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Relationships

My Mum is dying and I am not sure what to do.....

33 replies

Geoff0409 · 24/07/2014 13:15

We have found out 2 days ago that my Mum is dying. She is 57 years old.

She had cervical cancer 2 years ago and had drastic treatments such as Chemotherapy, Radiation and the radioactive implant that you can have. She was remarkable through it all, and after months and months started to seem a bit better. The tumour that she had did severe damage to her kidneys and kidney function.

She was due to go into hospital just over 2 weeks ago to have some tubes changed that help her kidneys. She wasn't well enough to get in the car and couldn't breathe properly, so my Brother was there and called an ambulance.

When Mum went in they said there was fluid on her lungs, and they thought an infection had got in and built and backed up fluid. When they started to drain the fluid her lung wouldn't reinflate, so that is when the tests and scans started. The fluid had shown cancer cells in it.

When they have done the scans, there are lumps on both of her lungs and also on her liver. Because of many, many issues, no treatment can be offered. The Doctor was extremely kind and my Mum even said thank you to him and shook his hand. She was the strongest out of all of us (Mum, Me, Dad and Brother). They have no idea how long she has left. My Wife made a very good point that it is actually better that we don't know exactly when, as we don't have part of our focus on a date in the future. We are just taking each day as it comes.

A Macmillan Nurse spoke to Mum yesterday, and said something along the lines of "when we come to see people, they usually have a certain amount of time left, and yours is one of the shorter ones". At that point Mum cut her off and asked her to come back another time.

Mum has never drunk or smoked and this all seems so bitterly cruel.

So far the worse thing I have had to do is tell my Nan. We are very close and my Mum is her only child. Although we knew Mum was very ill, confirming it to her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My Dad is not so good at the actual talking about it, and I hope to ease the pressure on him regarding it.

Mum and Dad wanted to put a big extension on their house, and me and my wife and children were going to move in. The Doctor asked my Mum if she would prefer to die at home or in a hospice and she said "I would like to go into a Hospice. My Grandchildren are going to move in, and I don't want them to grow up in a house that I died in". This broke my heart. She also said to my Dad yesterday "I'm not going to see my Babies grow up". This is very, very hard to take.

What worrries me more than anything is how my daughter is going to react once Mum is gone. My daughter is very close to her (my Son is too, but he is younger and I don't think will understand until later on), and while they know that their Grandmother is in Hospital, both my Daughter and Son are blissfully unware of what is happening. My Daughter is 7 and my Son is 3. I do not want them to know anything at all until afterwards.

I just don't know what to do. Up and down like a yoyo of emotions. Seeing Mum's physical health deteriorate is one thing, but seeing the mental torture it must be causing her is absolutely horrific.

Sorry for the long post, just sometimes helps a little to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Trooperslane · 24/07/2014 13:17

So sorry op.

My DM died this year too and it's so hard.

Look after yourself and hug your babies close

Thanks For you

Xxxx

Theas18 · 24/07/2014 13:19

Gosh, much hugs for you all.

I'm in a sort of similar situation I think. My Mum is probably dying, but I can't even bring myself to ask I guess.

Got a good ear and broad shoulders if you need to just post/PM .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 13:37

I'm very sorry OP, that's such a sad situation to be in. Regarding your DD, I think she's old enough to understand that Grandmother is very, very poorly. Let her get used to that idea and then gently introduce that Grandmother might not get better. Hide the truth and, when your DM dies, your DD simply isn't going to understand it. It will be a much bigger shock and it will frighten her more if someone who is supposed to be OK suddenly dies with no warning.

What I would say more generally is that your DM is alive and not dead. By which I mean, please don't write her off in advance but try to enjoy this time together and relive some good memories. It'll help you and your mother

AMumInScotland · 24/07/2014 13:39

I'm so sorry to hear of this, she's a very young age for any of you to be having to face up to an imminent death.

On a practical note, once your mum feels able to talk to them the Macmillan nurses can be a wonderful source of help - though that one seems to have been a little tactless, it may be that your mum seemed calm through the earlier part of the conversation and the nurse pitched it wrong. They try to take their cue from the patient and how much they want to talk about things openly and how much they want things to be assumed but not said.

I can see that you don't want to worry the children, but they do pick up on the worry around them so it can be kinder to say something that lets them know you are worried but that the doctors will do everything they can for her, then gently introduce the idea that not everybody gets better from what she has.

Let yourself feel what you feel, and be kind to yourself, it can certainly be a rollercoaster. We went through it with my dad but he was a lot older and we had a couple of years from diagnosis before he really went downhill so it didn't come out of the blue. It was still difficult at times to know how to feel.

Do post on here for support or just a chat. There's always people about!

Everybodyleaves · 24/07/2014 13:41

First of all, I am sorry sorry for what you are going through. I had an almost identical situation with my mum 4.5 years ago. My kids were 7 and 3 too.

She was in hospital for a week, so we all visited her there and when she moved into the hospice, although they didn't see her in the final week after we had her home in a wheelchair on Xmas Day for a few hours for dinner. I explained that granny was very, very unwell and that the hospice was a special little hospital where everybody would take special care of her for us - she deteriorated very quickly so it was obvious how unwell she was even to a 7yo. I never mentioned dying, but did explain that not even doctors can make everyone better, so it didn't come as a total shock when she died.

Take care x

nemno · 24/07/2014 13:54

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

My mum died last year, she decided that she was 'going' much sooner than she did and was in bed, at home,on a morphine driver for 3 months. My dad is now terminal and he and I want to know whether it is weeks or months (probably former). The Macmillan nurses have to juggle such diverse people that it is not surprising she got it wrong. Do use their help, once you've got over the initial shock that you are in this position they will be a marvelous help.

I am desolate too. It is amazing how little we consider this situation in advance but when you do tell people you realise just how many friends and colleagues have been there and are very willing to be a shoulder. Makes me feel guilty for not realising how hard it was for them when they experienced it.

MeridithMcMilan · 24/07/2014 13:58

It is not going to help to keep this a secret from your DC. My parents did this when my own granny was dying and I still grieve for her 40 years later.

Be as calm as you can and explein that granny is very, very ill - let them visit her. Death happens and this is a chance for them to develop resources so they will not be fearful of it.

Keep life as normal for them as possible - regular mealtimes, still going to clubs/friends etc.

And hold your Mum's hand.

HolgerDanske · 24/07/2014 14:02

I'm so sorry.

I hope that you will forgive me for this, but I just wanted to suggest that you rethink your position in telling your children. Firstly for the reason someone else has already mentioned: the children will know that something is wrong, they will sense the sadness and the stress. It can be very unsettling for a child not not know why everyone is sad and knowing something is far less scary than thinking up your own conclusions.

But also, I remember being seven. I was very close to my grandmother and I would have been heartbroken if one day she was gone without any warning and a chance for me to say goodbye. It would have been so, so difficult to get over.

Instead, maybe you might be able to lessen the pain and trauma of it by preparing her beforehand. She could make a memory box or a special notebook with memories of her days with grandma.

Again, I'm so sorry.

whatisforteamum · 24/07/2014 14:31

Hi im so very sorry to read about your Mum.Mine was diagnosed with ascites ( cancer found in fliud in lungs) and stage 4 incurable cancer then Dad was diagnosed terminal too.They had hospice at home nurses and are still with us 2 ys on.I know what you mean as mine hardly drink or smoke either.
Join macmillan cancer online as many of us carers can discuss treatments or just vent our thoughts.Also look after yourself as this is such a huge shock my heart goes out to you and your family.(you can also ring macmillan yourself just for a chat)
so sorry x

Geoff0409 · 24/07/2014 15:07

Hi All,

Thank you for your lovely replies, thoughts and advice. I do want to explain to them a little. They are aware that my Mum is in Hospital, and know that she has been in and out for some time.

I am so unsure of what time mum has that it really is just one day at a time. My Daughter has been run down in the last couple of days - my Wife has just sent me an adorable photo of her fast asleep on the Sofa.

I hope that I am kind enough in words and thoughts that I can explain things when they happen.

Of course I have not ruled out that they will see her again - Mum hopes to come home for a while at some point so there is much possibility of that happening. I was 8 when my Mum's own Dad died. I was distraught but I had known he was ill for a very long time. I am glad though that I didn't fully understand that he was dying as I would not have been able to cope with it.

I will prepare them in as best a way as I can and how we feel is most appropriate.

I haven't written Mum off at all. Far from it in fact. When she told me what the Macmillan Nurse had said, I told her that she is only going by what information she has read and seen about you, and that she doesn't know Mum as a person and how strong she is mentally and physically. You can never judge a book by it's cover.

Lost of love and thanks to all of you. It means alot when people are kind and also that other people go through much the same turmoils as you do.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Cinders12 · 24/07/2014 15:22

So sorry. My thoughts are with you

bragmatic · 24/07/2014 15:29

I'm very sorry. I went through similar with my mum.

I will say (while it was awful at the time) I consider it a privilege to have been there and holding mum's hand when she died. I wouldn't swap that moment for anything.

My oldest was 4 and loved her nana, and we explained everything in an age appropriate way. You know your kids best.

Geoff0409 · 24/07/2014 15:35

Thank you Cinders and brag.

Sorry that you had to go through that brag, but you are completely right. Thanks agin.

OP posts:
NoImSpartacus · 24/07/2014 15:44

So very sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't have any advice, but I would just like to say it's lovely that you are so close and have such a loving relationship with your mother, and that your children do as well. That is a very special thing.

x

deepest · 24/07/2014 15:44

Hi OP,

I am so sorry for you and your family. I have been in your shoes with my Mum - she went from diagnosis to death in 7 weeks and never got out of hospital after initial surgery as she was too ill to go to a hospice - so she died on a cancer ward. You are right to take each day as it comes - different things happened each day - sometimes things settled and we thought we could get her home and hours later something else went wrong. So as someone said above it can very much be a roller coaster.

All you can do is to just try to make you mother as physically comfortable as possible we took in egyptian cotton bedlinen to the ward and we did all of her personal care....footspas etc.

If your Dad is not taking it all in can you should make sure that you get briefed by someone each day (try for it to be the same person) - so that you will know where things are at. I do think that you should chat to the team to gauge if they are talking days, weeks or months - although it will not be accurate it is really important that you have a ball park.

Our children did come in and out and this brightened up my mother's day immensely. I would ask your Mum what she wants. We didnt position it as the big goodbye because we did not know we were at the final stages until 5 hrs before.....the children were great with her just thought she was in bed a bit poorly - we didnt tell them she was dying at anytime - because until 5 hrs before she wasnt.

I wish you calmness and strength for this hideous time.

weegiemum · 24/07/2014 15:44

I'm so sorry to hear this. My dh is a GP who does terminal care at home and I hope your mum will be cared for by a team who will give her the care best for her, and you all. Macmillan care for family as well, don't be afraid to ask for help for yourself too.

I've never needed to use them, but Winston's Wish here have lots of resources for helping to explain death to children. They're regularly recommended on here.

whatisforteamum · 24/07/2014 15:47

I told my 2 kids Nanny was ill and now i wonder if i unduly worried them as she has outlived prognosis but kids pick up on things and as the situation was quite dire for mum then dad i felt they would be more upset kept in the dark then either one passed away.All i would say is drip feed the information as yours are so young,im sure there are childrens story books on this topic too.

hell2theno · 24/07/2014 15:48

OP my mum died of cancer last year. It happened quite rapidly in the end. She became extremely breathless and was taken to A&E. After that she ended up in ICU on an oxygen mask for a week. At which point she took the unbearably brave decision to end support by the mask and we all said our goodbyes and sat with her while she died.

The thing I wished more than anything is that she could have been at home. Please, please seize the support of Macmillan so that she can be supported at home, or in a hospice. If you let events overtake you she could end up in a hospital ward and it is the last place she will want to be. We always one step behind what was happening. It was a harrowing and desperate situation.

You may want to ask your mum again if she really would prefer to be in a hospice or if she is choosing it out of a sense of nobility. My mum cried out in hospital to be taken home and I could do nothing for her. It breaks my heart even now to remember it.

I know you are focusing on the effects on your children but they are very young and will have immense capacity to cope and adapt to this situation. Your children will lose a grandparent, but this is your mum, and your dad's wife - you will suffer far, far more grief than them. Spend as much time as you can with your mum, make sure you all tell her you love her, and do everything you can to make the end as peaceful and as comfortable as possible.

I'm so sorry for you, much, much love to you and your mum Thanks

Geoff0409 · 24/07/2014 16:53

You are so very kind all of you. It is definitely a roller coaster.

Everyone seems to have different ways of trying to muddle on a bit and if me managing to talk to people and explain things on the family's behalf then I will take it on. My brother is also fantastic.

It is slightly different for me as my Brother still lives at Home with my Mum and Dad, so they are somewhere that she always is - I don't live far away but am in a house that while my Mum visits regularly, she doesn't live in. My Dad and Brother are being great, and as far as I am aware are getting the house shipshape for when Mum can come home. I am trying to go into work and the other day Mum gave me a right bollocking for having the day off!!

I am off tomorrow though so will go over and help in whatever way I can.

I am actually quite good at cleaning and tidying, and nobody has ever been unhappy either at work, at home, or at Mum and Dad's if I have got the hoover out.

Thanks again for all of your help everyone.

OP posts:
velourvoyageur · 24/07/2014 17:20

I'm so sorry my lovely Thanks it sounds incredibly hard.

I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you want to talk about anything at all.

You sound like a very close and lovely family by the way, so I'm glad you have that.

mike07 · 24/07/2014 18:57

My mum passed 3 years ago with lung cancer and PHT, talk about unlucky. We were told many times that this was it and to say our goodbyes but she had different idea's and defied the odds everytime.
She was a very strong woman, in the end she lived another 5 years without treatment before she passed at home. She insisted on that and was surrounded by her family.

Use the McMillan nurses as their knowledge and experience is second to none, they were amazing and i can't thank them enough for the help and advice they gave.

As for the kids just tell them enough so they understand that granny is poorly it's surprising how much they understand.

My thoughts to you and your family.

HumblePieMonster · 24/07/2014 19:12

Tears for you here, and for your family, and for your mum, OP. May love enfold you all at this time of change.

Stuffofawesome · 24/07/2014 19:20

Sorry you are all dealing with this. The hospice will help you and your family. There will be support for the children too. Winston's wish are helpful with bereavement and children. Their uave online stuff and a helpline. Children who are kept in the loop in an age appropriate way and given choices eg. Whether to see your mum when she is unwell tend to do better. Surround your mum with love.

Rainicorn · 24/07/2014 19:30

So sorry to hear about your mum Op. So sorry you are all going through this. Cancer is such a bastard.

My DFIL died 6 years ago from oesophagus cancer that had spread to his liver and stomach. It was only 4 weeks from his diagnosis to his death, it was such an awful time but I am so glad that I was there with him in his final days. I nursed him and was there when he died. We never got as far as Macmillan nurses as it was all pretty quick.

My oldest DS was almost 5 when his grandad died and it was very hard for him at first as they were the best of friends. Given his age we didn't go into great detail about his grandad being ill but we did let him know that he was very poorly and when he did die we broke it to him as gently as we could.

Wishing you and your family peace and strength for the painful days weeks and months that lie ahead Flowers

Geoff0409 · 25/07/2014 00:04

Up late this evening as I had a complete and total meltdown tonight while talking with my Wife.

I also have been noticing I seem to get agitated at small things and not so about bigger things?

Anyway we visited Mum tonight and my Wife came with us. She has been a bit unwell and hadn't been until now. Mum was much quieter. As I said before it is more the mental torture that she is going through seems to be the hardest thing to see.

I took the brave decision (I think) to ask Mum if she'd like to see the kids and she said yes that would be nice. I honestly didn't know if she'd say yes or no or if it could be in any way insensitive, but wouldn't have forgiven myself if I hadn't asked. I am pleased she said yes. We are going in the afternoon visiting time tomorrow. A pain in my heart and knot in my stomach will follow but I feel it is the best thing to do.

My Nan (Mum's Mum) is coming on saturday for a little while too (she lives quite far away and my Step-Grandad can't be by himself for too long (Mum's Dad died many years ago when I was about 8). Looks like a tough weekend for all. He always says that in life you go through Fire and Water, and that is how you harden steel.

Thanks again to everyone on here for being so kind.

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