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Relationships

Please tell me I've done the right thing.

12 replies

Overflowingashtray · 26/07/2014 21:17

Have NC for this. I had and ended a horrible 10 year marriage to serial adulterer/liar/emotional abuser and we have 2 gorgeous DC, primary age. I left him 2 years ago and I have really enjoyed being free and single and not short of offers of dates etc. 3 months ago I met a great guy - successful, intelligent, great company, similar values etc. His marriage ended years ago, he has 2 kids he sees a lot of. All going well, so I thought but some red flags early on. Declarations of love, mainly. But my spidey senses were sent into overdrive with this because this was exactly what my ExH was like. So last week I did a FB snoop, and his long term ex girlfriend (after he split with his ExW) was still on his friends list. He told me he was NC with her and has been a bit vague as to when they finished, but he said they haven't been together since Xmas. Her status still says she is in a relationship with him, but there are no mutual posts for the last 3 months or so. Then last week her photos showed her being in Cornwall on holiday. He's then suddenly decided to take his kids to the same resort (he told me this but not that she would be there...) while she's there. At least I think she's still there. (Assuming)

I don't give a flying toss if he's still in contact with with the Ex GF, I'm not the jealous type at all, as their kids were close. I do, however take issue with him lying about stuff he doesn't need to lie about. I can't deal with anyone who hides what they're doing just because it might not be what I hear. He has explicitly told me that they don't speak and I find it very hard to believe that this impromptu trip is pure coincidence. I have told him to eff off. And yes I do feel shit.

So, overreacting much because of my experiences with exh? Or are these flags crimson?

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Overflowingashtray · 26/07/2014 21:21

*what I want to hear

Arse

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inlectorecumbit · 26/07/2014 21:22

No not over reacting.
Too many red flags early in the relationship.
It's the lying that would finish it for me.

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winkywinkola · 26/07/2014 21:24

It does look rum, yes.

If they were finished, this woman would most definitely have updated her FB status.

So you told him to eff off? You had a conversation about the holiday and if she's there with him?

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winkywinkola · 26/07/2014 21:24

Besides early declarations of love are a massive red flag for me. Binnable just because of that.

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Overflowingashtray · 26/07/2014 21:38

Not spoken to him to see if she's there, no. Have explained why I can't carry on - he knows the crap that went in with my ex. Just on high alert and I can't bring myself to listen and make myself try to believe anything he may try to say.

Thank you for replying. Not in a great place. It has huge potential. But I'm just fleeing from this in its early days before I get even more emotionally involved, iyswim.

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Overflowingashtray · 26/07/2014 21:57

He's just sent me a message about me making assumptions. Well, who wouldn't? Am I?

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LizzieBelle · 26/07/2014 22:12

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck. It's a duck.

If you let him do this now to you, (the slimey git) he will thinker can Angry

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heyday · 26/07/2014 22:13

If you have not been told the truth then all you can do is make assumptions and they may be correct or wide of the mark.
I personally know several people who do not update their FB status even after months of separation.
He may have been in contact with Ex GF and she may well have ranted about the holiday destination and he has gone there on her recommendation.
Don't look like he has done that much ...... Yet.
I have recently found to my cost that once a person lies and gets away easily with that lie then they continue to lie and they sometimes don't even realise they are doing it as it becomes second nature.
You may not have too much to actually forgive him for but he has lied and that's a rotten thing to do. It brought back bad memories for you and the trust has been broken and that can often be just too hard to try to rebuild.
Take some time out, lick your painful wounds, be kind to yourself and maybe in a week or so you may be strong enough to listen to his account of the situation. On the other hand you may realise that this relationship just ain't worth persuing.
I hope your hurting heart will soon start to heal.

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Overflowingashtray · 26/07/2014 22:31

But I'm not sure if he has actually lied about anything? He says he doesn't speak to her (i suppose that's what i meant by NC) but I'm really not fussed if they're still friends on FB fgs.

You're right heyday it did bring back very unwanted memories. I have had previous albeit brief relationships since I split from ExH where I didn't feel any spidey senses tingling. I think that's what makes this one different.

He wants to speak to me tomorrow night.

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Finney2 · 26/07/2014 22:34

He's gone on holiday with his ex-girlfriend and not told you. I think that much is obvious.

You can do better than this xx

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 26/07/2014 22:44

How do you know she's an ex? They're probably still together, and he's on holiday with her.

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winkywinkola · 26/07/2014 23:04

Why does he want to speak tomorrow night and not tonight? Surely he'd want to explain sooner rather than later? Unless its tricky for him to talk tonight. Hmm

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