My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help my husband is leaving me

16 replies

JoanneL123 · 24/07/2014 14:45

Hi, i need to get this off my chest and so here go's. If i sound abit flustered i'm trying to give as much info so i can have your help / advise.

My husband of 7 years 14 years together has decided he on longer wants to be with me. He insults me in front of our 7 year old and 2 year old. Calls me a useless mother, as we are going thought the trantrum 2 year old. I work two jobs both parttime of approx 20 hrs over 2 1/2 days during the day and i work evenings and weekends approx 15-20 hrs.

He has his tea on the table when he gets home during the week. Many a friday, saturday and sunday he spends his days getting drunk. He every rarely has to wash up, wash he's own clothes, clean up after himself.

He told me last night after a argument which started over nothing that he was leaving me (this was after a gut load of beer and me working last night - coming home 11pm) that he's leaving me he was very angry and annoyed and i just don't know what happened between me going to bed at 12 midnight to him coming to bed at 2pm!!!!. I'm really confused and very tired i'm at work cos i don't want to be at home, but i'm fallings asleap cos i've been up all night. Hurt and i don't know where to turn. I'm tired of this threats and confused with his demands. I think i have tried my best to provide for the family and him, but he will not lissen. He did do this a month or so ago and i spoke to his dad in private about this, and he said he was a fool, but i managed to try and turn it around. But this time i'm so tired and hot and sick and tired i can#'t be bothered.

On sunday just gone he started shouting at me telling me i'm useless and a bad mother my eldest told me at bedtime 'if you just don't speak to daddy mummy, daddy won't speak back to you and say unkind things'.

i've gone to work today but he said last night he was packing his bags and would be off.

said he was gonna stop paying the mortgage so i would get evicted (the mortgage is solely in his name) and that i would be kicked out on the streets.

i'm scared, i don't know if he's bluffing or off. I'm not exactly a spring chicken. I'm in my 40's. I love him, but I want him to stop drinking and stop blaming me. he's not the only one who works damn hard i do to, i'm not asking for a medal every time i wash up ect i just get on with what i'm doing. I want a happy life with all my family.

any advice would be grateful

OP posts:
Report
avoiretre · 24/07/2014 14:47

Sounds like you'd be better without him. What advice do you need? About the house? I would get registered with the local housing association in case that happens.

Report
Cinders12 · 24/07/2014 14:51

I would try and find a friend to talk to. Is he an alcoholic?

Report
gottachangethename1 · 24/07/2014 14:53

You poor love. Experience tells me he won't carry out this threat. Mores the pity! He knows you put up with his vile treatment of you, do everything for him & he won't give that up, despite spouting all the nonsense about you being a bad mum.
Please, please think about leaving him. This behaviour will only get worse. You will not become homeless, you have children who are entitled legally to have a roof over their heads. A consultation with a solicitor is free for half an hour. Find out where you stand financially if you leave him.
You & your children deserve so much more than this.

Report
HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 14:56

He can go if he wants to, can't he. In fact I think you should be hurrying him put the door, he sounds that horrible.

It will be ok. You will be much better off without him. But I know it's scary.

Report
chaosagain · 24/07/2014 14:57

It sounds a horrid way to live - working your fingers to the bone to just receive disrespect, abuse and live in fear if when he'll go off on one.
If it weren't for worries on housing or money, what would you want to do ? As you point out, his behaviour is noticed by (and therefore affecting) at least your oldest child, as well as the effect it has on you. What's good about your relationship with him?

Report
Castlemilk · 24/07/2014 14:59

Oh bloody nonsense about the house.

You're married. So it's not his house - tough titties! - it's yours too. First thing you do - go to CAB and ask about registering an interest in the house. He won't have the option to sell it from under you - the only thing that could happen is that he does stop paying the mortgage and the house is repossessed - and then HE loses it too. He can't get YOU out without losing the house altogether. And if that happened, you would at least get on the housing list etc.

Hopefully he will go - but it's unlikely. What, lost his cook/housekeeper/nanny and have to wipe his own bum and go shopping with a hangover? Don't think so.

Start gathering advice and money if you can - and leave him yourself. It can be done.

Report
ActingBusy · 24/07/2014 15:00

It sounds like an idle threat to me, more's the pity. From what you've written, the best thing that could happen to you right now would be if you got home and he'd packed up and fucked off.

My advice is to go see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 15:03

I'm sorry you're in such an abusive relationship. If he wants to leave then tell him to close the door on his way out, because you need time away from him to think clearly and time to get some real life support around you. His behaviour is outrageous, abusive, threatening, damaging you, damaging your children and yet you seem to think it's normal somehow and you talk of 'love'. If he stops paying the mortgage for example, it'll be his children facing eviction. There's something very wrong with a man like that.

Do you have friends and family that you could turn to for help in the first instance? You will need legal and financial advice in due course but, right now, you need emotional and practical support.

Report
Quitelikely · 24/07/2014 15:05

Please please let him go! He can't kick you out. The house is yours and you might be able to afford the mortgage on your own once you claim tax credits and he pays you maintenance. Do you want him to come back?

Report
hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2014 15:08

Do you have family or friends around you?
You need some real life support here.
He is vile. He is abusive. He is lazy. He is controlling. He is a bully. He has no respect for you. He's an alcoholic.
Why would you NOT want him to pack his bags and get him the hell out?

But... if the mortgage is in his name only then he's responsible for the payments and not you.
Get yourself to CAB for some advice regarding housing and benefits and then the CSA to see what maintenance payments he would need to make.
I think you'll find you will be much better off without him, mentally and financially.

You are in your 40's. Do you want another 40 years of this abuse?
Please contact Womens Aid and talk all this through with them.
They can help you see this for what it is.
They can also help you with an exit plan.

If you have family near by can you go and stay with them.
Leave him to the house and the mortgage.
Get to a solicitor as well and understand exactly what you are entitled to.
Which would be 50+% of the house if you are looking after the kids.

He's an absolute wanker and he treats you appallingly.
You are old enough to know this is not right and no way to live.
There is nothing about this vile creature for you to love.
Stop being in love the fantasy because that is all it was. A fantasy.
What you are living now is reality. This is who he is!
He is telling you clear as day what he is. Listen and believe him!

Get out and do it fast before he destroys you completely.

Report
magoria · 24/07/2014 17:30

I don't think you will like my advice.

Your 7 year has learned to put up and shut up, to walk on egg shells to appease a man and prevent him from being shitty to them.

Is she a DD? Is your relationship what you want for her when she grows up because guess what she is seeing modelled right now by you and your H as what a relationship should be.

Or is your eldest a DS? Do you want him treating women like this in a few years?

The only person who can stop this is you as your H sure as hell isn't going to.

Report
Purplewithred · 24/07/2014 17:34

Change the locks, quick.

Report
Jan45 · 24/07/2014 18:18

Shocking that you are allowing this man to abuse you and in front of your child, what a horrible way to raise a child.

Why are you not making plans to leave, so what if you are not a spring chicken, plenty women older than you starting again and by the way, what is wrong with being single, I'd rather be single than have to put up with an arsehole like him, it's not a case of he's better than no man, you are better with no man than thinking he's all you can have.

Seriously OP, now's the time to be strong, look to the future and enjoy your life, your situation sounds horrific.

Report
hamptoncourt · 24/07/2014 19:19

If he really is leaving I think you should be celebrating rather than mourning his departure.

He sounds awful.

Do you really want to live like this if he doesn't go? He has zero incentive to change does he?

Report
Bogeyface · 24/07/2014 20:08

If you are at work and he is getting drunk, who is looking after the children.

Please please dont tell me that he is there getting battered and in charge of the kids.

Report
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/07/2014 20:23

Let him go. You and your children will be a million times better off and happier.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.