Is it me or just the men I meet?

[mummytowillow]

I'm 45, single mum to 7 year old and don't really go out much.

I take care of myself, dress nicely, I've been told I'm attractive and I get on with most people.

So why do men just want a 'bunk' up with me? I'll give this example:

I met a guy last weekend, in a pub and was introduced by his sister who I know from a distance. She said he'd seen me, thought I was attractive so we got talking after she introduced us.

We spent most of the evening together and got on well. Came to end of night and both he and his sister thought I'd be taking him home with me

This was clearly a no but we'd already exchanged numbers before this. He has been in touch, and all the text messages mention is prowess in the bedroom. How he's a morning person and can I keep up!

I haven't even been on a date with this guy! I'm just so damn fed up of meeting guys like this.

I'm no prude and if I wanted to sleep with him on a 3rd date I would. But this assumption gets me down.

I don't go out much and I've been divorced and single for 5 years now. So am I expecting too much and is this what the dating scene is like now?

[CatKisser]

I bloody hate this too!
A few years ago when my self esteem was at it's lowest I'd have been thrilled someone found me so attractive
But now I find it mildly insulting when a man descends to that kind of text straight away. It doesn't exactly scream "wow you're a fascinating human being, I'd love to get to know you" does it?

[niceupthedance]

It's not just you. Most men I meet are similar. If you want to date you should tell him that, and that you're not interested in that kind of chat, especially before dtd. He will either respect that or disappear, in my experience.

[HumblePieMonster]

That's it. Everyone wants instant sex. I think the sister was a bit weird, trying to set her brother up like that.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you got talking in the pub what did you talk about? Was it very flirty and packed with innuendo or just a regular get-to-know-you conversation? I must admit, I have the opposite problem. Probably because (according to friends) I come across as rather 'proper' when I'm anything but!

[WildBillfemale]

My single friends have the same issues, I'd suggest one reply saying you have always enjoyed a really steamy downright filthy experimental sex life but only with the men who have taken the time to get to know you as a person through proper dating and conversation not tacky inuendo.

Then block and move on.

[beaglesaresweet]

people tend to assume that if you've been single for a while, esp a single mum (meaning you can't get out often), you MUST want to jump any man who is offering, if he's relatively attractive.
I wouldn't give him any lengthy explanations about what you might be into - just say, 'I must have given you the wrong idea', or 'I'm not interested in casual sex'. Sister is cheeky introducing you with a view of getting her brother some sex!

[MadeMan]

"I met a guy last weekend, in a pub..."

There's your answer; pubs and clubs are for bunk ups.

[Fairylea]

I have to agree with the previous poster that pubs and clubs now do tend to attract a certain type of single man looking for a quick shag or the type to send cock shot photos. Yuck.

I had a series of dating disasters before I met my now dh (previously been married twice with a young dd when I met dh)... I gave online dating a go with a VERY open mind (as in thinking it would be shit) and I blocked and deleted ruthlessly before I started chatting to dh.

We are now married and have a toddler son. He said he found the same thing - lots of people just wanting sex and nothing else. We're not particularly old either - both early 30s.

I think it's best just to be upfront about wanting to take things slowly and date and develop a relationship. Anyone who doesn't appreciate that isn't worth the time of day in my opinion.

(Not saying there's anything wrong with casual sex by the way, just not my thing!)

[beaglesaresweet]

really, MadMan? she hasn't invited him to stay, so now he is still sex-texting when sober and out of the pub.
Also it's ridiculous to suggest that a local pub where you know people, rather than deliberately finding a random place with the purpose, are for bunk ups! they are sociable places where single/married locals go to socialise with people they know, and they only places in villages where a single local woman can go and spend an evening without feeling odd.

[beaglesaresweet]

MadeMan

[TillyWithercoat]

I don't get this either yet I'm bloody gorgeous Think I'm like Cog in that I come over as quite prim and a bit snooty.

[hamptoncourt]

I am another one who comes across as prim and snooty when actually I would love a quick shag so this doesn't happen to me.

It doesn't sound like this is your fault OP unless you are overly flirty when you have been drinking perhaps and are giving out a wrong impression?

I am sure there are lovely men out there who wouldn't behave like this so don't let it put you off if you are up for a new relationship.

Good luck.

[Corygal]

I sympathise entirely and when it's happened to me, it drives me nuts. Single, 40-something, and people think you're desperate. Well I'm not, as it happens, and I'd have to pretty bowled over (Keanu) to have a one-nighter.

Cheer up, better men exist - so I am told.

[mummytowillow]

About the pub thing, I'd gone to a special do for a friend who lives abroad.

He had gone with his sister who is friends with my friend. I know her but not well.

It definitely wasn't an 'on' the pull night for sure. I was surprised I actually met someone, shame he's an idiot!

I think I'll just give up

[Wrapdress]

I have plenty of very Hot to Trot female friends - same age range - and they are just looking for shags too. So, my thought is these men are trying to find those particular women. They are casting wide nets and insulting other women while they do it. My Hot to Trot female friends love all this talking dirty stuff and exchanging dirty photos and instant sex, etc.

[pinkfrocks]

Without being a fly on the wall, no one knows 'if it's you'.
If the chat is flirty or very superficial, it may give the impression you want sex. Some men are just chancers, but they maybe also have some success or they wouldn't continue to behave like that. So- it's probably him, but have a think over how you behave and the level of conversation when you meet someone new. I'm not saying you did anything wrong, but if you ( or any woman) is all giggly and flirty then some guys take it as a come on, even though it isn't or shouldn't be seen as that.

[HanselandGretel]

He sounds immature, sending those sort of texts with no lead up or encouragement after a quick meet the weekend before. Turn off.

[equinox]

I think this instant gratification approach to dating has become very widespread owing to the impact of internet dating and the internet in general - even if you meet somebody in a pub - the impact of this in the media appears to have filtered through everywhere these days.

As for guys assuming as we are single parents we must be gagging for sex you would be absolutely right on that. It has long been assumed that we should be grateful for any attention we are getting. You would be surprised how many women who are married also seem to adopt this view about us too, that we should just jump at the chance of some attention!!

Not sure why that is though! It is right annoying.

[lavenderhoney]

I wouldn't engage with him if he sent me texts like this. In fact, I would probably write back " Brian? Is that you? I think you've mixed me up with someone else as we have only just met"