He smashed my ashtray...

[lovemenot]

We are separating, still living in the same house, separate rooms, solicitors involved. We generally ignore each other so not confrontational for dd's sake.

He is drinking a lot. He came home from the pub on Thursday night, slammed a few doors, rang dd (who was at a friends) and gave out to her for the cat litter being a bit smelly - she does clean it every day but hadn't done it yet that day. He mentioned that "his house smelled of cat piss" - it didn't. He told her to phone me (I'm sitting in the back garden, 15 ft away from him) and get me to do it. He then slammed some more doors and went back to the pub. I did the litter. When he came back an hour later, he went to the back garden and threw my ashtray (with one butt in it) down the garden.

He did the same with the ashtray the following evening, and again this morning, this time smashing it off the wall.

He is gone to the pub again now.

For the first time in all of this I'm nervous.

[StandsOnGoldenSands]

Not sure what to say but handholding until others come along. He sounds aggressive and unpleasant. I think you need to be prepared to call the police if he kicks off when he gets back. I also think you seriously need to get him out of your home sooner rather than later.
Why are you still living together? Is there any way you can tell him to leave?

[mammadiggingdeep]

I have walked in your shoes. For a while my ex came home and refused to leave meaning we had to share a house together. We also ignored each other and it was horrendous. My ex also went out drinking. I felt cold reading your post as it brought back a lot of emotions.

I don't think you should ignore it. I think you should text him and in a non-arsey way state that you cannot live in a house/environment where there is aggression and neither should your dd.

Only reason I would back track on this is if he has ever been violent before.

[lovemenot]

He'd only tell me he is going nowhere and I know where the door is. He has only been verbally aggressive up to now.

I'm working two jobs, about 55+ hours per week to try to get out of here. My solicitor has advised against leaving, he says that if I show I can support myself and dd I reduce my claim on the house.

But if FW is upping the ante now, then getting out is more important.

Will keep my head down for now, stay in my room, and call solicitor on Monday.

Shit. I thought I was coping, but one outburst from him turns me into a quivering mess again :-(

[mammadiggingdeep]

I really feel for you. It reminds me of my situation so much. You are coping- you sound as if you're doing well. Please remember this will be a distant memory one day.

Be strong. Believe in yourself.
X

[lovemenot]

ffs - he's doing my head in. He's not smashing the ashtrays anymore, just throwing them in the bin.

He's just playing mind games and trying to assert control, isn't he?

[Castlemilk]

Call 101. Start logging everything.

A restraining order might be possible if you start logging aggressive behavior, especially if he is involving your DD.

[StandsOnGoldenSands]

Please get an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your legal options. Do you own or rent your home? Whose name is it in?

Also please call Women's Aid. They can give you both practical and emotional support.

[StandsOnGoldenSands]

0808 2000 247

[StandsOnGoldenSands]

Sorry just saw you have seen a solicitor. What did they say exactly?

[lovemenot]

Got a Protection Order (Ireland) granted by the Judge this morning. It'll either shut him up or send him over the edge.

[lovemenot]

Well, the audacity of me for applying (and being granted!) a protection order against him!

He complained to his solicitor who told him he could go to the court to see a copy of my sworn statement. No problem there.

And what does he do - he applies for (and is not granted) a protection order against me!!

Will be interesting to see what his sworn statement is.

[whitsernam]

As usual, Twats are gobsmacked to find the law actually applies to them. Sounds like you are doing the right things; stay in touch with that solicitor!

[1Cheesedoff]

I just read an old post of mine where you gave me fab advice on silent treatment (Jacky1234). I wondered how you were getting on, then saw this thread. Just hope you and DD are safe and have hopefully moved out. you both deserve so much more. x

[thaiglish]

Why on earth are you smoking in a house that children live in? do you not care about their health?

[CatKisser]

Is that a poor taste joke, thaiglish? You're lecturing a worried woman living in an intolerable situation about her smoking?
You're lovely, aren't you?

[lovemenot]

I don't smoke in the house, have never smoked in the house. I only smoke in the back garden when I'm in it alone, and at that I only smoke 2 or 3 a day - although there are times when I wish I could smoke the entire packet!!

We are doing ok, waiting for a court date to get things sorted out. The protection order has kept things under control, although he is still drinking a lot. Ashtrays only go in the bin when I leave them on "his" garden table!

[wannabestressfree]

Sorry I don't know much about Irish law. What does a protection order grant you or get you in way of help?

[lovemenot]

A protection order means that if he kicks off he can be arrested and removed from the house. Without it, he can be cautioned but unless he actually breaks a limb he cannot be arrested for assault. He has never been physically violent (unless you counting hissing into my face) but his aggression particularly when he is drunk is pretty scary.

[maras2]

thaiglish RTFT. She said she was smoking a cigarette in the garden.