Family not close - worth maintaining LDR?

[ravenmum]

I'd put this on the "expat" forum but it applies to any LDR really.

Went through a hard time this year with infidelity and a break-up after 21 years, with my husband moving out while I was in hospital for a non-deadly but painful operation. A couple of months later it was my birthday. During this time I had two phone calls from my mother, including one on my birthday, when (hearing me crying) she said "Are you still not over it yet?". We don't have any emotional connection really. I have two half-sisters. My mother has apparently kept them up to date on what's been going on. No messages from them during any of this time, no card on my birthday.

My sisters are a lot younger than me; I moved to the other side of the country when they were children, then moved abroad over 20 years ago so we've never been close. We meet every couple of years and get on well, but don't stay in touch much. I've always sent them birthday/Xmas cards and presents on time, but it's always been a bit like I'm an aunty: they don't always do the same.

I have a half-brother on my dad's side and he's even younger. When he was 18 I stopped sending him any more presents as I'd never heard back whether he'd got them, or liked them. As we saw each other even less it felt a bit silly. I'm thinking I should stop doing it with my sisters too. They're grown women and I'm not their aunty.

I'm on holiday near my family next week and am supposed to be meeting up with them, but am wondering if I should even bother. I didn't expect actual support from them, but am surprised there's been little or no contact. It's driven it home to me that there's no relationship there at all really. All they get from me is presents; I can't offer anything else either. Is there any point in staying in touch?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I find distance can be a barrier to even the best relationship. With your siblings you've got other hurdles such as 'half' status, big age-gaps and so on. They've never been close to you by the sound of it and I can't see it improving if you're not even in the same country. Siblings IMHO are always optional.

Parents are a slightly different matter, I think. Moving away from them as you did might have led them to believe that you wanted to be isolated. They might even have introduced some emotional distance as a way to cope with the physical distance. I don't know how much you've told them about your relationship breakdown but they may think that it's your business and be reluctant to interfere. I know when my DB and his exW split up I felt like I was intruding on private grief.

I suppose you should also examine your own behaviour. Did you regularly get in touch before the break-up or were communications patchy and then you expected others to gather round when you were having a hard time?

[ravenmum]

I've told my mother quite a lot, but from my aunt I heard that she thinks I'm dealing with it well. So I guess that while I feel I'm being almost indiscreet in the amount of detail I'm offering, and feel like a drama queen in the emotion I'm giving away, that it may not come across that way to others. But also, she has no tools for dealing with emotion herself, so is (partly) seeing what she wants to see.

I've always kept in touch with my sisters, but only on birthdays, Xmas etc as we had no tradition of chatting on the phone; when I left home they were aged 8 and 9. Facebook has given us a chance to "chat" over the past few years, so we haven't been entirely out of touch. When one sister had a baby I heard that she was finding it hard work, and phoned her up a few times for a chat, and tried to send her gifts that might cheer her up and help her out. But it's always been awkward as we don't know each other well.

As I say, I didn't expect them to support me - but not hearing from either of them on my birthday, when they could guess I might feel like shit, has made me realise that maybe it is just pointless to keep in touch at all, if we don't have anything to offer one another.

[ravenmum]

Is it worth maintaining a distant relationship when all you get out of your odd meetings is the sad reminder that you don't know one another well? What reason is there to stay in touch, if any?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You come across as very independent and it's clear you never had much of a relationship with your family. For similar reasons to you (I relocated) I have a vast extended family that I have very little to do with. I must say, in hindsight, I think I've missed out purely on the grounds of 'out of sight is out of mind'. There's no actual animosity. I used to think it was pointless to keep in touch but, as I get older, I find I appreciate the contact I do have. FB mostly :)

[Quitelikely]

I say stay in touch. This is your family and I think we have an innate desire to feel part of one. It's not really anyone's fault that things have turned out this way as such but a lack of effort and circumstance have got in the way.

I think you're feeling unsupported but because they're so young I doubt they understand the heartache you suffered recently. I'm thinking they're in their early twenties.

Your mother doesn't understand with by the looks if it but families all seem to have their own problems and are rarely perfect or what we want them to be.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

It sounds like you're really hurting. And cutting contact is tempting because of it.

How was your relationship growing up with your Mum and Dad?

If you wanted to work hard and contact your sisters more than just birthdays and Christmas you may grow closer? But I appreciate that may seem like a lot of hard work on your part.

I think being in another country and having hardly seen them in 20 years may make you seem like a very remote figure but there's no reason you can't change things if you wanted.

I found your mothers comment about still not being over it, quite thoughtless. A marriage breakdown takes a long time to get over.

I am wondering if there's more to your family dynamics and why you chose to move so far away many years ago.

[ravenmum]

I didn't intend to stay away so long, mainly moved to get a bit of adventure and language practice for my job, but also as I needed to go somewhere - couldn't move back into my old home after uni as my old bedroom had been reoccupied. And I felt I needed to be independent rather than relying on my stepfather to pay for me (though he would have done willingly). Then I met my husband and stayed abroad.

Maybe I just feel like this now as I'm seeing all relationships as being worth less than I thought, same as that with my husband; it all seems like a pointless facade. I wouldn't want to hurt them by announcing that I was cutting contact - we get on fine, there's no reason to be hurtful - but I'm not looking forward to next week, talking about superficial stuff because we don't have enough of a relationship to discuss anything else. Telling them about practical things that will probably give the impression I've got it all sorted out, because it would just be too awkward if I expressed any sadness. Why am I putting myself and them in that situation? I was even thinking of claiming that the holiday has been cancelled, they wouldn't know any better! But perhaps I am just in a bad mood and will enjoy it when we meet up.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Relationships generally need attention if they are to develop. What happened with your ex was obviously horrible, couldn't be helped and has left you with a bitter taste in the mouth. Family are a little different to partners. You have a chance of a better relationship with them but, from as cold a start as you describe, it's going to take a lot of effort and application. Perhaps, rather than talking about your problems, you might find it more enjoyable if you make the visit more about getting to know them again as people?

[HayDayQueen]

The relationship will only develop if both sides want it to.

It doesn't sound as though they are willing to put the effort into it, so I can't see it developing, sadly.

But, I would still say 'go and meet them'. Because later on in life your DC may want to meet their cousins, extended family. It's fun meeting distant relations, even if you are only ever in touch every few years. For yourself, just think of them as friendly distant relations. Don't take 'sister' or anything like that onto it. If it was a second cousin you had only met a couple of times how would you talk to them? How would you talk to acquaintances at a party, or school mums at the school gate? Talk to your sisters like that - slightly impersonal but friendly.

I live on the other side of the world, and I know that when my DParents pass on, there are only 2 siblings that I would stay in touch with regularly out of many more. Simply because they are the only ones who give a damn about what's going on in my life. They make the effort of booking some time off when I visit, we Skype, and chat frequently, etc.

But when I go back I do enjoy catching up with all of my cousins (I have a lot!!!!). In fact the get togethers are one of the highlights of my time there, and some of my cousins have DC my age, so there is quite an age gap. It doesn't matter later on in life though. It's fun.