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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I can't move on after he left me. Please tell me there is hope.

94 replies

feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 00:35

I’m going to put this into a list form to try and make it easier to write as my head is a bit of a mess and it’s complicated. Thanks for anyone who reads.

  1. I was engaged to a man with children, loved him and his kids very much. We were happy and everything was good.

  2. We were a couple for almost 4 years. Living together for 2. Engaged for 1. Would have been married three weeks ago.

  3. I also have a child (11) who lived with us, so a blended family and everyone got on really well.

  4. 8 months ago he came to me with the speech of “I am sorry, I can’t go ahead with this” and after that he left that night. There was not much conversation, as I thought it was a joke. He left me with a house I could not afford and just moved out without even talking to me beyond a 5 minute announcement. Found out there was an OW a few days later.

  5. Him and the OW were together a couple of months and that’s all, as far as I understand from people she was a shag and nothing serious, he never moved in with her.

  6. He changed from being lovely to me to be horrible the day he left. Told lies to everyone about our lives and why he did what he did, he cut me off financially overnight, he told me I had made him miserable and he had put up with me for so long and his behavior was my fault.

  7. I have not seen step kids since the day he left. Neither has my DC. No one got to say goodbye.

  8. I found out afterwards he had a sort of double life for the last year where he was shagging around with hookers.

    So that is the summary of what happened, and 8 months later I feel I should be further on from where I am but I feel so incredibly lost and hopeless.

    I have days where I feel okay and times were I feel happiness but I mostly keep myself busy so I can’t think.

    I just want to understand how or why he did what he did. I can't seem to find emotional closure. I knew him very well, he was known for being a particularly good person and he was always great to me and the kids. It was the best and happiest relationship I ever had.

    People tell me I almost married a monster, but I am not sure how that is supposed to feel better because he was the closest I have ever been to anyone in my life. If he was a monster, what does that mean for me?

    I am still struggling financially, rent was due a week ago and could not pay it. I just avoid emails from landlord. I have constant stress with childcare etc. as my job and life was based around us being a team.

    I can barely function in my job still and where I used to be known for being the best I am now a liability. I leave everything to the last minute and have several late payment notices on my credit file now.

    I live away from my friends because I relocated for him and I know I have to move back to where my friends and family are but can’t afford to and also feel frozen / scared and completely incapable of moving in any direction.

    I have dated, but it just made me feel more alone and I behaved like a crazy person expecting them to love me after 5 minutes or accusing them of cheating on me when they blinked in the wrong direction.

    My DC misses his “family” and has had emotional problems since this happened. I am not a good Mum anymore. I want to be but I am so sad all the time I feel like every day is just surviving and I don’t know how to “play” anymore.

    I hate myself all the time. I feel ugly and worthless and like I want to die and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again. I feel like my DC would be better off without me.

    I want to move on and have a new life, but I have no idea how to do it.

    There is 50% of me that misses him so badly, and misses my best friend and wants to talk to him or get a hug or a kiss from him and then the other half of me remembers he doesn't exist really.

    I read stories on here all the time of husbands and men who walk out like this leaving women shocked, and I read about them doing it after 40 years of marriage and being equally cruel and I know that it could be so much worse.

    Please can anyone tell me that it will be better again one day. I am so tired of life and just want to give up now.
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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 00:44

Also to add here. Before I agreed to go out with my ex there was another man I had equally strong feelings for and I chose my ex because he seemed to be offering a more stable life for me and DC and the other man is a pilot and travels a lot.

However this other man has been contacting me numerous times since the split, offering sympathy and telling me I picked the wrong man etc. and that he would have treated me right and that he loves me etc. but the problem is he has since married someone else.

I have to confess I am feeling so low that I am tempted, becaue I just need someone to tell me they love me and to be cuddled but I know doing something with him would make me hate myself even more.

I know this is an awful thing to confess thinking about but I just feel so low I almost stopped caring.

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handfulofcottonbuds · 24/07/2014 00:48

Oh love, I am so sorry to read your post and it has brought tears to my eyes as it resonates with me. I am almost a year on from my stbxh leaving me for OW. The first 6 months almost killed me but I'm still here - and happy.

It does get easier, trust me. It's hard for you with not having your friends around as it seems that's what you need.

He is not the man you thought he was, that man has gone sadly. My stbxh turned incredibly cruel to me out of the blue too. It hurt so much, I really do sympathise and it doesn't matter whether you have been together 4 years or 40 years, the pain is real.

Have you seen a doctor? I'm guessing you're not in the UK from your post but I spoke to the Samaritans for many nights, is there an equivalent where you are?

Can you take some time off work and start to take baby steps in getting yourself better? Surely being at work is not helping you and it sounds like it is adding to your stress.

I'd also put a hold on the dating, it will make you feel worse and you will know when you are ready to date again. Dating will not help you get over him, you have to be emotionally ready for that.

Your 11 year old needs his Mum so much. Hold him/her close, you will get strength from him/her.

You are definitely not alone, so many of us have been through it. I wanted the healing process to hurry up as the pain was unbearable but it is something you need to go through I'm afraid and you will be stronger for it. I promise you xxx

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handfulofcottonbuds · 24/07/2014 00:51

Don't see this pilot, you wouldn't want to cause another woman the pain you are going through and I mean that in the kindest way.

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Justrestinginmyaccount · 24/07/2014 00:58

Oh OP, this post has made me feel so sad. My heart goes out to you it really does.

My ex fiancée left 2 and a half years ago, and I haven't seen him since. He turned cruel just like your ex has. I think they have to in order to protect themselves from acknowledging what absolute heartless bastards they are.

The pain is crushing, absolute and beyond description. It does get better but it takes time. Even now I have days where I feel my "real" life ended when he left. You have to take baby steps, and just keep going one day at a time. I agree with Hand; you need to try and take some time off work, and get some breathing space so you can start making future plans. Go visit your friends, talk to them, lean on them for support.

Do NOT get involved with this married man though. He is an utter shit for saying those things to you when he is with someone else. It looks like you dodged at least one bullet with him to be frank. Dating is not the answer for you right now; it will only make things feel worse. You need time alone to heal before you even think of letting another man into your life.

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AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2014 00:59

I'm so so sorry you are going through this. It will get better, but it will take time and some work. Have you sought counseling? It was a big, big help to me when I went through my bad breakup. It helped me understand myself and the choices I needed to make to be happy again. It also helped me to understand that trying to understand why HE did what he did was really irrelevant to my getting better. I realized that it didn't matter why he left, all that mattered was that I could heal and move on from it.

I agree w/PP, if you can take some time off work to regroup yourself, that might be a good idea. But really, seek counseling. It's amazing how the right counselor can really help you understand your feelings and 'put them where they belong' so you can move on. You WILL be happy again.

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 01:03

Thank you for reading and replying, and I am really sorry this happened to you as well. I usually live in the UK but came away to stay with friends for a month to try and get myself together (I spent our "wedding day" alone and it pushed me to rock bottom) so have taken leave from work and am pretty sure I am due to get the sack anyway.

I am not convinced that makes things better though as the free time seems to have me thinking even more about it all. Being with our friends without him or my step kids feels so strange and sad.

I know you are right about the pilot. I was confessing it as I need to hear people telling me that doing that would make me as bad as him, which I'd never want to be.

I have passed the phase where the pain in unbearable now. At first I don't know how I lived through each day, but as it goes I feel like it becomes more real as the shock wears off I feel like my life is a nightmare I want to wake up from.

I can't imagine even 20 years down the road ever feeling okay about this.

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 01:04

Sorry, cross posted there. That's exactly how I feel, like my "real" life ended and where I am now is no man's land.

Yes, I had counselling, have done it all. I just feel dirty and like it can't ever be washed clean.

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Bogeyface · 24/07/2014 01:05

Babysteps. Take one issue at a time, dont think of it as a big mess.

Firstly, stop ignoring the emails about the unpaid rent. Call your landlord and explain the situation or email if you cant face the phone call. Offer to pay him whatever you can and look into whether you are entitled to any housing benefit, tax credits etc to find the difference.
The last thing you need now is an eviction notice and ignoring it wont make it go away.

Secondly, see your doctor. It could be that this has triggered a stress/depression response that could be help medically.

Thirdly, speak to your line manager. Explain what has happened and how you are struggling and tell them what the doctor said. If you are a previously respected worker then they wont want to lose you over a blip. Give them a chance to help you.

You will get past this but you need to stop burying your head in the sand because things will only get worse if you do.

Take care x

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 01:08

I did see the doctor and they said I have PTSD but didn't really do anything about it. I came back high on the depression scale but to be honest I don't feel depressed. I don't feel numb (wish I did) and I have bags of nervous energy. I know I need to put the practical things in order. I have no idea why I feel so helpless to do everyday tasks.

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Bogeyface · 24/07/2014 01:12

Go back to the docs and ask for a therapy referral and then tell your employers that you have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression (which manifests in many way, not just sadness and numbness, I was hyper when I had PND with DC2). Not only does it give them the chance to help you, it gives you protection in terms of job loss etc.

I think that the split has triggered MH issues in you and although you are focussing on the split, perhaps isnt the problem here.

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 01:12

just writing this down made me feel a bit better

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botanicbaby · 24/07/2014 01:46

Am going to reply in list form too OP. I know where you are coming from.

same situation, long-term relationship (10yrs) abruptly ended. no "closure" (hate that word but you get the gist), transpired months down the line he'd cheated several times then dated someone from work although they didn't live together. Hurt like hell.Be wary of others saying OW is just a shag, loyalties change when couples split, don't believe what you want to hear.

Must be tough for you and your DC not having said goodbye. I can sympathise entirely. Someone who did not want to make the time/effort to say 'goodbye' to you/your DCS IS NOT BLOODY WORTH THE ANGST.

8.I found out afterwards he had a sort of double life for the last year where he was shagging around with hookers.

Riiiiight. Well, that puts a whole different slant on it. Understandably, you may not feel this way now as your WHOLE world has been turned upside down but this is NOT a decent man. You are well rid.

Trying to understand this type of person is a mind fuck. You are only remembering the relationship from your pov, which is natural but I assure you someone who is a good person does not shag around with prostitutes behind their loved one's back. This man was not emotionally mature or ever capable of providing the relationship you want/need.

Seek financial advice from CAB - they are very good at providing practical help. Speak to your manager at work if you can, a good manager will understand if someone in their team is experiencing difficulties in their personal life.

Perhaps too early for dating if you are feeling the way you are - give it time. Your DCs would NOT be better off without you, nor are you ugly or worthless. It is a shitty state of mind post-breakup and you will not feel like this forever. Not that it makes it any easier (it doesn't, I know) but loads of us have been there and lived to tell the tale. See it as favour he's done you, paving the way for a nicer, decent relationship in the future Flowers

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botanicbaby · 24/07/2014 01:48

PS yep the married man is an utter shit for saying what he has, agree with PP. He is as much bad news as your ex. Steer well clear!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 08:34

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. My perspective is that you are suffering the stress that comes with feeling out of control. Everything you've described is quite shocking, was imposed on you (you had no say in the matter) and you had no warning and no way to prepare yourself mentally. There is no explanation for his actions beyond 'selfishness' and 'impulsiveness'... and those two things often make people act extremely cruelly and with no regard to the feelings of others.

I think it's significant that you saw this man as a way to provide stability and security and also that you have financial problems and childcare issues. When you're reeling from being rejected in love, if other key areas of your life are also in turmoil, you will not have anything solid to hold onto.

Others have suggested you return to the doctor and see if there is medical or psychological help. I think you also urgently need intervention to get the practical things under control so that you're not adding the fear of being evicted or losing your job to everything else. It's quite understandable, if you're depressed, that you haven't the energy to do this. Perhaps friends and family could be the ones to intervene?

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Quitelikely · 24/07/2014 08:50

Be strong love. Do not let this man cause any more havoc I your life. I feel angry on your behalf and I want to encourage you to be brave and dig deep and tell yourself that you will not allow him to influence your life negatively anymore. Decide whether you should move back home. Might that be best for now? More stable for your son? You need not be chased by debtors. If you can't afford repayments etc the CAB are brilliant at sorting repayment plans etc. don't give up, get up and march on with your life. Don't let what this man did define you. Look forward not back. You are wasting far too much of your emotional energy on this man yet he is nothing but the past. Focus on your son too. Tell him you have been a little but poorly and not up to your best recently, that you are feeling a bit better now though and things will improve.

Good luck

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BitOutOfPractice · 24/07/2014 08:53

Oh op my heart clenched when I read your post. I remember the feeling so well. My split was just as sudden and it really can send you into a tail spin.

One thing I will say about "closure" because I too remember just churning it all over and over and over in my mind looking for answers. The reality is IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Even if you asked him now for answers, he would lie and swerve it. Do it doesn't matter. Even if by done miracle he did tell you, it wouldn't change a damn thang. So it doesn't matter. And chances are, finding out would only hurt you more. So it doesn't matter. Say that out loud to yourself next time you find yourself obsessing. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

I found that when I came to peace with the fact that I would never know all the answers, I was able to start moving on

You will get through this. Promise. It's shit while you're going through it but get through it you will

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NacMacFeeglie · 24/07/2014 08:53

I know it won't help OP but what an utter cunt he is. I'm so sad for you and all the children involved.

OP it's only natural for you to be feeling the way you are feeling. You are grieving for so many things. When someone suddenly vanishes out of your life like that it makes no sense.

I split from my DP in January this year. Everything literally changed overnight and I couldn't get my head round it. I felt detached from everything and lost. I had this future with him all planned out and it was gone. Just like that. I didn't know how to adapt to my new life and things got bad. Basically I had a breakdown and my crisis team told me I was grieving.

Would you consider seeing a gp. Telling them exactly how you are feeling. Your post rings so many bells for me. I had something called adjustment reaction disorder. Like you my life seemed to spiral downward and I couldn't pull myself out of it. I went on antidepressants and six months on I am getting sorted now.

In terms of the housing. The worst that can happen is you can't keep up with rent and you are evicted. In which case you apply for homelessness and with your circumstances ask for the place you need to move back from.

If you don't want to go down that route then citizens advice. Get them to benefit check you. Apply for hardship to meet the rent.

I know when you feel so low even the smallest task feels like a mountain but you need to force yourself OP. There is a saying. Fake it until you make it. It's very apt in that the more you force yourself to do what needs to be done the more you find strength and motivation and self esteem again. Then one day you aren't faking it anymore because you made it.

Be strong. Allow yourself to grieve. And try to accept that sometimes you don't get the answers you deserve so you have to move on without them. Thanks

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NacMacFeeglie · 24/07/2014 08:59

Oh and OP. Find comfort in your children. I can honestly say that I took my kids for granted until the breakdown. My beautiful children helped me so much. Hugged me all the time. Told me they loved me. Tried to make me smile and made me realise that I had made those beautiful kind kids and would never be alone because I had them. You are not a bad mother. You are in pain and doing the best you can. Talk to your son.

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Alphabollocks · 24/07/2014 09:24

So sorry to hear about your situation and I echo the views of the PPs.
On a practical note re: your house, is the tenancy agreement in both your names or just your name? If in both names, he would also be liable for unpaid rent.
Please talk to your doctor/ manager / landlord or HR dept if there is one. Some employers have an in-house or a link to counselling services or occupational health. Sorting out the practical stuff (with help if you need it) will give you something to focus on and you may feel better and be in a stronger position.

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YvyB · 24/07/2014 09:28

It will be better. 6 years ago this happened to me. He left 8 weeks before our wedding. I was so shocked I literally couldn't eat for the first week. My confidence was shattered in an instant: the thought of cooking for my ds was just too horrific to contemplate - I had to ask a friend to make a casserole I could freeze. I couldn't pay the bills - I was just too terrified to even phone the bank.

But... 6 years on, he hardly ever even crosses my mind!

You will be fine, just stop expecting so much from yourself. I spent a year floundering around and just getting by, making the odd ill-advised choice at times. But we survived and I grew to realise that actually, I'm a pretty decent person and my capacity to cope in testing times is much greater than I realise.

He, on the other hand, married the OW; it barely lasted 2 years.

I promise you, it will be fine. You never know about his dcs either - my exp's dds tracked me down on facebook and we are still in touch.

Oh, don't go there with the pilot. What sort of arse betrays his wife by sending texts like that? At least you know how that option would have turned out too.

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Hup · 24/07/2014 09:38

OP my DH of 16 years walked out on me and DS five months ago and I feel like you. I just cannot get over it. There is no OW he just decided he was no longer in love and I had not had enough time for him in the last year ( miscarriage, ill parent, operation for me etc.). I acted badly when he would tell me " truths" about our relationship and hounded him! I was broken - but now of course he blames me for pushing him away.

I just want my life back.

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 09:47

Thank you all.

The house was in his name as I was unemployed when we moved in. What he did was to leave that night, then he sent a letter to the estate agency letting them know he was moving out (1 month notice) and he rented another place off them within a few days of going. I got a text message to let me know about all this.

The estate agency gave me the option to take over and I had to borrow money from my sister to make the deposit. I managed that for a little while then could not keep up the payments so moved to a smaller place.

I can still barely afford that and a large part of the reason for that is me shelling out extra money because I did not organise myself. I qualified for all sorts of benefits but took six months to apply. I built up late charges on everything and just got myself into a mess due to my mental state.

I have an "employer" but I am a contractor and work part time 25 hours a week as we designed everything so it could fit around being there for kids. Going off sick means I am not paid.

Yes, moving is what I absolutely must do, but I don't have a deposit, feel so ashamed to beg to the family again, I am tied into a lease until February and also do not have the money to cover moving and all that. Also very unlikely landlords will want me as I would be technically not employed. It just is all such a mess I need to sort out and I know feeling so vulnerable financially adds to it all.

It's hard to sort these things when you feel so completely lost. Before he came along I was great with these things and lived alone for years.

I know he's a cunt, I know why he did what he did doesn't matter but the best way to explain it as that I have all this love inside me for him that doesn't go away and I am confused about where to put it.

I am considering that maybe the "closure" is something I get for myself. By moving back home, by making a better life for myself, by starting again but wish I could do it.

I will go back to the GP when I am home.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 09:56

Please don't be ashamed to ask family for more help. It's where families tend to come into their own - unconditional support. If someone needed your help, you'd be very upset if you thought they'd hesitated and struggled out of pride.

The 'love' inside you is the natural corollary to being rejected. When we're distressed we crave human contact and affection, and the horrible irony of relationship breakdown is that the very person we'd normally turn for that is the one causing the pain. Double-whammy.

Where you choose to put the love, as you put it, will be to divert the emotion into something positive and absorbing. In a similar circumstance I did the classic of 'throwing myself into my work'. You need to find something for you.

But do seek the practical help. I think if you felt you were making even a little progress in getting your own place, you'd gain strength from it.

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feelsoshit88 · 24/07/2014 10:01

Also, I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone who has been through the same, but I am so tired of people telling me I am better off or that I dodged a bullet.

What I really want to hear from my friends and family is that they are sorry for the man I lost, because whether he was or wasn't that I completely believed he was and I loved him and he's gone and I feel like no one acknowledges the loss because he turned out to be such a cunt.

It's almost like the past never happened and now my grief isn't happening.

And I hardly told anyone the truth either. He got away with it. I mean got away with telling everyone that I was awful and he was hard done by and the thing is I have all the evidence of what really happened. Credit card statements from brothels. His online dating messages with the woman he was fucking. Messages to me at the same time telling me I was the most wonderful fiance ever and he was so lucky. A kept quiet so as not to wash my dirty laundry but a huge part of me wants to name and shame and show the world what he did and who he is.

You now he even told his kids I left because I didn't want to be with them anymore?????????????? Which is why he has refused me access.

What a complete bastard, but at the same time I loved him. It's so hard

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/07/2014 10:12

Yes it makes sense. If he'd died rather than left, they'd all be saying nice things and sympathising with your loss. As you said originally, sentiments like 'dodged a bullet' may be true but it calls into question your whole judgement and you wonder if you've been going around with your eyes shut. The one I used to get was 'we never liked him'..... well gee thanks for pretending all this time Confused

Probably time to rethink your strategy of not telling the truth about the guy btw. You've got stress on stress on stress and I think it adds a whole other unnecessary layer of stress to keep someone else's grubby secrets on top.... especially when he's not showing you anything like the same consideration. You're not his PR agent and you really don't owe him anything.

Cog tip.... If you want to get the word out there, pick a mutual friend who has a big mouth and no inhibitions and tell them selected highlights of the awful truth 'in strictest confidence'. It'll whip round like wildfire.

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