Tricky friend

[ShoeWhore]

I have a rather tricky friendship that I would like some views on. I don't feel like I have been a very good friend in this situation, which troubles me. Please be gentle with me - this might be a bit long as don't want to dripfeed.

I met this friend when her ds and my youngest were babies and we hit it off straightaway. She is very dynamic and can be great fun.

However, she is quite a control freak and it often feels like everything has to be on her terms. For example, she's quite PFB and every single get together would always have to revolve around her ds - she never considered whether that might work (or not) for my 3 dcs! She's a very very good cook but runs a business from her home so can't always have lots of children there - but she would call me and say let's get together at your house, I'll bring the food. (I am a pretty competent cook myself, I should add.) I also noticed that whenever I suggested a venue to meet, it was never good enough and she would always counter with an alternative. Her ds is often not very nice to my dcs either.

It was all a bit full on for me too, if I am honest. I guess my best friendships have developed slowly over time, whereas this felt like we were meant to be instant best mates. Dh works really long hours and is often away most of the week. On top of that we have just had a tough few years with one thing after another. Often at weekends we have family to visit or frankly just want to collapse in a heap. I don't always have the energy for full on entertaining, not so often anyway. I did get much better at managing this but it all feels very hard work.

And yet she was very kind to us when dh was made redundant a few years ago. It's actually much better if we get together without children in a group, then we have a real laugh.

This time last year she invited us to a big lunch at her house with a whole crowd of people. She gave several weeks notice. I was in the middle of a really difficult time and didn't reply for ages to say we couldn't make it, until about a week before. Various things were going on that made it really tricky to plan stuff. I tried to do the decent thing by calling and apologising and saying look I know I am being crap and trying to explain why. She responded by having a real go at me.

The upshot is that over the last year or so we haven't really seen each other very often. We are moving soon and I haven't told her yet. Ages ago, I did tell her we were thinking about it and she was really negative about the whole thing and said she thought we'd really regret it. I am putting off making the call. I am not really up for another telling off! I need to man up and make the phone call, don't I?

[magoria]

Why do you even need to tell her?

Move then send her a change of address card if you want to remain in contact.

[123rd]

Do you? Would you be phoning her just to chat if you didn't have this news to tell her? Why not leave it till you bump into her or had arranged to meet anyway. Don't make a n extra special big thing about it. Tbh, doesn't sound like a huge loss to me. Will the friendship survive the move?

[ShoeWhore]

No, I can't see the friendship surviving the move tbh - we are moving a few hours away. I have been wondering about just not calling but felt a bit guilty about it! Plus am organising a big leaving party to which mutual friends are invited, not sure what to do about that either.

[springydaffs]

I'm always wary of people who expect to be best buds in a second. They can blow hot and cold (icey) in a second, too. You've got to let roots grow or something challenging could blow the whole thing over ( did you see that imagery there?). People who blow hot and cold can be almost besotted with [the idea of] you, which can be very heady bcs they're dynamic types; then very suddenly, often bcs of a tiny upset, they lose interest in their latest project...

I had (see that past tense) a friend like this, right down to her being a good cook, and me too; yet somehow or other we always ended up eating at hers and never once at mine; always did what she wanted, rarely what I wanted. Etc. The way I look at it is that we had some great times and I remember her fondly, just that it was never going to last long.

You could send her a new address notification, I suppose.. Or invite her to your leaving get-together. She probably won't come bcs she won't be at the helm of what's going on and that would be boring for her, of little interest.

I wouldn't call her, though. Your friendship is in the past and a phone call wouldn't be appropriate.

[springydaffs]

Took me ages to type that.

Invite her to your do. She probably won't come - or if she does it will be a flying visit (dynamic, see; always on the go). Whatever way, you will have fulfilled your obligation to the friendship that was but is no more.

[ShoeWhore]

Thanks springy that really helps.