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Relationships

Feeling unimportant and invisible - long and whingy

4 replies

miniscule · 24/07/2014 16:53

I just need to have a whinge about a few things that have happened recently. It’s all very self-indulgent actually and I know I am probably being unreasonable (didn’t post in AIBU as it’s too scary over there) but just wanted to get it out there somewhere and I have posted on relationships under another user name.

As the title says I sometimes feel like I’m invisible, as if I’m only here to do stuff for other people but no-one’s interested in me for my own sake. I come from an EA background (controlling DF, passive aggressive DM, bullying DBro) and so have grown up being the one who always had to back down, always had to be the peacemaker and my feelings were always minimised and put last against everyone elses (I’m not allowed to criticise my DM for example as she gets upset even if what she’s said or done has upset me).

Anyway a few things have happened recently and they are all minor in the grand scheme of things but for me they have just reinforced that invisible, unimportant feeling. I have recently moved house, moved in with my DP after many years together, lived on my own with two DC before that for ten years after divorcing my EA ex.

There is a whole back story with me and my ‘D’Bro, bullying when we were kids, very one-sided relationship where I made all the effort and him and his wife none, he was an absolute arse to me when I was going through my divorce and him and his wife treated my DP badly for many years (although they have been better to him in the last couple of years). But, I still try to maintain a civil relationship with him for my parent’s sake and my kids – who like their cousins. Got a text from him the other eve asking if we wanted to go round for a takeaway as his inlaws and my parents were going round. Text arrived just after 5 o’clock, I already had food sorted so I just politely declined (he is always arranging stuff last minute), but I found out later he’d asked my parents during the morning and his inlaws the day before. It’s like he deliberately left my invite too late for me to be able to accept. And then apparently the next day him and my parents went out for lunch to a pub five minutes from my house (B lives 30 mins from here and my parents 10 mins) but didn’t invite us to lunch or call in on the way home as they were “too busy”. Context for this…. I lived in my previous house for ten years and they came round less than ten times in that whole period despite many invites. Yet they pop in on his SIL, BIL etc (who lived five mins from me) all the time. I shouldn’t let it bother me as so much has happened over the past few years that I don’t even like him but it does make me feel sad that he cares so little, especially when it’s rubbed in my face like that.

My DD was chatting to me the other day about her Dad’s new –ish girlfriend and how he’d bought her an expensive bracelet for her birthday. Now, I left him as I said, ten years ago, would never go back in a million years and am not jealous one bit of his girlfriend but this got to me a bit and it took me a while to work out why. I was with him for 15 years in total, through a couple of big birthdays, married him, bore him two DC’s and he never once bought me any nice jewellery. I picked my engagement ring, wedding ring and even pretty much bought my own eternity ring. He never bought me anything nice like that the whole time we were together, his last birthday ‘present’ to me before we split was a hairdryer because my old one had blown up and he asked to use my Boots points to put towards it so it was cheaper, that was his typical way of present buying the whole time I was with him. But he can now make the effort for someone else? Again, I just wasn’t worth any effort, I didn’t matter.

One of DP’s friends has met someone, moved in together, got married and had a baby in the time it’s taken us to just move in together (no ex-partners or previous children involved in their case so it was a lot less complicated). When they moved we sent them a nice card, nice wedding present for their wedding and when they had their baby I knitted them a baby blanket and sent it with a card. We’ve just moved in and nothing from them at all, no card, no acknowledgement. I know it sounds petty and they probably meant to do it but forgot, I know it’s hard with a little one around to remember stuff but I am feeling disappointed and again, like I’m not worth even the slightest bit of effort.

And last of all my own DC’s and DP. For me, moving in together was a huge step, not just the financial one but having been independent for so long it was a big thing for me to trust someone and commit again. So, as it was a special day for me – and I thought everyone else – I bought each DC and my DP a little housewarming present and wrote a little note in a card for each of them. I put a lot of thought into the presents and the words in the cards. Now, obviously as I didn’t tell them I was doing it I knew they wouldn’t have got anything for me but we’ve been living here for quite a few weeks and I’ve not had anything from any of them (kids are teens so well capable of getting something small or a card). Actually it’s more my DP, kids are still in the self absorbed teen phase and at least they put their cards up and use their presents (I did get thanked at the time btw). My DP has upset me though, I don’t even know where the card and present are, he’s put them away somewhere (the present was something he can use). He’s not actually mentioned the present after I gave it to him. It’s just so frustrating, I try to be nice and thoughtful with gifts and cards and things like that but never get anything in return. I know you shouldn’t give gifts with the aim of getting something back and I don’t normally, it’s the way I am but I know others aren’t big on cards and presents but this time I really thought DP could have made a small effort in return. Just something to mark this big change in our relationship. He’s not big on talking about feelings etc either and so at the moment it feels like this move is nothing special to him and therefore maybe I’m nothing special.

So, that turned out a lot longer and a lot more rambling than I thought! Sorry for being such a whinge bag ? It does make me sound very materialistic, like I’m whinging for not getting cards and presents but the monetary value isn’t important at all, it is all about the thought and at the moment I feel like no-one is giving me a second thought, I’m invisible and unimportant, I don’t matter.

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mupperoon · 24/07/2014 17:23

Ah, don't apologise for yourself or your feelings, of course you matter!

To be honest it sounds to me like you are just more considerate, generous, and sensitive (and possibly a lot more organised) than most of your family and friends.

I know that compared with some of my friends and family I am rubbish at sorting out presents/cards on special occasions. I try to make up for it with hosting special meals etc but the amount of cards arriving at our house is always higher than the number of cards purchased!

Your ex partner sounds like an arse. But do you think your children or partner fully understand how important the move was to you

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 17:37

Definitely don't apologise for the way you feel. Don't self-deprecate by calling it 'whingeing'. In fact, reading your story, it's that tendency to apologise, make peace, be civil, not make a fuss, and be unilaterally kind & thoughtful to others without expecting anything in return that appears to be why you're being taken for granted in the first place.

There's nothing wrong with being a generous and kind person but you need to find some steel to go with it and start being less accommodating and more demanding. Assertiveness, basically.

For example, if DP has upset you, tell him. So what if he's not big on talking about feelings? 'DP I'm not happy that you've done nothing to mark us moving in together and that you're treating it as though it's no big deal. In fact, I'm so unhappy that I'm starting to wonder if I've made the right decision. What are you going to do about it?'

It's not going to come naturally to you but you need to make the effort to be heard, even if it risks being unpopular.

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miniscule · 24/07/2014 19:00

Thanks Mupperoon, Cog, it's so nice to be listened to and understood. I do struggle with being assertive and putting myself first, most of the time it just seems easier to go along with what others want. I am generally easy going though so most of the time it is fine. But you are right, that does lead to me being taken for granted.

I will say something to DP, just to let him know that I'm a bit disappointed. In all other respects he's so lovely, a proper adult, pulls his weight around the house, respectful, loving, responsible. His way of showing he cares is cooking really nice meal with a decent bottle of wine. I just need him to verbalise his feelings once in a while.

This relationships board is great. There are so many wise and wonderful people helping out with some truly awful situations. I have learned so much lurking & v occasionally posting on here.

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Lesnewth · 24/07/2014 19:27

I think like Cogito says, you need to be more assertive. If you are not naturally that way then it might come as a shock to your friends & family but you must let people know when they've disappointed you.

I'm feeling similar and was really cross to find DH had gone to a family day at his works with the teen DC yesterday without even mentioning it to me so I didn't even know about it until too late. Anyway, I pointed out that I'm his family too, so there's no excuse if he does it again. I was really annoyed he hadn't even mentioned it to me.

Still, he knows my feelings now!

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