Ex is demanding alternative nights... How to explain why this is not good

[BoldBlackCherry]

Ex DP has finally got his act together and accepted it is over. He moved out properly but is now being even more difficult than usual.

I started working again, a couple of days a week in a supermarket and it's great to be out of the house and having something for myself.

Since I started work 2 weeks ago he has been awful about childcare when I'm working. My mum has the girls until 4pm one day and he was supposed to pick them up when he finished work at 4 till I finished at 10. He's now refusing to do this stating that he has other stuff to do. He promised he would do it before I accepted the job and to be honest I shouldn't have had to worry about it because there is no reason he can't do it.

He doesn't even need to do the other shift because it's a 3 hour shift on a Sunday night and my mum is happy to do it.

Going back to the other shift, I genuinely have nobody to have the girls. Childminders in this area work until 6, they are all full anyway and my family all work on a Tuesday night so no available babysitters. I was thinking of hiring a babysitter but they are really expensive and defeats the purpose of me working.

Ex is now demanding dd2 every second night. He won't take dd1 because she's not biologically his even though he's been there since she was 6 months old and she calls him daddy. Dd2 is 13 months old and I think it's too much. He works during the week 7-3.30 so on the weeknights he has her I need to get the bus at 6am with my 5 year old to get to his mums house a half hour journey away to pick her up. I think this is taking the piss.

I have let him the past week do this but I don't want it to continue. It's too much for me. I can't afford the bus fares (£17 return every second day) and it's not fair on my 5 year old. She's exhausted.

He will not do the Tuesday night and it's just because I'm working and he's pissed off I've got independence again.

He is coming down tonight to chat and pick up dd2 but he's so unreasonable he doesn't understand why I won't agree to alternative nights and thinks I'm just stopping him from seeing her.

It's not the case and surely anyone with half a brain csn see why it's not a good idea.

What's the best way to sort this?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Quit your job or change your shifts. Never rely on him for childcare again. Sorry x

[GinAndSonic]

Agree with PP, you need to make sure your job is one you can do with no help from your ex.
As for the alternative nights, say no, suggest a reasonable alternative. Dont agree to it due to pressure or bullying from him.

[GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt]

Yes, you need to give him minimal involvement in your life. Arrange weekend contact, your DD needs to know where her home is. How confusing it would be for her to never know which home she'd be in at the end of each day. I think this could set her up for emotional issues in life.

[BoldBlackCherry]

That seems the most logical thing to do but I can't change my shifts just now. I have already asked and ivr just signed a contract for those shifts for 12 weeks so until then I can't do anything.

I'm thinking about quitting. I don't want to and I'll look awful quitting 2 weeks in to a job but it seems to be the only way at the moment.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Check that you are getting everything you are entitled to in the way of tax credits. This might make childcare more affordable.
And, unless there's already a court order, tell your XP to go fuck himself, he can see DD once a week midweek and every other weekend which is the standard stuff. You do not have to obey him. He's just a tiresome bullying prick. Try to hang on to your job - he clearly wants to wreck it and it would be so much better for you and DC to be able to ignore his sabotage attempts and do what suits you.

[Aussiemum78]

Do you have any girlfriends who might be happy to trade childcare?

Quitting should be your last option, and only do that once you talk to the employer and explain the problem you are having. Some employers will attempt to help if they can by changing shifts.

[YvyB]

I think you have to tread very carefully here. If you're going to argue that your dcs need the consistency of their own home and beds, not to mention practical routines, you really are going to have to demonstrate that you are putting their needs first yourself. In an ideal world, your ex would reliably share childcare but he's demonstrating that he's not going to do that. Infuriating, yes, but you can't force him.

Given that this is your situation (and I know exactly what that is like - my exh hasnt shown his face for over 4 years) you are going to have to build your life around your circumstances. You have 2 dcs and no evening childcare - therefore, at the moment, you can't accept evening work. I know this is unfair, I had to lose my promotion over this exact issue, but ultimately, stability for your dcs must come first.

The silver lining here is, of course, that once you are demonstrating that EVERYTHING you do is to promote routine and consistency, you can tell him to shove his every other day idea and insist on something regular and manageable. Don't be afraid to use the courts and cafcass if it comes to it: they are only concerned with what is best for your dcs. I represented myself, the cafcass officer was very helpful and reassuring and the judge wiped the floor with my exh. Not because they took sides but because their only concern was my ds's welfare.

Good luck!

[DiaDuit]

if OP quits her job will she not be leaving herself up shit creek financially? Isnt there a 14 week no benefit period if you quit your job?

OP i have been in your shoes and i agree with others that you have to make work decisions as if he doesnt exist. You may have to use paid childcare or depend more on family but you cant depend on him. I did and i ended up losing clients and a lot of money due to EXP not turning up so often, despite his promises. There was always an excuse.

[DiaDuit]

Definitely speak to your employer about doing day shifts. Explain the situation. Is it a supermarket that claims family friendly status?

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You need to make alternative arrangements so you don't rely on him at all for any childcare. What he's demanding is completely unreasonable and designed purely to inconvenience you to the max. That he's unwilling to take DD1 just shows what lengths he's prepared to go to to hurt you and your daughter. He's fucking vile! If you have to leave your job, and I suspect this is part of his intention then that it what you must do. You will probably find that once you have done so he's going to stop demanding alternate days and find some other arrangement even more inconvenient, even more expensive for you and even more wounding to DD1.

[rootypig]

Full and frank discussion with your manager, they may well be able to accommodate you shift wise. Have worked for supermarkets a few times and as a business they have very varied shift patterns.

I would also get down to your local Sure Start / job centre and make sure you're claiming everything you're entitled to for child care.

(ie am envisaging that your shifts could be brought within a CM's normal working hours, and that you would then be entitled to help with the cost.)

Sorry he's such a shit . Agree with YyvB that the silver lining is being able to call the shots with him.

[basgetti]

if OP quits her job will she not be leaving herself up shit creek financially? Isnt there a 14 week no benefit period if you quit your job?

Not in the OP's case as she has a 13 month old so isn't obliged to look for work until they are 5. Assuming she is entitled to income related benefits she can quit her job and claim Income Support without any sanctons.

[BoldBlackCherry]

Thanks for the replies he is being awful about everything.

What I suggested was one day a week while I'm working, at my house doing tea bath and bed routine, then Saturday all day returning her on a Sunday evening.

I thought this was reasonable, he thinks it's not and is wanting more.

I think I'll need to let the courts decide and that's a road I didn't want to go down.

[DiaDuit]

Thanks basgetti. I didnt realise it didnt apply to LPs with Dc under 5.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You might think the arrangement you suggested was reasonable. I agree with you that it was but his intention is not to be reasonable, it's to cause you maximum inconvenience and maximum cost while hurting your DD1 to the quick in order to punish you.

Honestly, I'd be minded to tell him to fuck off with his games, he's not seeing the children at all and he's not to come back bothering you with his stupid shit until he's got a court-order.

He's using your children to hurt you and nothing else. He's a fucking prick so fight fire with fire.

[YvyB]

Start keeping your diary. Log all text messages, emails etc. Try not to have phone conversations now as it's harder to prove what was said. Put what you are offering in writing; set down all dates you feel it is reasonable and in your dc's best interest to have contact for the next 3 months and say you would hope to review how things have gone at this point and make changes as necessary.

Mediation should come before court - your job now is to appear to be as reasonable as possible whilst promoting the best interests of your dc (which does not equal rolling over just because he says). If he refuses all contact but continues to be unpleasant, you then have your evidence for the next step. Likewise, log all visits, times of pick ups and drop offs so you have evidence if he messes you and dc about.

It's a pain but worth it. You're playing the long game now.

[EarthWindFire]

Contact needs to be decided between the two of you either through mediation or if not court.

It shouldn't be you saying this is when you can see the DC or him saying this is when I am seeing them, it should be a compromise between the two of you as to the best interests of the children.

[SolidGoldBrass]

EWF: Not when the man is abusive. He's forfeited the right to reasonable treatment, so the OP should block and stonewall and ignore him as much as possible. It's a waste of time and effort to try negotiating reasonably with an unreasonable man: the thing to do is minimize contact with him.

[fifi669]

EOD is crazy! I don't think your suggestion is reasonable either though. One day with your child and a few hours extra at your ex's house? I'm sure you wouldn't be happy accepting that! Children need more than token gesture parents. While they're so small I'd be inclined to go for 2 set days with ex, 5 with you, to increase to roughly 50:50 as they get older.

I agree with others though, you need to organise your eork etc as a single parent, you can no longer rely on ex to help. He's demonstrating why!

[MsAnthropic]

My XH and I did alternating days with a 3 year old (3.5 years ago). It was right for our family and has worked out very well, although it's changed over time and is now every 3 days alternating. Even though I'm someone who thinks it can work, I really don't think it's suitable for you at all!

You need to be amicable to make it work, your DD is way too young (I'd say 3 is absolute minimum) and he must be able to take care of her on the mornings after she's stayed with him. He really is taking the piss and I would be inclined to tell him to go through court.

[DiaDuit]

I do know a separated couple who do mon, wed and Every other friday-sunday evening with dad and then tues, thurs and EOW with mum. However, DCs are 8 and 15 and there is actually lots of toing and froing between mum and dad's houses even on days they're supposed to be with the other for reasons like PE kit is at mum's or dad has to work late monday night or various other things. TBH the mum (i dont have contact with the dad) never actually knows where her DCs are going to be as it just doesnt run smoothly. I dont think it works for them.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

If DD2 is only 13months old then you are offering too much time, if you mean every weekend. I'm just going through court myself, and they prioritise stability for very young children. Your ex has to recognise it is not in her interests to not have a stable home life. The non-resident parent does have to lose out a bit whilst they are so small. As your ex is being so unreasonable, once you feel you have a bit of evidence of this I would refuse contact and tell him it has to go through mediation/court. In my case, my ex's response to this step gave me grounds for a non-molestation order. He was abusive, and yours is being so too. The emotional harm he is inflicting on DD1 is a serious issue that CAFCASS will take a dim view of as well. Hold your nerve, and do only what is right for both children. It's hard, but you can do it.

[MsAnthropic]

DiaDuit That just sounds like terrible organisation on their part. Our child generally has one, sometimes no, journeys between houses and hardly has to move stuff when he switches. If there are any emergencies of things at the wrong house, we wait until after bedtime and the other parent comes over with it. Just putting that out there, not for the OP because it's clearly not the right solution for them (or a lot of other families).

[DiaDuit]

it is terrible organisation but without wanting to go into too much detail it is very much out of the Mum's control and very much deliberate on the part of her ExH.

[King1982]

Can you put a plan in writing? Maybe try 50/50 and work it accommodate your shifts?