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Relationships

Week 1 of being a single mother

22 replies

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 11:31

Hi all, dont know where to postvthis really but here goes :-).. I split with my partner of 5 years last tuesday hes gone back to live with his mother.. We were meant to be getting married on the 19th july (just gone) but 2weeks before the wedding he decides to tell me he doesnt love me anymore and hasnt done since our second child was born in january!! Devestated to say the least!! However we stayed together to "try" but i couldnt do it anymore, sleeping in the same bed as the man who doesnt love me or want me near him.. So i told him to pack and leave last tuesday.. However i miss him like mad and really do love him, he comes to see the kids everyday and hes giving me mixed signals as to whether he does love me or not!? Advice would be helpful or anyone whose been in a similar situation my head is well and truely all over!! Thanxx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 11:36

Sorry it didn't work out. Suggest you put an end to the daily visits and gain yourself some space to do some thinking about how you want the future to go. ... not upsetting you with his hot/cold mixed signals. Your home is your sanctuary, he has let you down very badly indeed and things shouldn't just carry on as if nothing had happened. Work out a structured visit schedule for the DCs and keep him a lot more at arms' length. He should respect your need to be alone.

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 11:40

Mixed signals usually means I don't really want you full time but perhaps.....don't stand for it OP, he's made his feelings clear as day, you need to build a life that does not include him.

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 11:46

He say he doesnt want anyone else, he doesnt see himself with anyone n he doesnt want me with anyone else, he says the stress hes under is too much i.e lots of debt, miserable in his job etc. i told him to go thinking he would miss me but he sees me everyday n comes in n chats like normal.. He said he misses the kids but keeps himself busy so he doesnt have time to think about our relationship. I just dont want to believe hes not hurting about us bot being together anymore. Obviously when he comes around i put on a big act like im happy n over him but feel deflated everytime he walks out the door... As you can probably tell my head is all over the place and to top it off im penniless

OP posts:
LBZT · 28/07/2014 11:51

He won't miss you if he sees you everyday. You need to create real space let him take the DC out, don't let him in the house, that is your space. You have to create strong boundaries that he must respect. Set a space around you so that you give yourself the space to really think and make choices for you and the DC.
Also look into what you can claim others may be able to here more than I can.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 11:52

He has ended the relationship so it's no longer his business if you decide to be with anyone else or not. A big fat 'boo hoo' to his sob story about debt and job misery, right? Hmm He's gone so it's nothing to you. Coming round every day just means that you're looking after the DCs 24/7 and he just drops by when he feels like some kind of kindly uncle. Of course he's not hurting - he's got it cushy.

Tell him to stay away and start making arrangements to see the DCs on his own time and at his own home.

Do you have friends/family that you can call on for support? You probably need some practical help sorting out finances, claiming tax credits or similar as a single person etc. Is he contributing anything

YvyB · 28/07/2014 11:56

Good for you, having the self respect to say 'I deserve better and no, you don't get all the conveniences of being in a relationship without the emotional commitment that goes with it'. Telling him to leave was incredibly brave - lots of people would let things continue for ages before finding the courage to end it.

Now it's time to think about how YOU want things to go. No way do you have to allow him daily access - every other weekend plus perhaps an evening mid week is pretty standard. With a young baby, you can be even more specific than that, providing it's to promote your dc's welfare and not to gain control or revenge for yourself.

I know it's no comfort, but summer is a good time to start off as a single mum as warm weather and light evenings will give you chance to start building new routines for yourself, even if it's just 'on Mondays we go to the swings, on Tuesdays we feed the ducks...' It does feel artificial and empty to start with but it will give you a framework to build on and chance to get used to doing things by yourself before the evenings draw in.

You were brave enough to ask him to leave, you are definitely strong enough to create a new life now. Start thinking about researching practicalities too such as tax credits. Lean on family and friends rather than him now - in 6 months time you will be in such a different place.

LBZT · 28/07/2014 11:57

Also meant to add that he should no longer have access to you as by walking out he has lost that right to you. No more cosy chats listening to his sob stories. He has no rights to your time thoughts help sympathy etc. He walked he loses that right don't give it to him.

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 12:00

Iv sorted tax credits housing benefit income support etc, i do work but have a very low wage. I do agree we shouldnt see each other everyday coz its messing with my head. Yea its getting on my nerves that he can come and go as he pleases go and see his friends etc when he likes and im trapped in.. He works every weekend all weekend so i cant even go out unless my mother helps out but she wont have both children as they are young and a handful at times. I feel a bit trapped to be fair.. I know it sounds awful but my only company is the kids

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 12:13

Then even more incentive to put a formal contact schedule together that suits your schedule. Put it in writing rather than doing it verbally and get a written response agreeing to it. If he works all weekend he should be able to look after the DCs on some weekdays and give you a proper break.

ChanelNumber19 · 28/07/2014 12:16

You've done the right thing. It will get easier. Make sure he takes the children on a regular basis so that you have some free time too, and I agree that having it formalised is the best thing, so that you can plan around your free time, look forward to it etc.. structure a life around that formalise time when he shares the responsibility.

ChanelNumber19 · 28/07/2014 12:18

Agree, no more listening to him figure himself out! blimey. How selfish and self-indulgent of him to turn to you to help him come to terms with not loving you..

In years to come, you will have his respect if not his LOVE, and there will come a day when that is precisely what you want. My x's love is worth jackshit to me now. But I do (finally) have his respect I think.

LBZT · 28/07/2014 12:18

He is the dad he has responsibility towards the DC, don't let him walk away from that as well, you need time for yourself. Agree with pp contact schedule in writing, think about what would work for you, what would make your life easier.

mindyourown1 · 28/07/2014 12:20

does he have a key? If so get it back or change the lock. He no longer lives there so has no reason to set 1 foot over your threshold. Also you need to stop the chats - you are not his friend or counsellor any more. Time to start taking care of yourself. Is he paying maintenance?

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 12:52

He pays for my car and phone contract which anounts to 300+ per month. Im going to cut contact starting today n schedual times etc he can see the kids coz i cant keep it up its only been a week n it feels like he still lives here. He no longer has a key x

OP posts:
Vivacia · 28/07/2014 12:53

One week, I can completely understand how everything is still so ad hoc, but you've got to move things to the next stage. This is what people are outlining above - the house has to become your space, and yours alone (you and the children). You have to get his access organised, for the sake of the children and their relationship with him. Thirdly, you have to pull away. You are not his mate. Keep communication strictly about parenting your children. I'd be worried that sooner or later his mixed messages are going to turn in to having sex with you giving you false hope.

Vivacia · 28/07/2014 12:53

Oh, and the contact shouldn't be at your home.

mindyourown1 · 28/07/2014 12:53

you my be better off getting him to pay maintenance properly and pay for the car and phone yourself. Have you checked how much he is meant to be paying you?

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 13:23

I have no worries about sex together he wasnt intrested in the last month of our relationship. Hes just been because my oldest was ill through the night, told him i dont see the point in him comin everyday so he stormed out saying hevwill only see them twice a week. Hes a childish prick! Hes only spiting the kids by doing that, he coukd have them tues wed n thursday but like soneone else said hes too selfish!! I was pissed off anyway that he just strolls in unannounced while im on the phone to try and sort my tax credits out because they havent paid me then telling me i should put my childs mattress outside to dry off as he was sick ob it lastvnight and id cleaned it. I snapped that it was my house.. He wasnt amused. Im just angry now lol x

OP posts:
LBZT · 28/07/2014 14:33

Don't let him get to you, outside of contact times he is not allowed to turn up at your house. You need to get all this is writing put forward a suggestion for contact and let him confirm that will work etc. You are wasting your time talking to him stick to e-mails/text. Nothing personal just talk about contact arrangements. Don't waste a single other word on him. Create those boundaries put you first. Please don't waste your energy on text/e-mail arguments you'll only get upset. Ignore any communication from him that does not relate to the DC.

Minime85 · 28/07/2014 16:28

Agree with others. If u can set up a routine then do. He should see kids but not in your home. Keep a note of when he has them and if he doesn't turn up etc. my ex left me but didn't have anyone else. Made me feel ashamed but after a few weeks I realised I had nothing to be ashamed of. He has absolutely no right to tell u he doesn't want u to have anyone else either. You need space away from him so u can build yourself back up again, which u absolutely will. Smile

LoFo2013 · 28/07/2014 17:20

Its just lonliness and missing him like mad thats driving me crazy, i was angry earlier but now im bk to wishing he was here with me.. Feel pretty pathetic.. Im promising myself no more texts to him either. Justvwish he would comevand get his clothes and other stuff, the kids are whats keeping me going.. And eating is another problem too im just not hungry anymore lol.. Spose it will help me loose the excess weight i put on when i got with him x thanks for ur lovely messages it feels better to talk to u all x

OP posts:
ChanelNumber19 · 28/07/2014 17:48

You;re not pathetic. The adjustment is so hard. Humans hate change. Even change for the better can be really scary!

You will be ok. You won't feel as lonely as you do now indefinitely because you will get used to the new situation. Honestly, the transition period is the worst, so, for that reason as well, don't prolong it with unclear boundaries.

your house. Set times for access. Co-parent. No unnecessary talking. Polite chit chat about the weather and what the children need.

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