Do they ever feel sorry or guilt??

[eventuallyintime]

Hi all,

Would just like to hear some experiences. I've previously been in an EA relationship which I left a few years ago but sometimes wonder if he ever thinks about me or if he's ever sorry about it. We don't talk anymore, he'd tried to contact me but i didn't give in and i guess now he's got the message - but i can't deny i used to get a slight boost from seeing his name flash up on my phone. But hey-ho.

I guess my red flag radar is now always on alert which has led me to shut things down with other guys maybe prematurely but i'd rather that than see things through to the very (bitter) end and find myself with a bruised and battered heart. Does that make me weak or mean that he wins then?

Also can someone remind me why even though you might still remember the good times of the things that could have been, you will never go back to the bastard?

thanks

[FreudianGymSlip]

The painful truth is, I'm afraid, that if he was EA he probably isn't sorry.

Don't wonder about him. Focus on you and the certainty that you did the right thing.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

An emotionally abusive person wasn't really thinking about you at the time, never mind after the event. They're all about 'self'. Other people only register when they can be trained to be useful.

If you're being super-cautious with new prospects, that's pretty normal after an abusive relationship. Does make you weak or mean. Just means you don't trust others quite so much... or maybe you don't trust yourself. It passes.

If you find yourself only remembering the good times (also normal) then consciously drag a particularly crappy event out of your memory to cancel it out. Friends that witnessed you at your lowest can be a good way to get a big dose of reality.

[eventuallyintime]

thank you both for replying.

Cog, i remember u commented on my first ever post. and with a great deal of (painfully true) insight.

FGS, you are right that i have made the right decision. i just hope i can mentally stick by it. by that i don't mean contact him because i won't. but just the courage to move on with my life... that is what is bothering me.

but sometimes the whole situation haunts me. i know it wasn't abuse to the extent that others on these threads have faced but it was still emotional abuse.

i guess i'm trying to deal with the aftermath, of wondering why did i pour my heart out to him and wishing i could turn back time because even tho we don't speak i feel humiliated on a daily basis and wonder when the next guy will also 'turn' so to speak.

i worry about becoming vulnerable again. i can't go through that again. i don't know how other people deal with having humiliated themselves to such an extent.

regarding him, i'm done. but the future really scares me.

sorry to drip feed but i just feel like i can live the rest of my life quite happily alone. and i guess that means he wins.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's normal to think about the past and where it went wrong. It's normal to assess your own actions and try to work out why you didn't reject this person's behaviour earlier or more forcefully. That's how you learn from your mistakes. You said it ended a few years ago. Less or more than 2?

If it's been more than two years, if you find you're really struggling to square away the past and you're worried that it's affecting your ability to form new relationships then you could consider counselling or something like the Freedom Programme.

There are also ways to make yourself less vulnerable and they mostly involve bolstering your self-esteem and confidence and maintaining independence. Most people aren't malicious but you're occasionally going to meet bullies and similar. Trick is to have high standards, get shot before you get hurt and I think you're doing that by rejecting boyfriends even if it's prematurely. It'll settle down eventually. You may never be quite so naïve or trusting again and you may decide you prefer independence, but that's really not a bad thing.

[EarthWindFire]

I left a DV situation where his last comment to me was 'you'll come crawling back' I didn't. At the time I also never thought I would get into another relationship.

However fast forward 5 years from that date and I met my DP. Because of my past and the acrimonious split that he had with his ex we were both cautious to start off with and were both aware of the behaviour that we would accept from each other iyswim.

I do occasionally get flash backs, but now we talk through them rather than me internalising them.

I also second counselling. It really helped me and I wouldn't hesitate going again if I needed to

[ShropshireLady]

Eventuallyintime a good place to read about people who have been in EA relationships is a site called psychopathfree (-I know - scary!) There are various stages of getting over these types of relationships and the rollercoaster of emotions that you feel is quite normal. You've done the right thing by ending contact and trying to heal, but these types of relationships often take longer to get over :-( It's an awful place to be

[Iflyaway]

Nothing wrong in living an independent life...

We live in this culture where you are made to feel a freak if you, re not coupled up - and preferably with a ring around it.

I,ve been in abusive relationships and have benefitted from counselling
but also spiritual stuff. Learning to fine tune your intuition is a great way of seeing those red flags straight away...

Go at your own pace, take time for yourself, create that independent life (I travel alone, love it) also brought my son up alone don,t always love it lol

And remember, you got out cos you have excellent boundaries, you know you deserve so much better. Don,t let damaged men define who you are!

[Iflyaway]

lovefraud.com is also an excellent site for knowledge and healing...

[ShropshireLady]

Iflyaway sounds like you've got it sussed! i was never a naive person but seriously didn't think there were so many blokes on this planet with personality disorders - I seem to be the ultimate shit magnet but I don't think there's anything wrong with my boundaries - at least I thought not!! :-/

[eventuallyintime]

Thanks for all your replies!

Cog, it has been less than two years ifyswim: (in other words: we 'officially' broke up two years ago after he decided to leave me after a week - of getting back together- ... following a 2-year-long relationship, then we went on and off for a year and a half until i called it a day finally!). and all the cruelty involved in that time was unreal...it was nothing like some others have faced but he would do small things that eventually accumulated.

during our off periods i kept thinking what if i could do better, be a better person, love him more, do this or that more then he would love me... i was even trying to change myself if it meant he would love me! WoW!

i'll check out the sites that you provided, but i feel like a true and utter fool sometimes for having not walked out earlier.

between us, on one of our parting occasions we had sex and during sex he called me a 'fool'... but in a different language while i was pouring out my heart to him, only to later discover that he was seeing someone else at the same time.

i have never thought of myself as being such an idiot as in other areas of my life i seem to do well... career wise etc... but i sometimes would really like to go back in time and shake myself! shout at myself! that naive little girl who thought this man would look after her! FFS!

as u all say lesson learned... perhaps the same lesson had to be repeated for me to finally learn it!!

i'm gonna fly solo for now and not concentrate too much on 'what the future holds' i've found taking it day by day helps. more

[eventuallyintime]

sorry cog, for clarification: our actual relationship all added up amounts to less than 2 years, infact probably less than a year! we spent more time going back and forth than doing anything else productive (like being in a normal / loving relationship)

which makes me laugh while writing because i can see how we were just not meant to be!

thanks!

my minor realisations always make me feel better... (if not slightly ashamed)