How to keep my head while living under same roof as ex

[what2eatwhenurbored]

After 10 years of trying & 3 months of very painful discussions and denial, my husband and I are separating. He has found a flat now but is very much lagging behind in the decision so I feel it has taken all my energy to get to this point. He basically emotionally and physically is unavailable and can be quite bullying. Completely controlling with money.

So in our current 1 and a half bed flat + study is a tense home to us and our 2 year old son until his new flat is ready to be moved into. We live hundreds of miles from (unsupportive) family and friends. I have build new friendships in last 18 months.

He claims he has no friends or family nearby to get to work he also works 50% from home so I'm basically spending every evening in the bedroom counting the hours down to an unfixed moving date. I go out when I can but feel I'm often wandering the streets for another coffee when I'm shattered and want to be at home getting on with life.

DH leaves for work abroad each year, several weeks and months at a time Sept-April so I know that either way flat or flight he'll be gone from this city in 5-6 weeks but I'm worried I'll be hysterical by then.

He won't let me tell anyone about the separation yet either.

I'm so in limbo and about to take on huge study/work commitments in September with a 'summer' that has been absolutely dreadful.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Have you taken legal advice or got the ball rolling with the divorce? It's really not up to him to forbid you from telling others that you're separated. You mention bullying... are you frightened of him?

[hellsbellsmelons]

He won't let me tell anyone about the separation yet either
WTAF does that mean?
He won't LET you!!!
Fuck that.
You need some support now. Ignore him.
He does NOT control you anymore.
Time to take your own life in your hands and live it how you want to.
Confide in friends and family.
I know 1st hand how bloody awful it is suffering all this.

For me to get through it, I went to the gym most evenings.
Had a good workout. Steam, sauna, swim, shower and then went home as late as possible.
I left Ex to have our DD in the evenings. He was moving abroad anyway so my justification was that he needed to spend as much time with her as possible before he left.
I then spend most weekends with my family and left him at home on his own.

When he was gone the relief was huge!
Hang on in there. Loads of us have survived this and you will too!

[what2eatwhenurbored]

Thanks! I haven't started the divorce. I'm thinking short term living arrangements and awaiting decsions on my entitlements etc from him and state etc. I've not been entitled to council tax reductions or tax credits for example as his salary was too much yet I never really saw any of his salary. This feels like financial freedom and if i'd tried this while married he would have shouted or blanked me.

I'm intimidated by him. Not so much it's stopped me getting him out but just that I'm so uncomfortable in my living space.

I have started to tell a few people. I still feel I can't take of my ring until he does. He is in denial but in a controlling way. he walks around like a wounded puppy. He will always used his job that takes him away at v short notice to get out of commiting to childcare so I can have a life and make plans. I know that won't change so much when we're separated but I can manage alone at least I'll be happy.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Please talk to Womens Aid and get some advice on where to find a solicitor that specialises in cases where bullying control or domestic abuse is present. You have to bring this horrible set of circumstances to an end quickly and safely.

[what2eatwhenurbored]

Hi HellsbellM - thanks so much for that - sounds v v v similar! I too (having not been able to go for months) am leaving him in the evenings to go to the gym myself it's not a bad way of killing time. You're right I should hang in there - it will happen. His STUFF will eventually be gone and I think I might pass out with relief.
He is away this weekend and I will be telling nursery when I go to collect my son about the separation.

We have a joint wedding in a few weeks with a really old group of friends and I kind of agree I don't want to go to public until after that. I have told about 6 people including my boss and I do feel a bit more supported now.

[what2eatwhenurbored]

Thanks I will - CogitoES

[louby44]

I lived with my ex for 2 months (Dec-Jan) after our split. Thankfully we had a large enough house to make it bearable - but it was a truly horrible time and with Christmas thrown into that it was very stressful.

Thankfully we had separate bedrooms & living areas. He met someone 3 weeks after we split - she was/is a cleaner where he worked so he didn't come home most evenings till 8.30pm; I presume he would stay whilst she did her cleaning job and they would leave and kiss/shag in his car??

We kept out of each others way as best we could. I refused to cook/wash clothes for him (he hated that) and at weekends I would go to my parents/friends.

I too was intimidated by him, I remember standing in the kitchen making a drink with my hands shaking. I also recorded any interactions between us on my phone!

He left to rent with his new gf and her 2 kids on Feb 7th and the relief was immense. I'm still living in the house (it's up for sale) but you certainly have my sympathy. It's not a nice situation.

[what2eatwhenurbored]

Thanks Louby44, I hear you re. the kitchen interaction. It's horrible feeling. I'm so glad you survived and felt relief when it ended.

It all helps me get through this 'bit'!

[Pippinlongsocks]

I was in a similar situation last year for around 9 months. It is hard but I used running and walking as a way of staying out of the house. I put a running/walking app on my phone and focussed on increasing my fitness levels. When in the house I plugged myself into my iPod. Listened to inspirational songs that made me feel upbeat and strong and self help & relaxation recordings for the long hours spent waiting in my bedroom. I made a scrapbook of how I wanted my new home to be decorated. I didn't have any money to go out so tried to distract myself with as many small free activities that I could. Impicked up a couple of pieces of cheap furniture that I upcycled. You will get to the end of it, I know it's hard but just keep focussing on your new life ahead and how strong you have been to get to this point. Nothing stays the same for ever. Me and my DS are so much happier now and you will be too. Exercise kept me sane and I dropped a size too!! The key is busy busy busy even when you do feel tired. If you feel exhausted though take the opportunity to go to bed early to sleep without feeling guilty!! Good luck.

[ravenmum]

I felt like I was going mad at that stage. Mine didn't hurry either, would innocently sit on the settee texting his woman and I was supposed to put on a polite act because it was "his house and he had a right to live there". One day, to give him a taste of his own creepy medicine, I went and sat on the settee next to him, put my hand on his knee and gave him a kiss. He didn't like that. I said he was "my husband and I had a right to do it". Stupid thing to do but he did hurry up a bit more after that!

[what2eatwhenurbored]

thanks both of you, only just read this! I think I have 14 days to go now!!

I am getting into gym and enjoying films!

V amusing ravenmum!