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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

On/off friend/ relationship!

27 replies

Ships99 · 26/07/2014 00:11

I started seeing man casually almost a year ago... We met once a fortnight and developed into a relationship of sorts. I felt there was a connection and ended up falling for him. He didn't say the same but did make out he felt the same with things he said.... Maybe leading me on, with hindsight...
We had a falling out in February and then met up again in May. The thing is, I really do like him. He's different to anybody I have dated before... (His work and where he lives is a stunning part of the countryside)... and is a widower. He has issues with moving on from his wife who passed away four years ago and is having counselling for that.
I'm a confident person in my career and usually not one for doubting myself etc, but I long for him to contact me... And feel disappointed when he doesn't. He usually messages or emails every day and today he hasn't...
I know I shouldn't get bothered by it, but I am. I feel I enjoy the time spent with him and the contact, but I do wish I wasn't as bothered about him blowing hot and cold. I do think he's a good bloke, and is working through his issues. We get on really well. He is affectionate and kind and gives me that affection when we meet. I just get the impression I'm way more bothered about him that the other way round.
Not sure what answers I want, and I know it sounds petty, but I just wanted to vent! Lol

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2014 00:18

It doesn't sound like much fun being strung along this way. Nothing worse than one person wanting a relationship and the other keeping it strictly casual. You can waste a lot of time and emotion that way. Why not give him the heave-ho and go find someone who's on the same page?

Ships99 · 26/07/2014 01:02

Strung along..... I think that's a good description. I wanted him so badly to want me. But I can tell it's not good for my mental health to be feeling like this.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2014 07:28

I think it's significant that you describe yourself as confident in your career. 'Successful' people are often very tenacious, optimistic and don't give up on something easily. They will keep plugging away at a problem until it's fixed rather than admit defeat. Good qualities mostly but, in a relationship context, can keep someone in it well past its sell-by. I'm extrapolating a lot so ignore me if I'm wide of the mark.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/07/2014 07:29

It sounds as though he's not up for a relationship and he doesn't value you in the same way you value him. This will end in heartache for you I'm afraid.

something2say · 26/07/2014 08:07

It sounds to me as tho you are ready for something and he is not. It's not you, it's the loss of his wife probably. I think you'll be waiting a long time for this man. My friend was the same, her husband died and she couldn't even look at anyone for years. Then she had what I came to call a practice relationship. I think this man is on a journey and is not ready for what you're ready for. Why not get out a bit more and see who else is available? X

Pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 08:11

You're not telling us much really, except that recently he's missed contacting you for a day Does this amount to blowing hot and cold? it wouldn't for me.

You say that you 'met' once a fortnight- is this past tense?
Do you still see him regularly? Who organises that?

There is a plethora of widow(er) threads on this forum lately- from both sides. see a thread called 'Dating the bereaved' one page back.
What you seem to be experiencing is common.

What exactly do you want that is not forthcoming?

Sorry- not being snippy, just need more info.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2014 08:26

I think hot and cold is in the eye of the beholder. The OP fell out with this guy earlier in the year and they split up for a few months. Three months on from getting back together and a day when there's no contact may not sound like much in isolation but implies a dip in enthusiasm and/or a man who has other priorities, possibly linked with his bereavement/counselling.

What did you fall out about in February OP?

Pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 08:35

I don't think no contact for one day shows a dip in enthusiasm- only if the OP is incredibly intense and needs daily contact.

OP- might be worth thinking about your own feelings of insecurity?
Is this a common factor in relationship for you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2014 09:08

Is it really so intense to enjoy daily contact?

Pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 09:11

Yes, in my opinion.

DH and I had a LTR for 3 years when we met before we married and I never had daily contact- would have felt quite weird really.

Pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 09:12

Actually- you used the word 'enjoy'- no it's not weird to 'enjoy' daily contact but it's different to 'expect' it- especially when you are not in a committed relationship.

Ships99 · 26/07/2014 09:37

I do enjoy daily contact.... Even if it's just one message.
It sounds needy now I've written it down. I do think about him several times a day. Maybe that's why I want daily contact... Wanting to feel that he thinks about me too :/
Sounds pathetic doesn't it?! Lol

OP posts:

Pinkfrocks · 26/07/2014 09:48

I think there's a bit of a generation gap with all of this. DH and I met 35 years ago almost and there was no such thing as texting or mobiles or social media.
In recent years people have become much more used to on-going immediate contact which can raise expectations but also put pressure on people to keep in touch. I'm not saying what I experienced was 'right' but it was different! DH and I used to meet every weekend (friday evening to sunday evening)and in between we'd have 1 phone call, midweek. For the rest of the time we were working and seeing friends socially in the places where we lived.

How often do you see this man OP?

Spickle · 26/07/2014 09:57

Ships99, I am sorry to say that I don't think this will end well. It sounds to me like casual is exactly how he wants it to be and while he is happy to see you on an adhoc basis, you are not. You say he is affectionate when you meet and he usually texts every day, but it does sound like you want a lot more and he is not ready for that. I think you need to let him go and take a chance that he'll come back to you if and when he is ready to move on with his life.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 26/07/2014 10:07

Are we dating the same man?!! See my post 'dating the bereaved' as the replies there may support you x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2014 10:22

If you like daily contact, it doesn't make you pathetic. It just makes someone who doesn't want daily contact 'the wrong guy'.

Ships99 · 27/07/2014 09:12

I've checked my phone for what feels the millionth time and he hasn't been online since he sent a nice message on Thursday tea time.
I think I would feel better if I never saw him again.... The lovely meets and cuddles that occur once a fortnight aren't worth the self doubt and the fact that I feel like the underdog.... Appreciative for any scrap of contact and desperately want him to want me...... I don't think he ever will!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2014 09:16

He just doesn't sound right for you. If you like a relationship that's more full-on, go for someone more enthusiastic.

pinkfrocks · 27/07/2014 09:18

Ships99
Tell me, I clicked on another thread near the top of the list and it's from you- about a guy you met online but it seems a bit different to this thread.

Is it the same guy- you say he said he 'didn't have time for a relationship' and all it amounts to is sex.

Are these men the same one?

pinkfrocks · 27/07/2014 09:20

Just to clarify- this thread says you met this guy a year ago, but your other thread was started in June this year.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 27/07/2014 09:41

I noticed that too Pink F. Maybe the OP has been dating another guy alongside the widower?

pinkfrocks · 27/07/2014 09:44

Come and put us out of our misery Ships .

Have you been seeing both these guys- the widower and the 'just want sexy fun' guy?

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Spickle · 27/07/2014 09:47

Just looked at those threads - hmmm curious

pinkfrocks · 27/07/2014 10:54

I'm even more confused than ever now...
Ships, in another thread of yours, you said that you separated from your Ex around January this year, after deciding to separate. But here you say you started seeing this man about a year ago.

Ships99 · 27/07/2014 10:59

The widower has been on and off for a year. The wanting sex only guy is a different man... Who I met when the widower and I weren't together. And I lived with my ex husband until Christmas but we weren't together in the marital sense for a long time before that.
Sorry for any confusion :/

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