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Relationships

Ex on dating site - hand holding please

49 replies

lostandconfused34 · 26/07/2014 23:26

Hand holding needed pleased as I feel shell shocked. Was with my ex for 4 years and I thought he was the one. Talked marriage, kids, everything. He got really distant a few months ago and I suspected he was seeing someone else. He denied it but I never found out for sure. Then he just cut contact and stopped meeting me, refused to talk things through. I never got any closure and I still feel a bit lost about it all. This only happened a month ago. It really hurt.

I just looked on a dating site (not to date anyone, just out of curiosity as some friends have been talking about it. I don't even have a photo on there) and saw my ex on there. It made me feel sick.

His profile is full of pictures that I took of him, lifted from my Facebook. He talks about how he's a genuine guy, quick witted, fun etc. As I was reading it, I felt so angry. He treated me like crap in that last month. Made me feel unwanted, cheated, I'd wasted 3 years on someone who just saw me as an option. He has moved on so quickly, like I didn't exist and is on to some other poor girl, probably. He's all charm on there but when he was with me those last few months, he acted grumpy and bored, like he didn't want to be there. The opposite of his online persona.

Just feel upset and angry. Can't believe him. The other night I thought about texting him because I was actually bloody missing him. To him, it's like I didn't exist.

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sadwidow28 · 26/07/2014 23:47

Here to hold your hand.

He got really distant a few months ago and I suspected he was seeing someone else.

I suspect you have only found the tip of the ice-berg. What a lucky escape you have had!

Now is the time to go NC - delete number, facebook, email etc. You really don't want to check up on what he is doing because it takes up your thoughts and mind - and stops you from moving on.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 26/07/2014 23:47

I suspect he mentally detached himself from you rather longer ago than a few months. Some people are unable to leave one relationship until they have another all conveniently lined up. Others are naturally duplicitous and need more than one person hanging on their every word 24/7.

You're right to feel upset and angry but look at it his way: you've had a lucky escape from a Grade A arsehole. Really dodged a bullet there. Fortunate indeed to have got shot of him before you married and then found him on dating sites looking for secret shags behind your back.

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 00:27

He is the type to play games too. Texted me on my birthday to say he had a present for me, only to say he was busy, couldn't drop it off and it never materialised. I try NC and then he breaks it with a stupid text or something - for example, making up a birthday present to get me to reply! You're right, it is a lucky escape but it still hurts so much. I had a future with this man planned in my head and now I have to start again.

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 00:59

God, I've just re-read his profile and he's written "I've been single since February". That is a huge lie. We broke up at the end of June. It is actually like he has erased me from his life :(

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sadwidow28 · 27/07/2014 02:55

That is 'usual' for a game-player.

Can you focus on yourself? Are you ready to do that?

Go non-contact. Delete numbers, unfriend him on facebook - and other friends he is in contact with.

You didn't actually have a future with this man - you only THOUGHT you did. He is not the person you believed he was. You can't build a future with a 'game-player'. You wouldn't want to anyway would you?

Of course you are feeling terribly hurt because he is obliterating you from your past life together. He is a liar!

Non-contact means that YOU have to do it. If he is still able to text you to say he is bringing a present, then he has a way of communicating with you. You need to delete numbers and barr! You take control now - that will frustrate him when his texts and emails bounce back.

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FabULouse · 27/07/2014 05:33

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Minime85 · 27/07/2014 06:35

I agree go non contact. It was him who behaved in this way. You were right to trust in someone and believe in a future. In time it will be ok. You've had a lucky escape. I'd try and stop looking at his profile too as tempting as it may be.

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TillyWithercoat · 27/07/2014 15:54

My XDP disappeared after 8 yeras together - with hindsight there were some very minor warning signs, but his disappearance was completely out the blue. Days before he'd sent me a card and written in that I was the love of his life tosser

After checking he wasn't dead, I went NC - totally deleted him from my life.

6 months after I found his profile on POF - seems he's developed a liking for the theatre and Dorset tosser

Now 18 months on from his disappearance I take delight in seeing that his profile is still on POF.

I'm well rid - go NC, its the only way to move on - delete him completely. Block him; delete his email address/phone number/FB; never ask anyone about him; get on with your life.

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 16:46

Thanks for the advice. I have gone NC and deleted his Facebook.

As I was reading through his profile, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. His profile is just full of lies.

"I have been single since March" - lie

"I am looking for a nice girl to restore my faith" - implying I was some awful cow who left him feeling like crap, when really it was the other way around!

"I work full time and love travelling and going to new places in my free time" - is that why he would always refuse when I wanted to book a holiday and we only went on holiday once in 4 years? At weekends we would sit indoors bored, because he couldn't be bothered to go out.

Most of his interests are things that I liked and he tolerated. He's also been online for most of the day so is probably buttering up loads of poor unsuspecting women.

He is so convincing it's scary. If I read his profile and didn't know him, I'd come away with the impression that he's a genuine, interesting, fun person. Funny how he morphs into this grumpy, boring liar who doesn't want to do anything and is secretive about everything after about a year of being together. I suspect someone else will find that out.

He obviously didn't feel anything for me. That's why he's moved on so eagerly and so quickly and is no doubt using all the same tactics he used on me. Feel like such an idiot for trusting him.

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Pinkballoon · 27/07/2014 16:54

lostandconfused
Mine was on Guardian Soulmates claiming that he'd been 'independent for the past few years.' Er, really? - we'd been with each other for 4 years and had a child at the time. Also, admitted to his two children from his first marriage, but not to our child. I pity the poor women who responded to that. These men are full of …t. The difficulty that both of these men will have is when all of their lies are uncovered by the next woman (and they will be) - and then they'll be back on their dating sites again!

His birthday text was to keep you warm incase the ones on the dating sites don't work out. Thats why he didn't actually finish the relationship properly with you - so he can just pop back up! Agree with others about just going NC.

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Mum4Fergus · 27/07/2014 17:02

Feel for you OP, x left DS and I at Easter after 7 years and he's on a couple of sites. Was physically sick first time I saw it...like yours, profile is a pile of crap Hmm

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TheCunkOfPhilomena · 27/07/2014 17:49

Another one that understands how you feel lostandconfused. XP never stopped using date sites during our relationship (I obviously didn't know) and after we had split I found him on one and he was using photos I had taken of him from my FB profile. It's not nice at all x

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 17:54

It helps to have people who know how I'm feeling. He is also using photos that I took of him that have been lifted from my Facebook (before I deleted him) so that makes me feel angrier.

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TheCunkOfPhilomena · 27/07/2014 17:59

I know it was very PA but when I saw him on the site I winked at him so he knew I had seen it. His profile was a load of rubbish too, he said he was a morning person; he was practically Rip Van Winkle.

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minmooch · 27/07/2014 18:07

I've seen my ex-h on a dating site. In my view he came over as a complete w*er and I roared with laughter. I knew it was all a load of rubbish and it won't take long for others to find out. I showed my close RL friends too and they all laughed at him too.

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mumtosome61 · 27/07/2014 18:21

I'm sorry you're going through this - it's shitty and I can't begin to imagine what it must feel like. I had an ex who routinely courted and met girls off an online site when we were together, but we were not together very long ourselves. It's still a massive let down - he had sung praises about himself and was very genuine when we met, only to completely obliterate any notion of being a 'genuine guy' within about five months.

The thing is (and it's not much consolation right now when you are understandably going through a range of emotions, I know) his Walter Mitty portrayal of himself eventually gets found out; it always does. He can say he likes XYZ, claims to be single since whenever, but come the time he meets family, friends, relatives or spends time alone with his next source of prey, they will soon come to realise he is not some (if all) the things he claims to be. Some women may be prepared to put up with it with the lingering doubt in the back of their minds. Most won't, and will call him out on it.

Can only extend what others have said. NC - you can spend weeks/months/years (I spent a year trying to get closure on my ex, waste of fucking time and ten years on still don't really have answers) trying to find out his motives, his intentions, why, when, how - but ultimately, you dodged a massive bullet. It is easy to blame yourself or wonder what you did that caused it, DON'T - some people are just like this; I don't know why, and I don't know how.

Lastly, my ex courted the same dating sites for years and years. He never found the "love of his life before 30" and the mortgage he massively craved for social status. I understand, through mutual friends, that he is now engaged to a woman he met six months before proposing, but that he has stopped seeing everyone (including his family) - his typical pattern of making sure she doesn't found out how he really is. God knows what will happen at the wedding Grin

Much hand holding Thanks xxx

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 18:45

I try to tell myself that it's better this way as it would have been awful to have actually got married then find out he was on dating sites and cheating. I can't believe I was considering contacting him to talk things through just the other day. This has really opened my eyes. However it does hurt to think of him chatting to other girls now as if nothing has happened.

mumtosome61 sorry to hear about your experience. I'm glad you feel better now without him, I am starting to feel like that already.

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flumperoo · 27/07/2014 19:29

This might be a useful read, incase your resolve to remain NC wanes at all...

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/the-no-contact-rule/

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hell2theno · 27/07/2014 20:32

If it helps OP, my ex used photos I'd taken of him on his profile while we were still together. I discovered his profile by accident. That really was a smack in the face!

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 20:54

Oh my god he's just added this to his profile:

"Looking for someone who has time for that special someone in my life. Was with my ex 3 years and she just seemed to make less and less time for me and didn't really put the effort in to keep it going. So here I am!"

I am livid. I feel like going to his house and throwing my laptop through his window. Lying shit bag.

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 27/07/2014 21:27

Oh my god did he really put that?! If I saw a guy on a dating site cussing off his ex I would block him. Arse.

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lostandconfused34 · 27/07/2014 21:31

I can't believe he's telling people that. When i think back to how hard I tried with him, how many times I asked to meet up and sort things out, how I made time for him constantly despite being busy with work...it takes the piss. Fair enough if you want to say you broke up and have just come out of a LTR but don't badmouth the other person. At least it hopefully reveals his horrible personality.

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HanselandGretel · 27/07/2014 21:32

I think there should be an 'expose as a pile of shit' button on dating sites to out these lying chancers. I had an ex who put two profiles on gumtree of all places within a week of dumping me silently after an argument.

As someone else said, they have already checked out emotionally under the surface for a while before the ship is abandoned, but not before they line someone else up or set the wheels in motion, they are incapable of being on their own.

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 27/07/2014 21:53

Shows his true colours putting that. It's like he knows you're looking at it, weird

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smilingeyes79 · 27/07/2014 22:01

Does he maybe know you have seen his profile and is getting a dig in ?

Ignore, NC and feck him .... be thankful it ended when it did x

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