggest that the ADs could be playing a part. They killed both mine and my dp's libido. Fortunately I'm now off them and he's on a lower dose and things are back to normal.

Might be worth talking to your gp.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's taking the ADs because he's angry with the baby... If he stops taking the ADs and the OP gets a sex life back, the baby is going to suffer. Not sure that's a good trade.

[pinkfrocks]

ADs are not the answer for anger-management- that needs counselling and talking.

[LongTimeLurking]

AD are libido killers and can even cause ED in men / make it impossible to actually orgasm too.

[pinkfrocks]

OP- when you DP was prescribed ADs for anger issues, did the GP not suggest a better kind of treatment such as counselling or CBT? ADs for behaviour or relationship issues are really lazy medicine- not the answer long term because presumably he would revert to angry when off them?
It dismays me how some GPs still use these outdated treatments when there is masses of evidence that ADs are over prescribed and often useless.

[LongTimeLurking]

pinkfrocks
"It dismays me how some GPs still use these outdated treatments when there is masses of evidence that ADs are over prescribed and often useless."

It might just be that there was not any talking therapies available in the local area at the time OP's DP went to the GP? Or even that he declined the offer.

Very easy to be critical of the GP without having all the facts and knowing the whole picture. He may have requested a medication to help or have felt the anger was purely down to depression.

[Boomerwang]

Hi and thank you for your responses. Our daughter is 2.5 years old now. It is in fact very rare that my dp is ever angry towards her, more often it's towards me. I recognised very recently that I have become 'picky' for the past few months, making comment on just about everything my dp says because I disagree with it or something. This is parallel to me flirting with him, so I guess that is confusing behaviour. I don't know if lack of sex is causing me to subconsciously try to get a different emotion out of him, since there appears to be very little at the moment.

The AD's helped with the control of his anger and frustration at coping with a new baby. Now that she's not new any more and the changes that occur within our relationship because of our daughter's shifting goalposts, he is much more relaxed.

He has said he will try to quit the AD's but he hasn't made a move to visit the GP. Should I give him a nudge? What if coming off the AD's doesn't help? I'm wondering about doing the same myself, as although I don't miss the depressed episodes, I do miss feeling joy. I started them because I still wanted to kill myself four years after my fiance died as I felt I had no life without him.

He is not making much effort to find work. He always worked, and always searched if he was out of work, but now he is saying that he resents having to work when he just wants to enjoy life. I'm out of work after working all of my life so far, and all I want to do is get a decent job and feel like I have some purpose to my life. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't put up with this relationship any more?

[Boomerwang]

that should say '....not new any more and USED TO the changes....'

[pinkfrocks]

LOngtime MOST GP practices offer counselling or can refer patients to local counsellors paid for by the NHS.
It's also not the role of a patient to 'ask' for ADs, unless they have some medical assessment of their condition. It's up to professionals to offer the right kind of support.

[pinkfrocks]

but now he is saying that he resents having to work when he just wants to enjoy life.
God almighty- wouldn't we all like to take that tack- but some of us are working bloody hard to support the likes of your idleOP.

sorry- didn't want to get political but that kind of attitude really annoys me.

I thought they had tightened up on this

[Boomerwang]

Yes, I agree. It'd be different if he wasn't paying rent with taxpayer's money and grew his own food, but you can't refuse to work unless you also refuse the handouts. You can do that when you retire, after working to build your pension.

He knows and understands, but doesn't care.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

OP this man is a waste of space. You're not 'picky'. He's bone-idle, aggressive, unkind and basically taking the piss. I can't see what you get out of this relationship at all. No sex, no money, no love, no nothing.... just a shedload of bad attitude, excuses and a lot of unhappiness. Sounds to me like you got with him when your life as at a low ebb, you got pregnant too quickly, didn't know him at all, and have been trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear ever since.

If you cut your losses I think you could flush your ADs down the loo within three months.

[Pinkfrocks]

Agree with Cog
Get out.

I'm sorry if my reply earlier sounded rude but when I think how hard I, my 2 DCs and DH work and how much we pay in tax each year to support people who are idle and see employment as a lifestyle choice , rather than a duty, then it makes my blood boil.
I'm assuming he is 'signed off' or getting benefits due to his laziness depression. Because you can't avoid work long term if you simply don't want to do it!

Hope you can start planning to move out or make him move out and set yourself free of this waste of space.

[SolidGoldBrass]

FFS bin this useless parasite. He is contributing nothing to your life and that of your DD. And he has no intention of contributing anything. He thinks it's sufficient that you have a Man In Your Life and therefore you should be grateful, submissive and obedient - and look after him unquestioningly.
Don't waste any more time on him, either find somewhere else to live with your DD or put the man out of the house (depending on who owns it/has name on the tenancy, etc - check with a lawyer if you're not sure).

[Boomerwang]

No, he is not signed off sick. Just not making much of an effort to find a new job.

As I've already said, I'd seriously consider leaving but the hell I'd cause to a father and daughter who love each other dearly would be something nobody could get over and I don't think I could live with myself.

He has said he will go to the doctor in August, when Sweden comes back off it's summer holiday. It's normal for the entire country to down tools for the hot months.

I want to come off them too and see what difference it makes to our lives. Perhaps we might be able to communicate more efficiently? Obviously they stop us from being depressed but surely they also stop us from being emotional in other ways? Perhaps if we could FEEL more for each other we could connect again?

[Pinkfrocks]

Sweden ?

so are you not in the UK?
Just asking because my posts were based on the benefits system in the UK where you have to show you are actively looking for work .

Your DD will be influenced by the life she has now- she will see a stressed mum and a father who is not a good role model for the future relationships she might have as an adult.

Just because your P loves her it doesn't mean he is a good partner and you have to ask yourself if he is being a loving father when he can't get off his lazy arse toprovide for his child.

I think you need to open your eyes and stop excusing his behaviour.

[Pinkfrocks]

Is that a genuine kiss for the OP or are you really the DH ?

[Pinkfrocks]

oops- so sorry wrong thread

[Boomerwang]

There must be something else other than leaving him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The problem you've got is that you want this man to change. You have an image in your head of a perfect family, he's in the hot seat, and if he simply got a job, stepped up to the mark, showed some affection, was kinder, less angry, more thoughtful, saw a doctor etc .... it would all fall into place

People rarely change.

So the choice you have is to either keep doing the same thing as you have been doing, hoping for change, blaming the anti-depressants and meeting the same frustrating dead-ends or you make the decision to leave him to his many personal problems and make a better life for yourself and your DD in which he features as a co-parent rather than a partner.

Referring to DD. She is 2yo and of course she loves her Dad. But she's being raised in the context of an unhealthy and unhappy adult relationship and that can be very damaging for children.