No dignatey left!!

[Butterflygp]

Help!!! I've been separated from my ex husband for 2 years. We have two DD aged 3,5. It wasn't a good separation he left as he "wasn't in love with me". I forgave him for a few things in our marriage like finding out he had put him self on a sex website with nude pictures of himself. He called him self "throbbing hood!' Our baby was 6 months at the time. Anyway he left and I tried to piece my life back together, I'm 25 and from the uk. With only my mum here who also has small children.

I've done everything from group meetings to single concerling, and thought I was finally moving on from still feeling in love with him.

2 months ago his girlfriend the one he left me for dumped him, this saw him change from not even speaking to me to wanting to be my new best mate!. I got sucked in and spilled to him that I was still in love and wanted him back. His answer? I got rejected again.

This man father of my dd makes me feel like I'm not worth him, I feel like shit. My friends and family all think I'm crazy, after all how could you still love someone who cheated emotionally broke you? What's wrong with me? I practilly throw my self at him and his not interested. I constantly feel jealous his already dating every weekend. I feel like a complete fool.

Not sure if this is relevant but as far as I know I'm normal! Have lots of friends outgoing. But I feel as if I'm trapped by these feelings for him, will they stop? Why do I feel them? Is there somthing wrong with me? I just can't go on feeling this way. It's destroying my life and making me feel I'll be unhappy and alone forever.

Please help!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's not a crime to be lonely and desperate for affection. It's not a crime to have low self-esteem and lower your standards. It's not a crime to want to 'win' the beauty contest against the OW in an attempt to prove you're still attractive. It's not a crime to think yourself in love. Whatever's driving the behaviour, we've all made a few mistakes going after people who are bad for us. Recognise which one is driving your behaviour and understand.

I think you're going to have to make a bigger effort, like the song said, to 'Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair'. Means limiting contact to the bare minimum so that he can't be your 'best mate' - ever. Means making a big list of the crap he has showered on your head - especially the latest rejection - and referring to it regularly. Means listening to your friends and asking them to support you in staying away. I also think that, in your case, you're one of those people who needs to have a partner in order to feel worthwhile .... and that's a weakness others can exploit. So work on your self-esteem, build your confidence and do your level best to make the most of your independence. Even consider making a fresh start in another town if that's what it takes to make the break with the past.

Good luck

[inlectorecumbit]

It's not you--it's him. He does not want the responsibility of a wife and children 24/7.
You are so much better and have so much more than him. you have your integrity and the love of 2 small DC's who you will see grow up into adulthood. He will always have the reputation of being a cheat and a man who left his family and will not have the daily kisses and cuddles from his DC's.
Yes it is hard work but you have been doing a great job so far.
Let's face it-you don't really want this man back. Yes you would like your family back and the man who you thought he was back. That man does not exist-if he ever did. But you and your DC's are a wee family together.
You are young will lots of time to find yourself a partner who truly loves you. Stop being his friend--he is certainly not your friend. Discuss only issues relating to DC's. You are not interested in his social life or dating history. It may be better if someone else did the handovers so you dont have to see him and give yourself some time to heal

[magoria]

There was nothing wrong in you thinking and asking if you could try again.

However now you know the answer.

You have not lost you dignity.

Learn from it. Realise it is not going to happen and find a way to move on. Less contact and less friendly until you have moved on.

You will only lose you dignity if you carry on trying to get him to try again.

[bluebell345]

maybe you are not in love with him and only want to be a family with a good man and your children.
maybe that idea prevents you to see him as who he is.
if there was somebody else, a good man around, would you still choose him?

[Butterflygp]

Thank you do much for all you're replies I'm in tears! But feels so good to let it out. I've wasted two years feeling this way! I have just spoke with my mum who has offered to do drop offs pick ups. And told exH that I won't be anymore for a while. His response is oh I thought we were making a effort to be friends? For the kids?.

Bluebell.. I think you're right no I wouldn't I guess I have been with this man since 18 years old and don't even know what a heathy relationship is? He has made me feel as if he can get any women possible and that no one wants me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He is not making an effort to be 'friends for the kids'. He is stringing you along when he's between shags. So well done for getting your DM to do the pick-ups, stop engaging now, choose your friends very carefully and keep reminding yourself what a shit he is. Takes time but you'll get there, don't worry.

[Butterflygp]

He doesn't even want me for that!! He just doesn't want me full stop. I think he keeps me close because he uses me. Ie I'm playing football today can I drop the kids off early? I don't have my car today will you pick them up from here?, the list is endless. After I txt saying DM was going to do drop offs he said, " ok if you think that's best I'm sorry you're a lovely woman but I'm not the man for you I want only the best for you" he's nice words only make getting over him harder. ??

[AdoraBell]

Those words sound like bullshit to me. If he really wanted the best for you he wouldn't have been on that website. He also wouldn't be messing around with seeing his children. Which is more important to a parent, their child or a game of football?

Getting your DM to do hand overs is a fantastic idea, well done. Keep keeping him at a safe distance and think about you. What makes you happy? What do you need out of life right now? Do you have a job, do you want to study? Enlist and accept the help of friends and relatives in supporting you.

It might help to make a list of people who's behaviour towards you demonstrates their love for you. I bet your DCs and DM will be at the top, people who cheat, lie and use you probably right down at the bottom, on the second page.

[springydaffs]

What a total shit to play with your emotions like that.

He's not as 'nice' as he appears. He's horrible and you're well rid. That comment about 'friends for the sake of the kids' was bullshit - he wants to be 'friends' to get you to dance to his tune.

Well done for taking steps to get him out of your head/heart/hair. It's like an addiction and you have to go cold turkey. Drastically blank any communication from him, you have to get away from the shit. Xxx

[Butterflygp]

Kids in bed... Washing cleaning done read a mag. Feel so alone I hate feeling this way, times like this make me do stupid things like txt my exH even when I know he doesn't want me. His like my addiction my drug I can't get him out of my head!!! It's been two years! What's bloody wrong with me?????

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What's wrong is that your life is dull. If your time is occupied with domestic chores and magazines, you're going to get bored. That's when sending him a text seems like a good idea. I'm a lone parent and I know it's tough to carve out a life solo when you've been used to being a couple, but it's important to think what you can do to fill your days with interesting things, people, places to be etc. The less down time you give yourself, the less you'll feel like getting in touch with someone that's only going to make you feel rotten

Instead of reading a mag, why not pick up the phone to a friend?

[Jan45]

I too think if your life was more fulfilling you'd be less reliant on a person who just constantly lets you down, he wont change, he's made it pretty clear so why you are hanging on I don't really know.

Why, for instance, are you not dating?

[Butterflygp]

That's the thing I do stuff all the time I get invited to everything I hang out with friends I love my job. I do kid stuff when I'm with DD, it's just when I have the DD and evening comes and I stop I think oh.

And yes have dated, some good some bad, I guess they just seem never right? Prahaps I don't even give them a fair chance?, because I had that glimmer of hope?. Well that's gone now!.

I'm fine when being with people but I've always hated being alone even from a young teen, it's something I know I have to work on.

Sometimes the responablty makes me scared, 25 and two DD, how comes he gets to be like I don't want a family 24/7 now I'm off?. I don't even know it I truly want him, to be honest his familiar to me I'm still attracted to him. Which I hate. I guess sometimes my fear of being along forever makes my common sense go right out the window.

[knowledgeispower]

Do not fear being alone forever. I have been treated badly by exes but not in the way you describe. I'm in my early thirties and a single parent so I get your resentment and loneliness.

You have done so well getting your mum to do the drop off/pick ups. You will feel better - It will not happen overnight but it will happen.

[springydaffs]

Perhaps get some counselling sorted to work out why you can't bear being alone, to the point that you'd take this slimeball back to avoid it. Something's not right, as you say, and you're going to have to do a bit of detective work to find out what it is.

I suggest you go to eg women's orgs rather than going through your GP, where you can get cheap counselling that takes as long as it takes, there won't be any rush. GPs don't offer counselling anyway any more (not my way, anyway) and even if they do it's only for 6 weeks which isn't enough. There will be a reason why you can't bear being on your own and it's a case of finding out what it is.

[springydaffs]

Most people find being alone a bit if a challenge btw, so you're not that unusual. Just that if it's so strong you'd rather be with this 'man' than be alone then something's not right. Sorry, repeating myself xx

[Butterflygp]

Thank you all.

After telling him no contact unless about the DD, I have felt better. Today he crashed his car after just getting it back as he lost it for a week after not paying fines. So I got a picture of the car saying sorry I can't pick the kids up tonight now. I just txt back saying ok. I felt a little heartless but I knew he was ok and no one got hurt. I just didn't want to engaged in conversation!. So a little bit later he ask me to call him when I got back from work so he could take to kids I just rang him and put him straight on to DD.

So many things keep happening to y

[Butterflygp]

Thank you all.

After telling him no contact unless about the DD, I have felt better. Today he crashed his car after just getting it back as he lost it for a week after not paying fines. So I got a picture of the car saying sorry I can't pick the kids up tonight now. I just txt back saying ok. I felt a little heartless but I knew he was ok and no one got hurt. I just didn't want to engaged in conversation!. So a little bit later he ask me to call him when I got back from work so he could take to kids I just rang him and put him straight on to DD.

So many things keep happening to him! But every time he puts it on me and off loads like I'm still his wife!

This is hard!

[Butterflygp]

So he could talk to DD.. Sorry don't know why the message posted twice!

[springydaffs]

You're not heartless! He's the one who is heartless! You're protecting yourself - he's not going to. He wants you simmering on the boil, regardless how agonising that is for you, or how it prevents you from moving in and kepps you in a tortuous limbo - he doesn't care.