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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just found out DP has cheated

39 replies

Heartbroken1 · 24/07/2014 10:52

Hi all,

I have just found out my DP of 6 years has cheated on me 5 times in the past year with a range of other women and men!

I am beyond shocked. My world has just fallen down around me. I was aware things had changed in our relationship over the past year or so. Dp has become very withdrawn and would often cancel nights out and visits to my family at the last minute, saying he was too busy. But I just thought he was stressed out with work.

To make matters worse, we moved to this part of the country for his work and in the time I have been here I still haven't made any friends who I can talk to. I miss my family dreadfully!

We have recently been TTC our first and I think this is why he has come clean when questioned.

I can't stop crying, my whole life has changed in a matter of minutes of me returning from a work trip! I felt that he was being weird while I was away, not texting and calling like usual so confronted him and he told me he had been on the internet searching for prostitutes but "it was ok because I didn't go through with it!" I then spent the evening searching his emails and it all came out.

Every time I have been away over the past year he has cheated on me. 3 out of the 5 times he brought them to our house! He has admitted that he was chatting to the people online and met with them, but completely denying anything happened. Funnily enough I do not believe him.

I have no idea what to do. I am tied into another year's contract at work and with the house (which I cannot afford on my own). I am stuck living with this man I can't even look at!

To make matters worse, he is not an EU national and I currently sponsor his visa for him to live and work in this country. Obviously if we separate the Home Office would need to be informed and he would have to leave the country. Unfortunately for him he has no where else to go, his family are spread around the world, he has never lived in the country where he is a national of and has lived in the UK since he has 17.

I can't stay with him, that much I do know, but I can't kick the man I love back to a country he knows nothing about with no savings (he has borrowed a substantial amount of money from my personal savings over the years to pay for visas etc, so currently has no savings of his own.)

What should I do?

OP posts:
mampam · 24/07/2014 11:01

Sorry this has happened to you. I would immediately request that he seeks alternative accommodation as I think you need the space to get your head around this and make decisions as to what to do next.
I understand where you are coming from re: his Visa but remember you do hold all the cards. He surely knew the consequences of his actions. If he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with you he should have broken off the relationship in the correct way instead of putting you through this pain and hurt.
Give yourself some time and make sure he gives you the space you need.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2014 11:02

Wow - what a revelation. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Firstly, stop worrying about him.
He was certainly not worrying or thinking about you while he was off shagging all and sundry was he?

Then get yourself to your local gum clinic and get STI checked. He has been sleeping with men as well so you need to make this an absolute priority.

Stop allowing him access to any of your savings.
Talk to CAB and find out what you can do about your living situation.
You say you are tied into the house. For how long and why are you tied into it? Can you give notice? Talk to your LL to see if there is a way out early.

Stop sponsoring him. Tell the home office you are separating.
What happens to him after that is now none of your concern.

Think about yourself now.
Stop thinking about him.

Can you talk to work to see if it's possible to work from home and move back to your family and friends to get the love and support you need to get you through this?
Make sure you confide in family and friends, even if it's just phone support for now.

Thanks for you and Wine later!

Castlemilk · 24/07/2014 11:05

How about instead of 'kicking the man you love back to a country he knows nothing about', you kick 'the absolute cunt who has taken you for a fool and treated you like shit on his shoe back to a country he knows nothing about'? That sounds much better.

Perhaps you could threaten him with informing the Home Office unless he pays back the money he stole from you (that's right - stole - it certainly wasn't borrowed in good faith) - get as much possible back, and then report him anyway?

You know that if you'd married this guy and he'd got permanent leave to remain, he'd have left you without a backward glance? - probably after fleecing you of everything he could?

What is it about this scum you love, exactly? Because if it's the fake man you thought he was - start telling yourself that this man, your love, simply does not exist. He was made up.

I'm so sorry.

LIZS · 24/07/2014 11:06

Risk he took, so out he goes , sorry. He has been using you and has shown little respect, let alone love, in his actions . Just thank goodness you aren't pg. Did he use protection, even if he says he did get yourself checked out.

Theselittlelightsofmine · 24/07/2014 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guiltypleasures001 · 24/07/2014 11:08

Op cut your losses and run back to the arms of your family, he has used you and your money to hurt you in the worst way. Get checked for any sti's pack your stuff when he isn't around give notice to your job and inform the home office.

He deserves nothing from you but your Contempt and turned back, please think of yourself he doesn't love you he loved what you could do for him. Why would you care where he lives now or how it effects you, he wasn't thinking that for you while he was shagging around. Not having kids with him has allowed you to dodge a huge bullet.

Sorry your going through all of this Thanks

DreamingofSummer · 24/07/2014 11:08

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position but I agree 100% with what castle said.

Kick his arse out today!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/07/2014 11:12

What a reptile.

Sorry OP he was quick enough to sleep around every time you were out of sight so I don't doubt for a minute he'll be enterprising enough to find someone else to sponge off. Please kick him out and don't lose sleep over his accommodation/money issues.

Please get yourself checked health-wise first and foremost.

BeCool · 24/07/2014 11:16

His immigration issues are his problem. HIS problems!!

Your problems are untangling yourself from this liar and user PDQ. Please don't give him another penny.

I fear this man has been taking you for an absolute ride the last 6 years - you were the one who would provide him with a good life and a pass into EU/Britain all the while funding him. He has stopped playing the game properly by all these affairs, but thank goodness he did in a way because now you can see who he really is, instead of further down the track. Take the blinkers off and see the reality.

Also when you confronted him he lied, and then minimised - typical cheater behaviour. You need to be prepared that he has been unfaithful for much longer than the last year.

Very sorry you are going through this. First steps are to ensure he has no access to any money from you, he needs to move out now, and you need to get checked out for STD's etc.

Re affording the house, is it a rental? Could you get a boarder/flatmate in for the duration of the tenancy? You no doubt won't want to think about this now, but it is a solution that will work and get you through the next year.

Finola1step · 24/07/2014 11:16

Kick him out. Go back to your family. This cocklodger will bleed you dry emotionally as well as financially.

In time, you will be grateful that you didn't bring dc into this mess. His visa problem is no longer your concern. He made that decision the moment he had sex with a n other.

What a horrible time for you OP. Keep posting. Flowers

Phalenopsis · 24/07/2014 11:23

he has borrowed a substantial amount of money from my personal savings over the years to pay for visas

This has got me worried. Are you his cash cow? Has he been using you for a visa? I hope not.

Anyway, fuck him. He has made his bed now he can lie in it. Ask him to leave, contact the Home Office and a solicitor (preferably one who has experience of marriages between UK and non-EU nationals).

mindyourown1 · 24/07/2014 11:25

Blimey - I would speak to your employer sharpish, then the Home Office and an STI clinic. I know this is a huge shock to you but you need to act. And I agree with others - do not give him another penny, he is no longer your problem. Get him out and away from you now. And get back to your friends and take care of yourself. Your only priority is yourself now.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/07/2014 11:43

Phalenopsis OP doesn't refer to him as DH only DP so hopefully they aren't married.

Phalenopsis · 24/07/2014 11:54

Hellsbellsmelons - well spotted.

Jan45 · 24/07/2014 11:55

You should let him face the consequences of his own actions, it's not your problem anymore, he has shat on you constantly so can't possibly expect you to support him in anything from this day on.

It's really quite simple, extricate yourself from this horrible, horrible man.

FrankSaysNo · 24/07/2014 11:59

he is not an EU national and I currently sponsor his visa for him to live and work in this country.

He's using you. I'm sorry. But he is.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 12:02

I'm so sorry that you're in this horrible situation. I think you need some time to come to terms with what has happened and time to properly process your emotions. You're in shock at the moment, you're not thinking particularly straight on the visa issue, and ideally you need to be with people you can rely on and who will support you. At the very least, you should tell this man to pack his bags. No, you don't want to be trapped in a house with him. Hell.

Then ask others for help. Tell work there is a personal crisis, talk to the landlord if you're going to struggle to pay the rent. People can be very accommodating if you ask for help.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 24/07/2014 13:02

Send the snivelling little shit weasel back to his pit.

He isnt the man you love, he's a time wasting, cock lodging, pile of toxic filth, who invented a man to obtain your money and affection.

nugget05 · 24/07/2014 13:05

He didn't care about you while he was running around with other people so why should you worry about what happens to him? Every time you feel even the slightest bit of guilt remember what he's done to you. How many bedrooms does your house have? You could try to get in a lodger if you have an extra room that could help with costs and help you get to know someone in the area/make a friend. You can do this and you'll get through it and come out of the other side a stronger person Thanks have a wine (if that's your tipple of choice) and relax

Heartbroken1 · 24/07/2014 13:10

Thank you all so much for your support, it really means a lot. Just being able to explain how I am feeling and hear confirmation that what I am not being unreasonable by kicking him out.

Just got back from the STI clinic- 2 week wait for results! And have to be retested next week and in 11 weeks time.I burst into tears at the clinic and explained everything, just saying it out loud really helped. I bloody hate blood tests too.

I still can't believe he has done this to me. I know a lot of you are saying he was with me for the visa, but it was my idea to go along that route (in september last year) rather than be sponsored by a company and tied into a job. Maybe deep down I thought he would be more committed to me. At the beginning of the relationship he was all for getting married, but over the past year or so has said that he doesn't want to just get married because people would think he was just after the visa.

We live in a rental, and only last month did we renew for another year because the LL was putting pressure on us to decide if we were staying. I have managed to get some time off from work and I am going back home tomorrow- although I will need to come back for my retests.

The only issue now is that I don't know if I want my family to know all the ins and outs and judge me for being so stupid! I can't imagine anything worse than telling my mum, 'oh btw the man that you adored and thought I was going to marry turned out be a complete dick and has cheated on me with men!!'

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 13:15

Please credit your mum with more sense and compassion than you appear to be doing. She may have adored him but you're her DD and I guarantee she would lay down her life rather than let anyone hurt a hair of your head. Swallow your pride, tell her the truth and then god help the little bastard....

Finola1step · 24/07/2014 13:17

Tell your family what you want to tell them.

But when I had a messy break up many moons ago, I told my close family everything. It was a good way of making sure I didn't go back to the swine. Thank goodness. Then met dh, been together 16 years, 2 dc.

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Mostlyjustaluker · 24/07/2014 13:20

Speak to the your landlord and ask him if he is willing to look for a new tenant.

It was your partners decision to go for a spousal visa and his decision to sleep around with multi people in your bed.

Please tell us you are considering staying with him?

Jan45 · 24/07/2014 13:25

Your mum will not think you are stupid, she will think you are brave for getting away from such a sleaze ball of a man.

Fontella · 24/07/2014 13:25

Castlemilk

I am loving that reply!!!

Nothing to add - you've said it all.

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