Is my husband cheating? What do you think of this??

[eliza1960]

I feel sick about what I've just found on my DH's iPad. For months now hes been staying up until 1 or 2am. I thought he was playing an online game on his iPad or watching TV. He's become obsessed with an online game recently and is on it all the time. Today I picked up his iPad, thinking it was mine, and an app was open with loads of messages.

It was open on a messaging session on an app called Line between loads of users and he had posted there mainly talking about this game. I scrolled back and found lots of recent messages on this chat session from him, mainly dated in the early hours of the morning. There is a woman on there who is replying to everyone's messages. When he posted for the first time, she went really overboard and wrote stuff like "YAY you're here!!!" and sent loads of hug smileys. Then another user said to DH "Princess is glad you're here, she's been trying to get you on here for ages."

I came out of that and looked on his 'chats' section. There is a tab open with this woman (Princess') name but there are no messages, like its been wiped. There is a photo of her, shes quite young and dressed in a weird outfit. She lives in the USA. He has his phone number on his profile and this app lets people send messages, make free calls/video chats.

I feel sick. 30 years of marriage and I feel like I dont even know him. Hes so sneaky. He never comes to bed at the same time as me and I know its because hes been staying up late chatting to these people, particularly this woman. I don't know whats been said or whats going on. He's kept this from me and now I think he may be cheating.

What shall i do? He's coming back soon and I'm feeling sick and angry. Should i confront him?

[Vivacia]

Confront him over what?

[eliza1960]

Keeping this chatroom a secret and being up on it until the early hours of the morning. As well as having a private chat with this woman and wiping the messages.

[Jan45]

Yes you must, sorry but I'd be very unhappy if my partner was staying up chatting to god knows who until 2am.........he's either committed to you and the relationship or he isn't. Not sure if he's actually cheating on you but it doesn't look good.

[eliza1960]

Why would he have put his phone number on there? He never gives his phone number out to anyone. :(

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

It sounds to me like an emotional affair. Dear oh dear. I'd have to confront him about it.

[RitaConnors]

Are they interacting with each other when they play the game? Or just on the chat room?

[Vivacia]

It sounds as though he has online friends. It could be more, obviously, but I just think how many times my partner may have woken up to find me chatting away to some regular internet friends, especially when the children were young.

[RitaConnors]

If you share a cloud, you can click on the cloud icon at the top on the right and see what is open on all the devices that share the cloud.

[Squidstirfry]

Whether it's an 'affair' exactly or not, (this OW lives in another country etc) the fact remains that your relationship is being neglected in favour of his online life which includes a lot of other virtual friends.

It's now the time to say you feel second place, you need more from him and see how he responds to your needs.

[Vivacia]

your relationship is being neglected in favour of his online life

I can see that there's more evidence for this than for their being an emotional affair. However, the OP hasn't actually said so.

[achtunglady]

I use Line, and always thought it was linked to your phone number, so if I give my QR code to someone they can see my number. Or so I thought anyway???

Sounds like an online gaming community, some have official forums, some Facebook groups and obviously this one has a Line chat.

FWIW so far as I know Line is the equivalent to Skype, but more popular in Asia and USA.

[Ivehearditallnow]

Looks like there's a 'hidden chat' feature where messages get instantly wiped so there's no history.

blogs.wsj.com/digits/2014/07/23/messaging-app-line-adds-hidden-chat-feature/

Hope you're OK OP. It might be innocent. It sounds more pathetic than sordid to me. x

[eliza1960]

He has been very distant over the past year or so and doesn't have much of an interest in family life. We have an autistic DS and his behaviour causes a lot of stress in our marriage.

I asked him about it and he said it was just an online community of gamers and nothing sordid was going on. He said the woman is the leader of his 'alliance' in the game and has been giving tips and telling him where the battles are so he can fight them.

I explained that I would prefer it if he didn't spend as much time on this game as he is literally on it from the time he gets up sometimes to 2am. Even when he got home today, he was straight on it until I mentioned I found the messages. He has said he will delete it (his choice) and focus more on family life. We have recently bought a new house to move in to and he has shown no interest but now he is busy looking up paints for when we decorate.

It did hurt me that he didn't mention it at all though. He said it was because I wouldn't be interested but it felt like he was keeping secrets from me. Yet he wouldn't like it if I went on a chat room and was talking to strangers.

[Jan45]

OP, you are perfectly justified in what you have told him, spending all his spare time until 2am chatting to strangers is a total kick in the face for you and his family.

Let's wait and see if he will do what he says, actions always speak louder than words.

[rb32]

Yet he wouldn't like it if I went on a chat room and was talking to strangers.


Really?

[pinkfrocks]

I think you need to accept that the language some people use online is often OTT and doesn't always mean something.
What you have posted here could be a genuine 'nice to see you online' from another gamer, it doesn't have to be a romantic attachment.

I'd say from what you have found it may amount to a bit of harmless flirting amongst fellow gamers but no more than that- IF that.

TBH it's not this that is the issue- it's the fact that he's avoiding coming to bed so I assume there is little affection between you- and I don't mean sex.

The other thing to bear in mind is that chat rooms and forums can be addictive but also an escape from reality.

[Vivacia]

Yet he wouldn't like it if I went on a chat room and was talking to strangers.

I know somebody else already alluded to this, but how is that really different to posting on MN?

[eliza1960]

I know what you mean but I don't spend hours at a time on Mumsnet on an instant chat service to the detriment of family life. I don't stay up until the early hours of the morning on it and skip meals because I'm busy 'finishing something off' on there. He definitely wouldn't like it if I sat on my backside all day swapping tips for a game with random people and being told how wonderful I am. I barely come on here, I'm too busy caring for my DS which is a full time job in itself. He does nothing when it comes to that. If anyone needs an escape, it's me.

[Vivacia]

So did you want him to come of his game completely or just not spend so much time on it that it damaged family life?

I'm pretty impressed he's just deleted it at one word from you

eyes Minecraft icon with guilty memories

[eliza1960]

He said he would delete it, I don't know if he actually will. I said I felt it was becoming an addiction and he said "well I could stop going on there tomorrow if I wanted to. In fact I'm going to delete it anyway."

I wouldn't have minded him cutting down on it tbh. It's just that sometimes I feel like the only one in this marriage.

[knowledgeispower]

In my mind if any online activity takes over your life or causes distress to partners it's a problem.

It is often symptomatic of something else going on. I'll give an example in my life, I became obsessed with an online community a number of tears ago as I was struggling with things that were going on in my life at the time. I was 'hiding' away. Really I should have been addressing what was going on but it felt easier to hide my head in the sand.

I have since addressed these issues and always monitor my online time as I have an addictive personality!

[knowledgeispower]

So...

He may be having an emotional affair he may not but you really need to talk in depth about what has gone on.