Why isn't he getting it? Am I talking a foreign language?

[weedinthepool]

I have told H I'm leaving. I'm just waiting on a house. As predicted his behaviour has been appalling since his mum got her terminal diagnosis and as predicted he's used this as an excuse to emotionally, financially and sexually abuse me. Its escalated to the point that I can't sit in the same room as him so I'm off.

Just had a text exchange with him to say its obviously v.diff between us and if he wants me to go now I will (I'll have to move in with my mum & dad & the 3dcs which isn't ideal) and he replied with 'I don't recall asking you to leave. All your choice'. So I replied with:

You've left me no choice though! I can't live with someone whose main aim seems to be to get as angry as they can with me & make life as awkward as they can. It makes no sense. Husbands are meant to be supportive and loving not angry & persistently aggressive. I've tried to change my reactions & not be bothered by it, change myself to what I thought you wanted me to be but it hasn't been enough. You are still angry. You still hate my family. You still think I talk too much. You still think I'm clueless about everything & you know whats best. Nothing I do will change that.

And he hasn't responded. He won't talk to me when he gets in. He'll just ignore that fundamental summary of our relationship breakdown. Its making me wobble & think I'm doing the wrong thing. That I'm crazy or something? This is NOT normal is it? Tell me to keep on keeping on with my exit plan please!!!

[Vivacia]

You don't need to talk to him, you don't need his permission to leave and you don't need to convince him of your reasons for leaving.

[ApocalypseNowt]

You are not crazy. Yes definitely proceed with your exit plan. How long are you likely to be waiting on this house? Might be worth moving to your mum and dad's in the interim anyway. Although not ideal I think it's best you get out sooner rather than later.

[HecatePropylaea]

It's not normal, no, and it doesn't sound as though you are safe. He sexually abuses you?

I hope you are able to get out very very soon.

I don't think, from what you say, that it is likely you will get any sort of acknowledgement or acceptance. It seems from what you post that he is more likely to simply ignore you and hope that will lead to inaction on your part.

And it very nearly is, isn't it? Because otherwise you wouldn't be posting here asking if it's you that's in the wrong.

[ApocalypseNowt]

It's probably best as well if you don't actually engage with him at all. You've made the decision to leave so there's no value in engaging with him at this point.

[mrsspagbol]

You do not need validation from a dickhead.

Just leave.

Move on with your life. Be free. Be happy.

His silence says it all. You are right. He knows it. Dont waste a second more of your one and only life waiting for him to admit it.

Just leave.

[wyrdyBird]

Keep on with your exit plan.
Don't expect any sensible or useful response from him.
Can you make a move right now?

[weedinthepool]

Thank you all. hec you are right. I'm wobbling. Maybe I should watch killed by my boyfriend again. Strengthen my resolve. It was identifying with the programme that started the exit plan.

He's just replied saying 'This is your choice. If you need to blame it on me, go ahead, blame it on me but you have chosen to leave. Not me.' So basically apocalypse you are right. I need to stop engaging with him. I really do.

[Purplewithred]

Engage with us instead. We want to protect your sanity and happiness, not destroy it.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Well, he isn't going to agree with you is he?

He is an abuser. Get as far away as quickly as possible from him. Don't look back.

[weedinthepool]

I'm not sure why I need him to engage and validate my decision. It must be something to do with having fuck all self esteem thanks to a decade long nightmare relationship I suppose.

[weedinthepool]

funky he doesn't agree with the smallest decisions I make like allowing the dc's a penguin in their lunch box so why would he agree with upskittling the comfy life where he gets full control of finances, the dc's & my body?

My strength (and anger) is returning.

[HayDayQueen]

He's right, you've chosen to leave.

But - HE'S chosen to destroy the relationship, which has made it impossible for you to stay.

[Tinks42]

Why don't you just go? Get out and away from the situation. Don't hang around expecting him to say what you want to hear, he never ever will. Why give yourself more pain?

[tribpot]

Let's face it. He's never going to say 'yep, it's a fair cop. You're right, I've been shit'. Why would he? He gains nothing (that he cares about) by admitting fault.

You lose power by being desperate enough to stay engaged with him, seeking his approval for your decision. So it plays well for him to get a response when he says he didn't ask you to leave. If there was ever a situation that the word 'whatever' was designed for, this is it.

Disengage, focus on the future, and be confident that your decision was the right one. The only one.

[PedantMarina]

Just reinforcing what the other wise women saying: don't waste any effort trying to get him to Get It. Look after yourself, and Be Safe.

However, I'd be sorely tempted to write back "life is full of choices. You've chosen to act like an abusive asshole. Mine is to not put up with it."

Maybe followed by "buhbye now".

[weedinthepool]

I'm going to look after myself. Going to bath the dc's after tea. Get in bed myself & read. He has just texted to say he will be late home so I get a few more hours reprieve. He will have gone to get pissed, which will no doubt be my fault. I'm not responding. We are not sharing a bed at the moment so I might get away with not seeing him until tomorrow night now.

[weedinthepool]

pedant wish I had the guts to send your text ha!

[Jan45]

Stop communicating with him, it won't change, he wont ever get it, unless you do it then you are stuck with a miserable life with him.

Stop blaming yourself for him being an arsehole and acting the way he does, who cares if he blames you, it's irrelevant. The relationship has probably been over for a while, you've just been dragging yourself along in the vain hope things might change, you know they wont.

[HecatePropylaea]

you have chosen to leave. This is true. And it's a GOOD choice and you took the power away from him in order to make it. Be proud of yourself. He is trying to make you feel like it's a bad thing because it's coming from you and he hasn't given you permission to make that choice! It isn't a bad thing. It's good. You have taken control of your life back from him. You have chosen to not accept his treatment of you any more.

[OiMissus]

I'm guessing that he has more rights to the house than you?
You have 3 Dcs, and you're looking for somewhere else...?
I'd be tempted to change the locks and leave bin liners with his belongings by the front door.
You're doing the right thing.
Get rid. Put you and the kids first.
Breathe!
Enjoy.
Best of luck for the future.

[hamptoncourt]

OP I am a bit worried.

Are you sure you are safe?

He is an abuser and you are threatening to take away his control permanently. And he is going out drinking..............

[weedinthepool]

I'm fine & safe. He is home but I haven't spoken to him & the petty little man has left his dinner that I put aside for him. Oh well, he can starve.

DD is really playing up tonight, I'm sure she's picking up on my stress levels. I didn't get much sleep at all last night because H was an arsehole about DS1's birthday (Ds1 is his stepson & he always always creates drama & awkwardness around ds's birthday because my family come). So I'm exhausted & just want to sleep but DD keeps getting up. She's only 3 & it's hot so it may well be that.

Right I'm off to sleep if the little voice who keeps shouting mummy let's me.

[Vivacia]

Please keep safe OP, keep your use of MN private and a safe place for you.

[MexicanSpringtime]

Rest up, OP, and tomorrow start to see yourself for who you are, not for the person he has convinced you that you are.

It is hard to leave even the most abusive relationships, but it is wonderful too, the first step to rediscovering yourself.

[bragmatic]

Well, if he doesn't like your cooking, don't cook for him. That's one thing off the list!

Can you have your son's party at your family's house?

Have you talked to your parents/family about what is going on? Do you have real life support?