I feel alone

[1tiredmummy]

Hi all never been here before but I feel like its a last resort. I'm 26 married with two kids one is two and tend other is nine months. Since falling pregnant with number two I had to give up my job, we both decided it was for the best as I was on minimum wage and child are is so expensive, I said to my husband don't mind being an at home mother just as king as he helps when he's at home and shows some appreciation. Has any of that happened? No. When number two was born we discovered it was a she and from that moment husband hasn't really wanted anything to do with her and treats me like his servant. All he has done since being pregnant is lie about quitting smoking, spend anytime he is at home playing games on this stupid iPad,if it's not games it's porn I'm sure bushes learnt how to clear the history so who knows. He practically ignores me when he's home except when he's telling me off for leaving the dishwasher full of clean stuff, he refuses to eat my cooking but complains about having to do that.
He talks to me like I'm a child then when we go to bed he wants sex, if he does get it afterwards he just rolls over and goes to sleep.
I have tried so many waxy to try a cage through t him but he doesn't listen, hex never eve apologised for any of the times he has upset me it's driving me mad, I don't get a break from the kids or from him, I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions. I was also diagnosed with pnd after number two was born and all he could do was tell me that if we lose the kids it's my fault, there's been no support, comfort, reassurance or communication with him in months. It wax our wedding anniversary last week had got me nothing and didn't even have the decency to open the card I got him of ash thank you off the verb expensive wine bought him. I've thought about leaving hind before and friends have suggested if as a wag to shock him into doing something about his behaviour, but I'm tired of trying with him, should I just tell him to go?

[Scarletohello]

You sound very unhappy, unsurprisingly. He treats you with disrespect and cruelty. What are you getting out of this relationship?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you split up do it because you want a better life for yourself and your DCs away from this woman-hating bully. Not because you want him to shock him into action. Bullies don't think they're doing anything wrong - that's why he doesn't listen, doesn't apologise etc - so ideas of them suddenly finding a conscience are futile.

One very serious question. Does the bullying treatment extend to aggression or violence in any form? Includes swearing, breaking things, threats etc. If so, even less reason to try to shock him into action. Keep your safety top of mind at all times

[Hobby2014]

Have you had a proper sit down, tv off, phones away, kids asleep and told him how you feel?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I have tried so many waxy to try a cage through t him but he doesn't listen,"

Even allowing for typos, I think it's very clear that this man will not respond to a 'proper sit down'. He sounds appalling.

[HumblePieMonster]

His attitude to a girl child made me wonder if this is cultural? Not that its an excuse for unkindness.

It sounds as if you have a horrible life with him and might be happier without him.

[1tiredmummy]

He was over the moon when we had a boy but he said now he has a boy he didn't mind if number two was a girl, he's never been violent or aggressive, he does swear a lot especially when can't find something. E.g for f$€ks sake wheres the spatula! I say in the dishwasher and he'll say no wonder I can't find anything it's always in the wring f£@king place. It doesn't matter to him if it's clean, he thinks if I have time to wash it I have time to put it away. I am aware that a family member was sent to prison because he had committed some kind of crime against a child but nobody wants to talk about, he has said he's nervous about being with the girl bath times make him uncomfortable.we had a huge row a few weeks back I front if his mum so she knows what twat he can be. He knows exactly how I feel and that he is close to losing me and the kids but it's made little impact on his behaviour.
P.s apologies for spelling, stupid iPad auto corrects when it shouldn't

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He seriously said that he's nervous about being with his own baby daughter at bath-time? I can't decide if he's just making up some ridiculous excuse to get out of doing things for the DCs or if he's trying to tell you he's got unnatural urges. Either way it's horrible

[1tiredmummy]

I think he's just making excuses. I've been complaining at him for so long it feels like I'm just nagging at him for no reason, it's almost become boring to try and get through to him I've already told him that if he's not happy then to leave but he said he doesn't want to but he makes no effort to make me feel loved, he says I love you every night but I need more than that and he doesn't understand. The only thing I can do to get his attention is to tell him why I need constant love and reassurance. He already knows I have very low self esteem and confidence dud to all the bullying that went on in my life but I haven't told him the worst of it. When I was ten I was abused by a neighbour, I've never told anyone but I'm scared that he won't take if seriously or use it to make sick infantile jokes and comments because sometimes he thinks something us funny I his head but I don't find it funny. What do I do? I don't want to fight because I either cry of walk away so it never gets resolved. I'm not sure I even love him anymore and it's killing me

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's quite a lot to unravel there. Childhood abuse can be very damaging all by itself and I wonder if you should talk to someone about it in confidence such as a trained counsellor. Definitely don't talk to your DH if he'd use it against you. I would also stop explaining why you need love and affection btw because you're wasting your breath.

Bullying is another form of abuse and I wonder who it was that bullied you growing up. A parent? It's affecting your relationship. Not because you 'attract' abuse... that's not the right conclusion... but possibly because you have a higher tolerance level due to your experience. Someone else might have rejected him much earlier but you'll have seen something familiar and hoped for the best.

[1tiredmummy]

Thanks for your advice cogitoergosometimes you make a lot of sense, I spent a lot of time writing him a letter yesterday and was ready to give it to him when he came home, but he told me he's bee to the docs to have some suspect moles looked at and now he's got to see a specialist. He was really shaken up as cancer runs in the family, so I told him I'll be there for him but he cannot take his upset out on me, I'll keep hold of the letter for now but the moment he goes back to shitty behaviour I'll hand it over and I'm gone. Will keep you posted. Thank you for reading it makes me feel better knowing there's someone out ther with real advice

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think it would represent personal growth on your part to take control of the end of the relationship and decide the timing. I say that because, from the pencil sketch of your life so far, I get the impression that you have been at the mercy of events and at the mercy of other (malicious) people a lot of the time.

Now you may think it is bad timing to end the marriage because he's upset about a few moles and that's your decision, of course. However, my strong advice is not to wait for another shitty episode in order to act. That's putting things back in his hands - almost waiting for him to give you permission - rather than asserting yourself and creating your own opportunity. Take the time now to get legal advice, practical advice, sound out some moral support from friends and family.... in short, make a detailed plan .... and then you present it to him when it's convenient to you.

Good luck

[1tiredmummy]

I've got lots of thinking to do, your right nothing will change unless I speak up men are famously clueless to how women feel. Time to have a long talk with him, I'll get the kids to grandmas and just have it out with him, it's stupid to avoid the inevitable

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

With respect, men are not a different species. They understand perfectly well how others feel. 'Boys will be boys' or 'men are from Mars' are just myths peddled to excuse badly behaved males. However, a bully... because that's what you're talking about.... is a very selfish, cowardly, inadequate piece of work. They see how their behaviour makes others feel and, because they are getting what they want, they simply don't care.