I feel like my world's been blown apart

[32flavours]

Last night I went to bed thinking everything in my life was perfect. I've been with my dp for nearly seven years, we were a couple of months away from being approved to adopt and we were saving to buy a house in a few years time. We had a lovely day yesterday as we were both off, I really thought my life was sorted. This morning she left for work as usual and about five minutes later text me to say she doesn't want this, any of it. She doesn't want me, the adoption, anything.
I felt like I was going to die. I keep going over the last few days, weeks, months in my head to see if there was anything I missed. Yesterday we were talking about decorating the spare room for our future child and now I am single, childless and homeless. I can't believe she's done this to me and didn't even have the decency to tell me face to face. She's told me she needs space and she's not ready to be a parent. Obviously even if she changes her mind again there is no way I'd go through with adopting now, I would never do that to a child.
I hurt so much, more than I thought possible. I can't believe she's thrown everything away like this. I'm sorry if this is rambling but I have no idea what to think or do.

[Finola1step]

What a terrible shock for you! I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position but you will get lots of good advice and hand holding on here.

On a practical note, what so you mean about being homeless. If you can give more details, someone might be able to advise.

[CookieDoughKid]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. You will need time to process this situation. Have you any idea why this has come around? Did she ever hint before? Is it that she would prefer a bio child?

You need to start rethinking a future without her but it's going to take a lot of time and healing. Small steps and for what it's worth, maybe this was meant to be. Better now than after the adoption.

[32flavours]

Thank you for responding, I'll try to answer some of your questions.
I was working in a job that involves 2-3 year contracts and then you look for another contract. My contract came to an end a few months ago. We'd decided I was going to be the stay at home mum so I didn't look for a new contract. I was working casually to help pay bills until we have a child placed with us. I can't afford to support myself on my own. I know I've probably been stupid but I thought she was completely committed to me and our future. It could take me a long time to find a new contract. I can't pay the rent by myself but I can't live under the same roof as her now.
I had absolutely no idea she felt this way. If I had done I would not be trying to adopt with her. You're right, I'm glad this happened now before we have a child placed with us. My parents divorced when I was two and I would never want that for my own child. I really thought we had a stable, loving relationship.

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello - welcome to the club: membership is not optional.

It is truly the most awful of experiences because you will be a) blaming yourself; b) wondering, and therefore, worrying about her mental health; c) panicking about how the hell you are going to survive; d) devastated that what you believed you had, you hadn't. That is the most bewildering part of the process.

There a no quick fixes - although I found some solace in reading a few self-help books. I could recommend some if you find it helpful.

You say you are not married, and you're renting so you've got a clean break now. I'm afraid the legal remedies for co-habiting couples do not exist. However, do you work? How did the two of you manage financially? What about the tenancy is it in your name, shared names. You may wish to visit the CAB to discuss the practical arrangements of adjusting your life so that you don't cause yourself further trouble (e.g. council tax, paying debts etc). Whatever happens, do not allow your distress to overlook safeguading yourself from debt/CCJs/paying bills etc. This often happens in the first months when you are floored.

On an emotional level - I will tell you something that you won't believe:

It does get better. You will heal. You will find happiness again.

It is just not a switch that you flick to make that happen.

The first few months you'll find yourself crying randomly, lurging from hurting to hating, to confusion to paralysis. This is all a normal way of processing the most devastating of news. It does not remain the every five minutes of fresh hell that it feels like now.

The best advice I can give you is to talk, talk and talk with friends and family. Admit what's happened as soon as you can. You'll be amazed at how supportive friends and family will be, go out as much as you can, even if you don't feel like it.

I didn't find counselling helpful at all but others do and therefore, especially if you are reluctant to talk to family/friends, find it helpful to talk with a counsellor.

I hope this is of some practical benefit to you. I'm very sorry that you are going through this, it is truly an awful thing to experience. Best wishes.

And if nothing else: here is the script: the maddening process of being dumped, which you may find helpful in predicting what is going to come next...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

[32flavours]

Thank you Well, the advice is very much appreciated.
I'm not working full time, I was doing a few casual hours in anticipation of being a parent very soon. I was mainly relying on my dp's income. This is the first time in our relationship that it's been this way. In the past I have been the main breadwinner, but she recently got a big promotion and it made more sense for me to do most of the childcare.
The tenancy is in both of our names. She could pro any continue living there on her own at a push,
I could not. She said we can continue living together as friends. I think is completely ridiculous and would cause me even more pain than I feel now.

[juliascurr]

I've had a very similar experience
F***ing hell, it HURTS

but it will get better, it honestly will

treat yourself every day, remember to eat nutritious food, take small steps to sort out essential finances etc
keep in touch on here

[TeenAndTween]

Are you sure she is sure about what she has said?

If you discussed it and she said it was cold feet re adoption, and she actually wanted to be with you but childless, how would that be?

The adoption process is really stressful. Sometimes people carry on even though they have doubts for the sake of their partner, and at some point realise they can't continue.

The whole splitting up thing could be real, but it could also be panic.

[32flavours]

It has crossed my mind that it might be cold feet. I really want to have a child, I don't know if I want that at the expense of our relationship though. I won't be able to speak to her in person until after midnight when she gets home from work. If it is just the adoption that's making her feel that way then I would be willing to stop the process for now. I don't want to be childless for the rest of my life though. If it's a case of her never wanting children this relationship can never go anywhere and I'd have to walk away. I just can't believe she's let things go this far before saying anything.

[Sparks1007]

You can adopt as a single person. I think your DP has been very cruel. Texting something so massive is very cowardly and not very mature. To suggest that you live as friends is bonkers.

[sunbathe]

If you're not going to live there, take yourself off the tenancy.

You don't want to be liable for rent down the line.

[32flavours]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I'm really trying to believe that it does get better. We talked last night but she was angry and aggressive and I honestly felt like I was talking to a child. We spoke again this morning, she told me she wants to try and work things out, I really don't know what to do.
I feel like I'm grieving for the child I won't have and it hurts like hell. We'd been potentially linked with a little boy and I really thought he was going to be my son. I'm trying to take care of myself but I haven't managed to eat since Thursday. Starving myself is my default setting when things go tits up (recovered anorexic), but I know that isn't the answer. I just feel so lost.

[32flavours]

I just need some handholding. I feel like I can't breathe or think straight. There's reminders about the adoption and our future all around the house. Our sw sent us more information about the child she wanted to match us with. I only just checked my emails today and it just broke my heart all over again.

[Sparks1007]

Would you consider adopting on your own? Is that an option for you?

[Sparks1007]

And please try to eat something. A slice if toast, a piece of fruit, a sugary cup of tea. A bowl of cereal. Just something small to keep you going. It will get better but for that to happen there needs to be some distance between you. Can you stay somewhere else? Go away for a bit? Give yourself time and space.

[32flavours]

Adopting on my own wouldn't be an option right now, but possibly in the future yes. I guess I just have to rethink everything I thought my life was going to be.
Luckily I'm going away the week after next so we will have some space. I don't have anywhere else to stay. I will try to eat though, I know I need to in order to be able to get through this with my health intact.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Sounds like an affair to me, hope you're ok op

[32flavours]

What makes you say that? I can't say I haven't thought myself

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

I'm so sorry 32. I haven't any advice and cannot imagine what you're going through, but wanted to add my support. I hope it all works out for you, however that may be.

[32flavours]

Thanks Rhinos, your support is greatly received. I just feel numb and tired now. I really can't believe this is my life.

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Sudden change of heart, seems v suspicious to do without a fall back

[WaitMonkey]

Just read this. How heartbreaking op. Hope you're eating now, not eating will only make you feel worse.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

This sort of sudden falling out of love is usually due to an affair I'm afraid. It's so sad to hear about your adoption plans, even if you choose to go ahead as a single adopter it won't be this child. How sad and cruel.

[juliascurr]

hey 32
how's it going?
what have you eaten today?
milkshake? vit pills?
xx

[32flavours]

Hi it's really nice that people are checking up on me. I've managed to eat some fruit today. I know it doesn't sound like much but just breaking the pattern of not eating is a big thing for me. I refuse to let what's happened make me ill when I worked so hard to get better.
She wants to try and work things out with me, we spoke last night and she said she just isn't ready to adopt. I'm hurt that she let it go this far, but looking back there were signs she wasn't ready, I guess I just didn't see them because I wanted it so much. I'm not blameless in this.
I really don't think it's an affair, I just can't believe she'd do that to me. I do want to work things out with her, I still love her. I need to make sure that she's not saying she doesn't want kids at all though, that would be a deal breaker for me.

[TeenAndTween]

Am I right in reading that you have been approved to adopt already and are now in the process of being linked?
Or is linking happening concurrently with the end of your approval process?

Is it possible that your OH is feeling 'bounced' into this link somehow? We were approached about a link a month before approval. I think we kind of felt 'bounced' into it and we said no. Then 15 months later the 'right' match came along.

'Not ready to adopt' might mean 'adoption's not right for me', but might also mean 'my gut is saying this match isn't right but I can't find any logic so it must mean I'm not ready'.

It could also mean last minute nerves - the understanding how much your life will change with a LO in your life. Focussing on what you will lose - freedom, long lie ins etc., rather than what you will gain. It's quite common that one partner may care about that loss more.

But you do both have to be committed to each other and to adopting, otherwise when the going gets tough what is to stop your partner walking out then - which would be another loss for the child. That's what's worrying me, that her first reaction has been to quit rather than talk it through. If you do continue with this or another one you must make sure you are solid as a couple first.