Feels like relationship in tatters, not sure what to do

[lovesmusiclovestodance]

(NC for this.)
Not even sure where to start. DP and I have 2 DCs together, aged 4 and 20 months. We haven't had sex since DC2 was conceived; basically because I don't want to. I don't think I am attracted to him and somehow I just feel uncomfortable and awkward about the idea.
He doesn't shower enough (due to psoriasis) which is really, really offputting too.
House is a mess which I have a lot of trouble coping with. I work a lot and try to make an effort to relax when not working, so while I COULD be cleaning more, I'm not.
The main problem is that he gets quite snappy a lot of the time. This is understandable as he's tired. He is the one who gets up with the kids and spends the most time with them. But I HATE it. He gets snappy with the kids and also with me. When I call him on it he says things like "I was reacting to how you spoke to me". I have told him a hundred times that if he thinks I was rude he should tell me, not snap at me and leave me to figure it out, but nothing happens.
We are in counselling but not sure how that is going as we get along fine in general, we have a laugh with the counsellor and she comments on how we obviously care about each other.
The main takeaway from the last few sessions seems to be that I need to suck it up and deal with it because you can't change other people. Obviously I realise that, and I accept it. But I can't live my life like this. So if nothing changes I think I want to leave.
That opens up a whole new can of worms because we couldn't afford to live separately (we can hardly afford to live together), and there is a housing shortage in our area so it would be well-nigh impossible for me to find an affordable place to live. And I couldn't bear to leave my children anyway; how on earth could I do that?
I feel stuck with all this and not sure what my next move should be. I just want a peaceful life and a happy (and reasonably clean) home. Not to bring my children up in filth with parents who are snapping at each other all the time.
Any thoughts?

[lovesmusiclovestodance]

Oh bugger, should have previewed. So sorry about the Great Wall of Text.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Op your having a laugh and a joke with the counsellor is t really connecting or being honest about the real issues, have you mentioned or been frank about his hygiene ? Does he mention how snappy he thinks you are.?

Could you be dancing around the issues instead if facing the head on you think?

[MargotThreadbetter]

Having psoriasis does not stop me from showering at least once a day or smelling nice. He's being lazy.

[lovesmusiclovestodance]

Hmmm good question Guilty. Counsellor knows the hygiene issue as I have mentioned it to her privately (long story, I was seeing her individually for a while) and has made a few hints to him about it - particularly that it might help him on the sex front

At the last session I broke down about how trapped I felt so I think the issues are being addressed at least to a certain extent. Possibly not 'head on' but not avoided either.

I feel like the message I'm being given is 'like it or lump it', which is of course pretty much how it is when it comes to dealing with other people. But do I really have to choose between a reasonably tidy house and a broken home? Makes me sad. I grew up with a mother who was impossible to deal with and I would love to have a calm, happy home for my children. Even better if their parents could be happy together in it, but I feel like I'm going to end up forced to create a home where I'll be happy on my own.

Margot thanks for that comment, perhaps I'll have to put my foot down. He is effing lazy to be honest. I am a bit lazy too (not in that way though!), but jeez. He does have very bad psoriasis so I've always just taken his word for things, but I hate hate hate it when he gets into our nice clean bed with clean sheets when he hasn't showered for like 5 days or so. Then makes comments about sex

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

He's the one who gets up with the kids and spends the most time with them. You admit that you could do more cleaning but you don't. So what exactly are you doing when you're not bothering with either of those? I'd be snappy with you too if I was your husband, sex or no sex.

[lovesmusiclovestodance]

In fairness, he does absolutely NO cleaning and I do all the washing. I am the sole breadwinner, but I like to spend time with the kids too. After they're in bed I am usually too tired to do much and either read, go online or, usually, crash into bed.
When I say I could do more cleaning, I mean it's not like I'm never home. But when home it's nice to be with the children. I like to be careful that I'm not always either working or doing housework. They'll be grown up before I know it.

[lovesmusiclovestodance]

Basically, I organise the finances and do all household admin, make the money, clean a bit and do all the washing for myself & the children, plus a bit of DPs (eg I just did a bunch of his t-shirts to fill up a load). DP does most (though not all) of the cooking in the evenings, but I do most of the shopping/meal planning. He changes most of the nappies, looks after the kids 2.5/3 days a week, gets them dressed etc.

[zumby]

Can you not sit down with your DH and tell him what would make you feel better, and ask him what would make him feel better. So for you, it would be the house being tidy, him cleaning up/putting away after himself and him showering every day. For him it would probably be you getting up with the children more often and paying him some attention (not sexual) in the evenings.

Then agree with each others list to try and improve. Book a few days off work. Spend the first couple of days going through house together, both of you in same room, decluttering and cleaning. the final day go out as a pair, and have a meal out, a walk in the sun, relatively cheap, easy, relaxed company together.

Once the house is tidy and you've had some time together, and you are fulfilling your part of the compromise - then take some time to assess your relationship.

Hang in there though, and try and make things work before giving up. Your children are still young, it does get better.

[Twinklestein]

I don't understand, if you are the sole breadwinner, why he is not doing cleaning and washing...

There's no way my husband would be getting into bed with me if he hadn't washed for 5 days. Euuch.

[Cabrinha]

It doesn't sound like a fair division of labour there.
He doesn't even have the kids full time (nursery / school I guess?) yet the only thing he seems to do is cook?
Is that right?

[Guiltypleasures001]

Op you don't have to like or not this isn't suck it up, you have have a choice you and he can either put your cards on the table and talk honestly, or you make plans to be without him.

He has an easy life and is being incredibly lazy he may even be a bit depressed or feel a bit emasculated. But that's no excuse if he hasn't washed kick him to the floor, he needs to get some self respect and you need to grow a slightly larger pair than you have at the moment. It's not working this is what needs to happen 3 months max then it's a solicitor, otherwise your paying the counsellor a lot of money to beat around the bush.

[rb32]

"The main problem is that he gets quite snappy a lot of the time. This is understandable as he's tired. He is the one who gets up with the kids and spends the most time with them. But I HATE it. He gets snappy with the kids and also with me."

My gf was like this quite a bit. I ended up doing more tidying up and she now seems alot happier. She still does alot more housework than me, all the washing for example, but I guess if she sees me putting in effort into the housework after I'm home from work she's happy with that.

The not showering for days though....ummmm, just make him sort it out!