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Relationships

DP cheated four years ago, just found out

169 replies

YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 07:14

Can you help me please, I feel utterly bewildered and broken. I found out last night that my DP cheated on me nearly four years ago. Apparently a drunken kiss on a lads holiday. I had suspected something at the time- he became Facebook friends with a girl after he returned from the trip. He denied it at the time, said that she was part of a group of girls that he and his friends had hung out with on the holiday, no more.

I brought it up randomly last night, I don't know why. Just an uneasiness that had crept up on me every so often that he'd not told me the truth. After being asked several times he finally admitted it, said it was a one off drunken mistake that he'd never told me about because it meant nothing to him and he didn't want to risk losing me over it.

I'm feeling...so hurt that he could cheat on me. It happened about nine months into our relationship, we'd just moved in together, extremely happy I thought. If he could cheat on me in such a lovely honeymoon phase of our relationship, what hope do I have during the really hard years of marriage when it's not all hearts and roses.

Also can't get over the fact that he kept in touch with her afterwards (via Facebook). I could almost get my head round a stupid drunken kiss that he felt hugely remorseful over afterwards and wanted to just forget about, but they were in contact afterwards by becoming Facebook friends and no doubt messaging each other. To me that shows no remorse for what he's done. I don't think anything physically happened when they got back (I remember from her Facebook profile at the time when I found out he was friends with her that she didn't live anywhere near us) but if anything that makes it more confusing that he kept in touch with her.

The lying. We are engaged, due to get married in six months (how sick it makes me feel to write that). Several times since we got engaged I've said that I want to go into married life with no secrets and that if there was anything he wanted to tell me, to tell me now. He's always looked me in the eye and sworn there was nothing to tell me. Who knows why he finally admitted it last night.

The trust. It is killing me that I have no way of knowing whether he slept with her, whether he's cheated on me other times. Is he someone that just casually cheats because he can? I don't know, of course I want to believe it was a stupid one off mistake years ago but it's tearing me up that I can't know that, and I've already naively believed for five years that he's always been faithful to me so how w

OP posts:
YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 07:17

Sorry pressed send too soon...

So how would I know whether I can trust what he's saying now.

I've had four hours sleep, feel totally broken and confused.

We have just bought a house together, are supposed to get married in six months time and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't think straight and I'm so scared and in a middle. I feel like my relationship has been a lie and it's confirmed what I thought all along- that I'm not with being loved, for someone to just want me.

What do I do?

OP posts:
MissIreland · 25/07/2014 07:22

I understand you're devastated but once the shock, hurt and anger lessens you will get passed this.

You want to believe it's a one off, and you've had no other suspicions so it probably was. Choose to believe your DP and carry on with being happy.

Lots of people have one off drunken kisses and wouldn't even consider it cheating.

YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 07:27

Thanks for replying MissIreland, the thing is my DP 100% knows that I view kissing someone else as cheating, so even if it's not a big deal for others, he knew it would be for me and still did it.

I also have no idea if it did go further than that and I can't get my head round why he would contact her on Facebook afterwards. For the thrill of doing something sneaky? If it were me I would have been feeling sick with guilt, not trying to hook up with the person after I got home Sad

OP posts:
tribpot · 25/07/2014 07:28

Keeping in touch with her was extremely disrespectful of you. Does he have an explanation for why he did that? What is his attitude like now he's admitted this? Is it a coincidence that he's admitted this as a point that it would be much more difficult for you to just walk away, i.e. after the house and (presumably) the engagement announcement?

I don't think you have a reason to suppose he is a serial cheater, unless your gut has always been uneasy about him.

Is he still friends with her on Facebook? Perhaps if so you can contact her and ask her what happened the night they met, see if you can get the story confirmed that way.

Take some time to consider your options. And confide in your friends.

PetulaGordino · 25/07/2014 07:30

But the OP does consider this cheating, as do I. The whole point is that she can't "choose to believe" him because he has sworn over and over gain that nothing happened and he was lying - he has broken her trust

OP - how is he behaving now that he has finally told you (at least part of) the truth?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 07:35

I'm sorry you've had such a nasty shock. You're quite right. Mistrust and suspicion are what kill relationships, much quicker than actual infidelity. That niggling doubt has been steadily poisoning your relationship for four years now. I can see why he'd want to cover up what happened but he was very careless & stupid to keep her as a Facebook friend. Is he apologetic?

What you do now depends very much on the strength of your feelings for each other and who you are as people. Only you know if you can live with this information and only you know if it has changed the way you feel about your partner. You can't undo what happened.

Vivacia · 25/07/2014 07:38

I'd give yourself a week to think and to make no life changing decisions. One option I would consider is postponing the wedding.

How is your partner behaving?

Pantone363 · 25/07/2014 07:40

I'm sorry but I doubt very much he just kissed her.

When pressed he gave up exactly the minimum he had to.

Are they still FB friends?

FrankSaysNo · 25/07/2014 07:41

Kissing ? Cheating? That's a massive over reaction I'm afraid (Well I think it is).

However, you don't trust him. That is the nail in the coffin of your relationship. Don't marry him, simply because you will have no peace of mind.

YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 07:49

Thank you for the replies, it's really comforting to hear different thoughts as I don't trust my own mind right now- I'm so tired and my head's so fuzzy from crying so much.

tribpot no explanation for why he was Facebook friends with her. He just said that she sent him a friend request and he accepted it. Absolutely not still friends with her on Facebook, I asked him to delete her at the time and have checked now. Any messages between them have been deleted though so no way of knowing what was said, how long they kept in touch for.

In terms of timing of telling me, funnily enough he could potentially lose a lot more than I would. He has paid 99% of the money towards our house (earns a lot more money than me, also five years older so further into career and had savings, whereas I have a mediocre salary and lots of student debt) but we are joint owners, 50/50 share in the house.

PetulaGordino he's reacted as he normally does when we have an argument. Really tried to downplay it at first, and seem so shocked that I would consider ending our relationship years ago. Later (after I screamed my head off and, not wonderful behaviour I know, but took my engagement ring off and threw it at him) he was more apologetic, said that he'd been too scared to tell me because he'd thought this would happen (me ending the relationship). That he'd felt guilty about it over the years but that because to him it was so minor, and a one off, he just pushed it out of his mind and essentially pretended it never happened. He's not tried to 'win me back', or 'fight for me' which hurts even though I'm too mad to really talk to him anyway apart from spouting poisonous bile at him.

Cogito Yes he's apologetic and seems to get that even though it's years ago and 'meaningless' to him, it's a fresh discovery for me and may as well have happened yesterday. I'm so sad because when we first got together I was put off by his job (banking), thought that they were all players and shallow, and I've just grown to love him so much over the years and slowly let myself believe that they're not all shallow cocks who cheat on their wives. Ha. More fool me Sad. You are utterly right that I can't undo what happened and perhaps the right thing to do will only feel a bit clearer in time, rather than right away.

Do you think I've done the right thing by telling him to pack his bags for the weekend or should I try to talk to him?

OP posts:
YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 07:52

Vivacia thanks, yes agree it would make sense to postpone the wedding. Is it awful that the potential embarrassment/humiliation is putting me off doing that.

Pantone363 No, not still Facebook friends. And very much aware that he could have easily slept with her Sad and just hasn't admitted to that. It's awful that I have no way of knowing.

FranksSaysNo I know people have different perspectives on what constitutes cheating, but to me kissing someone else is. And he knows that and has always known that about me. And its' not just the actual kiss- it's about doing something that he knew was unacceptable to me, looking in the eye and lying to me about it for four years and yes, now I don't trust him.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/07/2014 07:53

I think you've done the right thing.

Vivacia · 25/07/2014 07:57

You can give any reason for postponing, or none at all. But I know what you mean, and that's why I'd advise not rushing in to anything.

FrankSaysNo · 25/07/2014 08:00

You're the one thats going to come out the winner though. 50% of everything he's paid for. You've landed on your feet there and got a nice little nest egg to move on with.

StrawberryMouse · 25/07/2014 08:06

Eek. I'd have doubts that they just kissed too if it was that kind of holiday and it doesn't sound like you can trust him to be honest about what happened, especially since it was so long ago and you have no way of confirming the details.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, if it was a fresh discovery I'd assume your way forward would seem much clearer but all the time that has passed since has muddied the waters a bit. What a headfuck.

YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 08:10

FrankSaysNo I don't want the money Sad I want DP to have been faithful, for him to not have lied and left me in this position.

He was supposed to be coming to hospital with me next week for some treatment, to hold my hand and look after me afterwards. It's just something minor but I'm still feeling scared about it and hate that I'm going to have to deal with it on my own now.

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 25/07/2014 08:14

So you have dumped him?

YorkshirePudPud · 25/07/2014 08:18

I've told him to stay somewhere else this weekend.

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 25/07/2014 08:20

Perhaps it's my aged years but you aren't fighting for this relationship at all. You seem resigned to consigning it to the bin rather than working at it. All relationships have their ups and downs. If a drunken snog is the worst of your problems, you will have a charmed marriage.

Do you generally have trust issues? This needs to be resolved before you get into another serious relationship. Its no way to live your life, jealous and needling about the past.

Life is a learning curve.

sanfairyanne · 25/07/2014 08:20

if it was less than a year in to the relationship, i would not be that bothered tbh but i am not you. i think both dh and i did this in the early days but we have managed to be perfectly faithful as the relationship deepened. so i dont agree with the idea that if he could do it in the first flushes of romance, he could do it later as well. of course, it is still up to you how you react. i womder, for instance, why it was still nagging at you four years later - is there an underlying issue?

FolkGirl · 25/07/2014 08:23

Why the aggressive tone, Frank?

The OP has done nothing wrong here other than to have a bit of self respect.

Cinders12 · 25/07/2014 08:24

Marriage is a v serious thing and you've got to be certain. Postponing if you have doubt has got to be sensible.

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FolkGirl · 25/07/2014 08:25

X posted!

She's already said the snog isn't the issue per se.

It's the lying, the betrayal, the lack of respect in adding the girl as an FB friend...

In these circumstances, I think even I could forgive a drunken snog if it was admitted to straight away.

It's a pity he didn't think about 'fighting' for his relationship when he was faced with temptation, isn't it?

scarletforya · 25/07/2014 08:26

I'm sorry Op. I wouldn't believe it was just a kiss either. He had opportunity. They could have spent the while holiday together for all you know.

He's following the cheaters script, minimising as much as possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/07/2014 08:28

As the PP said, we are not you. If you think that asking him to step out for a weekend is reasonable then you have done the right thing. Personally, I tend to think that a bit of space is a good thing in these situations. You get chance for the raw shock to subside, rationalise a little and work out how you properly feel about it. He gets the message that this isn't something and nothing, you can't be taken for granted and gets chance to think about how to make amends assuming he gets the chance.

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