Teenage DDs - how to handle rudeness

[hollyhobbie123]

Okay, so I'm a single mom to two DDs 18 and 19. Both at home and the three of us are very close, and get on well 95% of the time, which I'm very grateful for.

The other 5% they are so cutting and so hurtful to me it literally takes my breath away. More often than not it's when they have done or said something that I perceive as rude or disrespectful. I try to ignore it but sometimes I feel I have to say something or they will walk all over me. When I do say something, it quickly escalates to them being so hurtful and critical of me I usually end up crying, which they are very scornful of. They then proceed to tell me how badly I handled it and what I should have said or done. So I sniffle away for a while feeling sorry for myself, and things return to normal sooner or later.

I'd like to know what others think - should I just ignore what they say because when I pick up on it things get worse, and I feel terrible. Or am I right in telling them when I think they overstep the mark?

Any advice would be really appreciated.

[HumblePieMonster]

Throw them out.

They have no right to speak disrespectfully to you when they are being subsidised by you.

[HumblePieMonster]

And if they were paid-up lodgers, you wouldn't expect them to be rude. They're taking advantage because you love them and they aren't even being polite about it.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Yup, if they can't be civil go find somewhere else to live.

[NK346f2849X127d8bca260]

At 18 and 19 they can make there own way in the world. Tell them if they carry on like that they are out.

Did it with one of my own!

[Mrsgrumble]

Totally unacceptable. They are spoilt and acting like bullies. Get them out. They have it too easy.

[whereisshe]

Never ignore an insult. "Turn the other cheek" is just advice you follow if you want to be bullied. Don't accept their behaviour.

[mrsspagbol]

What kinds of things do they say OP?

[JeanSeberg]

I'm watching this with interest as my 19yo is the same.

Have tried to get him to leave but how? Bags on door step?

Sorry for hijack, just to say you're not alone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with PPs. This seems like a natural point in their lives when they should start getting a place of their own.

[TurboWithAKick]

I get this sometimes... And they do it to each other too. It really is. 'Breathtaking'

I tend to say ' did you mean to be so rude' or words to that ilk

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

On the 'how'.... What my friend did with his 21yo was give him a deadline, took him to see places, helped him work out a household budget, paid the deposit. Led him by the nose and made it impossible to say no basically.

[JeanSeberg]

When they're at uni and in that limbo land with several weeks at uni then several back home, it's not so clear cut. They can't rent a place in both towns...

[HumblePieMonster]

offer to help them with the rent over the summer, jeanseberg?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Maybe he should just live permanently in the uni town JeanSeberg? That's what I used to do because I didn't much like going home...

[HumblePieMonster]

What do they do for money, OP? Are they working? If they're both working, find out where they can get a cheap flat to share.

[hollyhobbie123]

Thank you so much everyone, especially the point about turning the other cheek

They say things like 'Stop whining, I'll do it when I want' when 'it' is they their rooms, or help with housework. Or about the mistakes I've made in life, because they obviously have it all sussed. They just treat me with such contempt sometimes.

I've got to stress that they are both amazing for the majority of the time, although they rarely help around the house.

Definitely need to take a stand, will find the courage to do so thanks to your comments. JeanSeberg it's painful, isn't it? Hope you take some of this advice too.

[hollyhobbie123]

Thank you so much everyone, especially the point about turning the other cheek

They say things like 'Stop whining, I'll do it when I want' when 'it' is they their rooms, or help with housework. Or about the mistakes I've made in life, because they obviously have it all sussed. They just treat me with such contempt sometimes.

I've got to stress that they are both amazing for the majority of the time, although they rarely help around the house.

Definitely need to take a stand, will find the courage to do so thanks to your comments. JeanSeberg it's painful, isn't it? Hope you take some of this advice too.

[JeanSeberg]

Maybe he should just live permanently in the uni town JeanSeberg?

I agree. He's a 19 year old 6 ft man though, refuses to go anywhere, I feel my options are limited.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

They shouldn't 'help' around the house, they should do 1/3 of the tasks in the house in order for all the people living there to have an equitable relationship.

[TurboWithAKick]

Ha ha your back!

[hollyhobbie123]

Turbo I like the idea of asking if they meant to be so rude, will definitely try that.

They are both at Uni locally, paying me £30 each a week for rent etc.

[JeanSeberg]

I've got to stress that they are both amazing for the majority of the time, although they rarely help around the house.

I used to do this, minimise the behaviour. Think 'well it could be worse'. Let's face it though, there's nothing much amazing here is there?

[Walkacrossthesand]

If it's ok for them to do stuff when they want, they will of course understand totally if you don't want to cook a meal/get food in - right?

[hollyhobbie123]

Jean we seem to be on the same page, so comforting to know I'm not the only one.