DH has no sex drive - can't believe I didn't realise

blox · 2014-07-27 01:02:09

I'm 42, he's 40. We've been married 7 years with 2 DC. I just thought we were too tired for a sex life. For the last couple of years I have had this low level of resentment towards him, getting irritated by things he does or says, criticising him, suggesting ways he can change. I hate myself for it, I feel like I've turned into a horrible person. He's so laid back and supportive, a good provider and great with the kids. It dawned on me just this week that I have ALWAYS instigated sex. In our early days he explained he was very tired on a night and ready in the morning when I was tired (rubbish). We did it 3 times on our honeymoon then after the second 'week of hell' (his joke for the time we were trying to conceive) we weren't intimate for 2 years, nothing. I have enjoyed fantastic sex with past boyfriends and keep dreaming about them. We went to relate last year and he said if I was more affectionate it would lead to sex but I had started unconsciously flinching when he touched me so that was hard (don't think he noticed really) I didn't like him seeing me naked either, it felt weird. Now I can see (with relief) that all my behaviour probably resulted from his lack of libido, why would someone who loves me so much not desire me? The good thing is we talk and I can tell him the truth so I did. He said he is lazy and will change, he got his testosterone checked too. I explained I can't have sex with him without feeling he is reluctant but he swears he likes sex. I had to explain that to most people it's a carnal need. I couldn't bear damaging my kids, abandoning him and being on my own, not to mention financial hardships. I feel trapped. I have bipolar disorder and he is amazingly supportive when I'm unwell, that's when we get on the best. Outside that it's like I'm pretending happy families which is very stressful. I'm going to see a counsellor by myself in a couple of days as I can't stop crying. DH says he will change so I respect and admire him and we'll work from that. I told him I can't change him and anyway it would probably revert back to this over and over again but he got cross at me predicting his future. We're going to do counselling together again. He wants to save this and will do anything I ask. I love him like a brother, can we turn this around and have a fulfilling marriage? Sorry so long!!

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