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Relationships

Heavily pregnant and husband refuses to discuss

39 replies

Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 16:40

I'm at my wits end and need some advice as to how to handle this situation.
I am 41 and currently 37 weeks pregnant.
My husband and I have been together 20 years and have always had a good marriage. We have two funny girls (7&10) and we have worked hard with our own businesses to make a good life or ourselves.
In October 2012 we found out we were expecting baby no3. I was shocked but had always assumed and hoped we would have 3. DH completely lost the plot, he told me it was the worst day of his life and it reminded him of how he felt when he lost his father.
He refused to sleep in our room and became depressed. I told him that I would look into having a termination as I was stunned by his reaction.
We went to a clinic, even after my GP advised me against a termination, and I agreed to terminate my pregnancy at 5 weeks.
I was overwhelmed by the feeling of guilt that he put on me, and stunned by his reaction that I put his feelings enforce my own. A decision I will forever regret.
I slipped into a depression, I didn't want my own daughters around me, and I shut myself off.
We had long talks and he told me that he never realised that I would be affected the way I was. He said he regretted what I had done & that we should try again.
I then had four miscarriages. Each time becoming lower and lower. I ended up having to go on medication as I couldn't come to terms with the guilt and hate of myself that I felt or the termination.
DH was unable to talk to me about what I was going through.
I plodded along for 6months on medication and was ok.
In November I found out I was expecting again..told DH..not happy.
However I was happy and felt this little one would stick around.
He/she has.
In March my dad, who I am very close too, was diagnosed with cancer and I have been helping him get through his gruelling chemo since then. It's been heartbreaking. DH has been supportive throughout my dads illness but he cannot discuss this baby with me.
I am an emotional wreck, I'm exhausted, and incredibly lonely. I may have this aby at anytime but te burden of the guilt I am carrying from DH is immense.
He says he wants to be at the delivery but I cant see why? He won't discuss the baby, names, anything.
I am so down at the moment after such a stressful pregnancy that I already feel I can't cope.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a hammering for this post...as as I read it back I just think how awful it reads... I'm just not sure how to deal with the delivery, and the hurt and the shame that I'm feeling.
I am not a weak person usually but I just feel so low at mo.

Ps my girls are completely over the moon about the new baby and that does make me very happy.

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Lookingforabetteryear · 27/07/2014 16:47

I am so so sorry you feel this way. My ex partner did this too. Claimed he couldn't cope/ was too stressed to talk about baby/ feel baby move. I was devestated so I went to live with family who helped me prepare and celebrate pregnancy. Please look into having a doula? Try to get everything ready. Make it exciting for yourself- a nursery/ pram etc. he cannot ignore baby ones it's here.

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inlectorecumbit · 27/07/2014 16:48

congratulations on your imminent arrival Smile
This should now be about what you want and not what he wants. Do you want someone at your delivery who is so unsupportive and communicative about this pregnancy?

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PoshPenny · 27/07/2014 16:55

I think you need to think hard about having a Plan B. Your husband appears to be in denial and you can't be sure when he's going to face up to the reality. have you got a friend you can call on to take you to hospital and be your birth supporter? might be helpful anyway as he can then stay home and look after your older children. I think a lot of women would be only to happy to support you if you asked them.
YOU can choose the name and deal with the practicalities of it all if he refuses to be drawn into this. I hope he softens especially once the baby is born, hopefully he will. I wish you lots of luck however this all works out for you, and Finally, I would just like to say I totally understand WHY you had such a strong need for a third child after the termination. You have been very brave and I hope it all goes well and works out for you. Thanks. all you can do for now is get your baby born healthy and well and then plenty of time to work out what happens afterwards dependent on what your husband does

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Diorella · 27/07/2014 16:55

Well, I think you should take him out of the equation.

You have a lot in your life, your daughters and your new baby! congratulations by the way, you could be in labour v soon.

Honestly, if it's not what he wants (and he's made that so clear) then don't spend the next decade feeling apologetic for having brought his child in to the world. I would tell him he's free to go.

You're definitely not weak by the way. What you describe sounds very stressful and draining and upsetting, and you're getting through it and your daughters are happy so well done.

Your family can be happy without him.

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2014 16:57

Your husband feels no connection with this baby. That is almost incomprehensible to us who have carried children but it happens to more men than will admit it. If you want him there have him at the delivery but I would suggest having somebody else there for support for you. He need to get his head straight and work at loving his child. You don't need to do that. What you need to do is let go of the guilt about the termination. You made the best choice you could at the time. The miscarriages you had after that were due to a physical cause. You were not being punished. You have nothing to be punished for. I am assuming you do want to stay married? If that is the case then enjoy having your baby, enjoy the sight of your girls with the new baby and wait for your dh to grow in to being father of three. If he doesn't you have hard choices to make but I suspect he will. For all your family both he and you need to look forward not back.

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kaykayblue · 27/07/2014 17:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable. He needs a slap - why is he being such a twat about the pregnancy? I am genuinely surprised that your marriage survived the termination.

He seems to be making no sense whatsoever.

Can you take a break and just get some space? I'm not saying leave the relationship, but being around him right now is probably causing you so much stress.

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Diorella · 27/07/2014 17:07

Even if he suddenly develops a connection to the baby after its born it still doesn't excuse the fact that he was so cruel to his wife during this pregnancy (knowing that he'd persuaded her to have a termination the last time as well). A little bit of kindness and acceptance could have made an unexpected situation less terrible all around.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 17:25

inlectorecumbit thank you I just want to someone to be with me that will be happy. It's a c-section so it's worrying as it is x

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ravenmum · 27/07/2014 17:26

You can't deal with your husband's problems as a) you don't know what they are and b) you've got enough on your plate right now. Your husband is going to have to take a big chunk of the initiative when it comes to sorting out your relatinship. He can't do this (apparently) on his own, so how about packing him off to some serious counselling for his mysterious issues toot sweet? If you haven't clearly said in simple language what specific behaviour is making you feel what specific way, now is the time to do so, to persuade him to get himself sorted out.

Maybe he has some shameful guilt complex or whatever about his father that he is unable to even put in words, admit or understand himself. An expert might be able to work out what is going on. Don't assume that this is because of something you have said or done. If he can't talk about it, it could be something you have no clue about. If you have some little voice in the back of your head telling you that he is probably acting like this because you have done something wrong, tell that little voice to shut up, as it might be drowning out and diverting your attention away from the actual problem.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 17:28

poshpenny thank you I needed someone to say that to me re needing no 3. I'm not sure i will ever get over what I did as I did want it so much. I just was terrified of inflicting misery on him.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 17:31

ravenmum that is exactly it...I feel that everything is my fault. That this baby will ruin his life.
And I want this baby so much..as do my girls..and I want to not feel guilty for feeling that.
I want to be happy I want to be allowed to be happy. I want my dad to be well and and to have a healthy baby with a happy mummy x

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StandsOnGoldenSands · 27/07/2014 17:35

Hi, hewhodares, it sounds as though you would really benefit from some post abortion counselling. It is available even long afterwards, do contact BPAS for example and they should be able to signpost you.

Good luck for your baby, I echo what someone said above about considering a doula. Sounds as though your husband has renounced any right he might have had to have a preference about the birth, names, anything.
He sounds like a bit of a shit to be honest. Sorry.

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Viviennemary · 27/07/2014 17:37

I think a few men can be distant from a baby until it actually arrives. I don't think it's such a reality for some men till the baby is actually born. Hope things work out well.

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ravenmum · 27/07/2014 17:46

Hewhodares, he encouraged you to try for another baby. Sure, it is because you were so sad. But if he decided that making you happy was important, and told you to do something that would make you happy, that was his decision. He decided you should have a baby. You did not put a gun to his head. If he made that decision but felt he was only doing it under pressure, that is a weakness on his part; something that he did wrong. Regretting his decision and saying he only did it because you made him would be a cowardly, unpleasant thing to do. If that is even what he is doing; you don't actually know what his problem is. As I say, that might not be the problem at all; your guilt might be leading you up the wrong path.

You telling him how you felt and saying what you wanted was not a bad thing to do.

Having children is a nice thing; why would he compare it to his father's death? He clearly has some complicated issues you do not understand. You don't know why he has a problem with having a child, so you can't deal with that problem. He needs to sort it out, maybe with expert help.

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LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/07/2014 17:46

He is behaving horrendously, you poor poor thing. He basically bullied you into a termination and is now refusing to acknowledge your pregnancy. This should be a happy time for you, something positive to focus on despite your fathers illness, but he has spoilt it for you.

I would honestly be asking him to leave.

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2014 17:54

I think we should be cautious in urging the OP to dump the man atm. Yes he's behaving badly but I don't get the sense from the OP that she wants to end the marriage as such? They are approaching two years since the termination and a lot has happened since. In particular I note that the husband has been supportive of the OP in dealing with her father's illness.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 18:01

northernlurker your correct. He is a good man and we had a brilliant marriage prior to this. I'm just very tired of the guilt and lonely pregnancy.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 18:05

viviennemary I hope your right. He was a little disappointed when he found out about DD2 (despite her being planned) and he loves her.

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Topseyt · 27/07/2014 18:06

He made you feel you had little choice but to have the termination, but it didn't seem to occur to him that it would have any effect on you at all.

He then (probably feeling very guilty and sheepish) suggested that you could try again, which you did, but unfortunately encountered the miscarriages before this successful pregnancy (congratulations by the way).

He should now be acknowledging the impending arrival of his child instead of trying to ignore the situation. I can certainly see why you are very hurt by all of this, and I would say he is being a dick.

Was his father's death recent or a long time ago? Has he ever managed to deal with it properly? I actually fail to see why he equates the arrival of another child with the death of one of his parents, unless he is just meaning in a cack-handed way that he is sad that his father won't be around to meet the new arrival.

He may need some professional help, but will he accept it? I do hope he gets his act together once the baby is born, at the very least.

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WitchWay · 27/07/2014 18:11

Perhaps after the miscarriages he's terrified something will go badly wrong even at this late stage, which is possible, sadly, but fortunately not likely. Maybe that fear is preventing his accepting the baby as "real" till it is properly here.

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Topseyt · 27/07/2014 18:17

Witchway could have a point, though he is still being cack-handed over it all.

I remember from personal experience that the pregnancy following a miscarriage can be scary. I didn't let myself really relax or begin to believe my daughter could be real until well after I had actually given birth to her. Perhaps some men do have a similar reaction, even though they would rarely admit it.

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Hewhodares · 27/07/2014 18:19

Topseyt I sadly, and still disbelievingly, don't think he gave me a thought in his 'despair'. I think he was so freaked out that he just wanted me to terminate as quickly as I could.

I think your right in that it was guilt that made him suggest to try again.
His dad died 25years ago and it left him devastated.

I'm just so tired of it all x thank you for our kind words x

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2014 18:21

I suspect your husband is struggling with his mortality OP. We all do that and the death or illness of older loved ones is a prime trigger. In his case though it sounds like a pregnancy had that impact on him too. Perhaps he was worried he was too old to be a good dad? Who knows. I believe he is a good man and I reckon he's probably feeling guilt and all sorts of mixed up feelings about this situation. He needs to pull it together though or he will lose you. Have you actually told him you feel wretched? I wonder if suggesting somebody else be a birth partner as well might be a way in to that conversation. When he says why you can tell him that it is clear he is struggling and you're having major surgery. You need to be with somebody focused on you.

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superstarheartbreaker · 27/07/2014 18:23

He hasn't been just distant though has he? He's been a complete an utter arse bag and completely detached from YOU too.

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2014 18:24

Sorry x posted - his dad died 25 years ago? So he wasn't that much older than your kids when he lost him? A teen/young adult? I think that is more at the root of this than you'd expect. He lost his dad young, he doesn't want to put his kids through that, probably fears it more than anything - so a new baby isn't a source of pleasure. It's another child he has to worry about leaving.

Oh op - I feel for you but I really feel for him too. Tough times.

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