Should we separate? Please help...

[Aloneinabighouse]

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 12. We married quite young and waited for a while to have kids, so we have two young children (both under five).

Our relationship has had its ups and downs, as you'd expect. We had massive rows about eight years ago, with DH walking out for a while, counselling, and eventual reconciliation. Most of our issues stem from the fact that he is a complete workaholic, and even when home, is constantly on his blackberry checking e-mail, taking calls late into the evening (that sometimes seem to be just chatting to colleagues about what happened earlier in the day), and not particularly present mentally. I have resented this a lot as I emigrated to marry him, giving up my family and friends, and while I've built up my own network in the UK, I don't think he's ever really indicated that he appreciates the fact that I see my oldest and dearest friends every other year at best. He took a new job a month before our marriage that was really a lifestyle rather than employment (when he had his leaving drinks from that job, I had half joked that I wanted to make a speech and quote Princess Diana that "there were three of us in the marriage" while staring pointedly at his boss - not that there was anything physical/emotional between them, but, seriously, if DH had been a dog, and his boss and I had been calling from opposite sides of the room, DH probably would have run to boss).

We had a brief second honeymoon when he left that job, which was when we decided to have DCs. When I was heavily pregnant with DC2, though, he took on another new job, which went back to the very, very long hours, and also involved an optional month-long trip abroad that needed to happen when DC2 was around 10 weeks old (which he was clearly keen to take). I had crippling PND with DC2, and started on antidepressants when DC2 was about eight weeks old, but DH would not be dissuaded from his optional trip, and if I am honest, I have not felt the same about him since then. The job also meant that we had to cancel our summer holidays last year, as, although we had booked them months in advance, he was told that he was really needed on a work trip and so had to do that instead (our holiday was meant to be a really active, outdoorsy one, and I didn't feel that I could properly supervise two toddlers on my own).

About six months after I went back to work, DH was presented with a really amazing career opportunity that involved us moving halfway across the country. His pitch to me was that, as we would no longer be London-based, he would be home earlier in the evenings, so that, even though I would now be a SAHM (my career was very tied to London and our new location is not close enough to London to commute - and while I was reasonably successful, I was ambivalent about it post children as I was struggling to balance the demands of my job with my desire to see more of the children), I would be free in the evenings to do other things. He said that he would have to do some dinners / evenings out or away, and we agreed that three a month was a reasonable benchmark (he actually proposed one every other week, I said 3 / 4 a month would be OK). So I quit my job and moved to the deepest countryside.

We have now been here six months and he has averaged five nights away a month - not counting dinners, which he has retroactively "removed" from his monthly "nights away" quota. I had earmarked a couple of nights a week that I would have liked him to be home a bit early (like by 7...) so that I could have some interests outside the home, but despite his best intentions, it seems the minute I mention "I might like to do x on a Tuesday night", suddenly his Tuesdays become busy and unpredictable and I end up on my own in a house with sleeping children instead of doing things that might allow me to enjoy myself and make some friends.

About a month ago, I met someone with whom I felt an intense connection. I have found people attractive before in our marriage, but I have never felt an urge to act on the attraction the way I did with this new person. Although we had the beginnings of a really lovely friendship, I cut deeply back on contact, as I didn't trust myself not to do something foolish. I found myself having imaginary conversations with him about how unhappy my marriage is, and realised these were conversations I needed to have with DH, not with the new friend.

DH and I went out to dinner and I confessed that I have been regularly fantasizing about begging my boss for my old job back, getting a studio flat in London and coming back to visit the children at weekends. I couldn't bear seeing them so little, but being unemployed and feeling unemployable in this part of the country makes me feel like I am trapped in the house with DH.

We slept separately for a couple of weeks while we talked about options, and DH promised to consult more about being away, look in to getting me some help (both our families are very far away), and to think about the way he communicates his commitments to me - at the moment I feel like hired help: he gives me my "hours" at the beginning of the week and I just have to accept the schedule. We resumed sleeping in the same room, but I was still feeling very wary.

We are in the middle of a two-week trip away for him at the moment, and he phoned this morning to tell me that the two days he was planning to take off on his return have had to be cancelled for "very important" reasons. The thing is, there are always "very important" reasons. Always. Should I just quit trying and throw in the towel? I spent the day weeping - not because I felt that strongly about the two days, but because I felt strongly that they represented his commitment to try to consider my needs and feelings and to try to improve the way we communicate. Or should I just stick it out and hope things eventually get better as the kids get older and I have more options?

I'm just so mentally and physically exhausted right now that I can't think straight...

[Handywoman]

Oh my goodness, poor you. Here's some clarity: you are very low on his priority list.

Should you separate? In my opinion you have two choices: put up with being treated like the hired help for the rest of your life, or leave and see if this gives him a wake-up call (and frankly a break from this headfuckery). You sound switched on and strong, you have 'given' enough.

Can you stay with friends and just gain some headspace and RL support?

[InTheNorth123]

He cares more about himself and his work than he does about you or the DCs I'm afraid.

I'd leave for good. I wouldn't bother doing a trial separation to make him 'realise' because he doesn't seem to care. Sorry OP, he sounds really selfish.

[InTheNorth123]

Can you go home for a while to see your family and friends?

[veryseriousgirl]

Handywoman, thank you so much for replying. We were due to go on holiday together with the children the first two weeks in August, but I told him this evening that I don't plan to join him for at least the first week and possibly for the whole holiday. That gives me at least one, and maybe two weeks to try to clear my head. Part of me feels really guilty about not being with the children, but I just need some space... I don't know what we'll do after.

[Handywoman]

Good idea OP. Did he ask why when you told him????

[Aloneinabighouse]

Whoops. Sorry. Namechange fail above.

IntheNorth, visiting home is difficult as it's a very long flight. I've already done it once this year with the children and honestly, if anything, DS is more active and harder to get to sit still now than he was six months ago... I have been facetiming and skyping a lot more than normal, and we've been doing a lot of visits to friends around England for the last couple of weeks so I don't have time to brood.

[Aloneinabighouse]

He did and his first reaction was that I am trying to punish him. I explained that I needed space and he told me he hoped I'd change my mind as he didn't know what he'd tell PIL (who we were due to be visiting).

[Handywoman]

Even when you tell him of your distress he is still thinking 'me me me'

Awful. Stop thinking about his agenda. Time to think about yourself.

[inlectorecumbit]

Tel him to tell his DP's the truth.
You are wanting space to decide if you want to continue being married as you are so unimportant and low down in his priorities-you feel you would be better of apart.

He is a selfish arse

[areyoumymother]

It sounds dreadful. Have you considered couples therapy? It sounds like you don't get a chance to hear what he's really thinking because there is never any time. At least he would be making a huge time commitment once a week and you would feel he was at least turning up to discuss the way forward with some respect.

[Vijac]

I'm not sure what if do, I think it depends how well you get on together, what's he's like as a father etc. But if you stay together then I think you need to take your life info your own hands and get a reliable babysitter to cover regular nights out /activities for you. All his work should pay for this! Otherwise you have very limited opportunity for you time/time chatting with adults, which I think is very important.

[dolicapax]

I was married to a man like this. It was no life. Everything was about him, his career, his hobbies, his friends, his family, his cars.... like you I felt like unpaid unappreciated hired help.

My advice would be to first get your career on track. If you are to separate it will be much easier for you if you have a career and an income, as you will need the structure a job will add to your life as much as the money. His earnings should be for the whole family, and child care falls under that bracket.

I think leaving him on his own with the kids for the holiday is a vey good idea. I can bet he'll cancel it, or take the PIL along to do the childcare, but however he chooses to manage it will be a wake up call for him as this is what he does to you every single week. You may be their mum but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to have some me time, same as their dad has. Don't feel guilty about it. Mums do a fine line in guilty, putting themselves last all the time.

Whether you guys make a go of it is up to you, but whatever your choice you need to start building up your independence again, so that if you do decide to go it alone you are not left high and dry.

My marriage worked out in the end, so things can turn around, but it was a long and unpleasant route and if I lived my live again I would leave DH in the early years when he was being an bastard rather than live through it. No DH is better than one who is a drain on your emotions and a barrier to you having your own life.

[Squidstirfry]

Could you organise childcare some evenings so you are able to go out and do things?

It's not right that he constantly puts himself first, he sees you and the children and some sort of 'hindrance' to his career, and lifestyle.

You need to think about your self too.

[Aloneinabighouse]

Thanks for responding, and sorry I haven't been back. Making it through the end of the trip has felt like an epic struggle and has taken all of my energy.

I feel in some ways, I haven't been fair and have omitted the good things he does. When he is home, he is very hands-on with the children, and they adore him. He has a go at housework sometimes, especially when given precise instructions... He tells me he loves me and can't imagine life without me, but maybe that's because he'd have to hire a nanny (and a cook, and a housekeeper, and a dog walker, and a PA).

But then today, the first day of cancelled leave, the kids were weeping that he had to go in to work, I was trying to hold it together, they were in a foul mood all day, despite my best efforts at having put together a really fun day (dino museum, ice cream in the park, etc). He promised he'd be home for four, then with no texts, calls, or anything, turned up at six, totally ready for a fight with me. I left the room to take some deep breaths and I just feel like I just can't any more. I feel like he just tells me what he thinks I want to hear and then does what he was going to do anyway.

areyoumymother we went to couples therapy several years ago (before children), and I hated it. It felt to me that our therapist spent the entire time telling me I was unreasonable for wanting him to spend the occasional evening with me (not on the phone). I realise that we'd have a different therapist now, but it made me feel very defensive and nervous about the process. There is also the matter of him turning up, which would not be guaranteed...

dolicapax I sometimes wish I had just let him go when he walked out before children. Things would have been so much simpler then.

squid and vijax, we have an au pair (who we can't really afford, but I seriously need help) coming at the end of August. She'll do a couple of nights babysitting a week, plus some childcare during the day, during which I hope to do some studying to requalify / update my skill set to do something different from career part 1.

Three days to go until he goes on holiday.