Friends disappear after having a baby...!

[littleladybird14]

I was just hoping for some advice really and to see if anyone else has gone through the same situation.

When I announced I was pregnant my small group of close friends were excited and made all these promises of 'auntie' duties etc. Since my DS was born almost 2 years ago I can honestly say that not once in all that time other than the initial baby visit have any of them asked to come and see me and my DS. I live around 40 minutes away from most of my friends but always used to be the one to go nearer their neck of the woods for visits to the pub, meals out, going to each other's houses etc, I guess they were always reluctant to come to me as I was the only one living where I do. It's now more difficult for me to visit them although I still have family in that area so always willing to meet. I've gone back to work part time so free two extra days a week which can tie in with a teacher friend when she's off on her holidays from school but still nothing. Not even a text to see how I am, it's always me texting them and I've come to a point where I just want to give up but actually I don't have a wide circle of friends and I'm feeling so lonely without having anyone but my husband to talk to.

I just can't understand what I've done wrong. One of my oldest and closest friends I'm lucky to see at my birthday and her birthday and even then she looks pained to have to talk to me.

I'm not an obsessive mother, I'm proud of my son of course and excited to talk about him, but in all honesty no one ever asks about him so he doesn't come up in conversation when we do meet which kills me that they just don't care, he is part of me after all.

I just don't get it. Part of me just thinks give up, they're not at the same stage of life as I am, none are married, close to, or have kids and still act like they're at uni or something. The idea of asking me how I'm doing is out of their realms. In all honestly I've had a turbulent time of it, from a traumatic birth that kept me in hospital for a week with blood transfusions to struggling with personal anxieties about being a mum and marriage difficulties leading to counselling, I've had no one but my husband to turn to. I just want my friends back, but how we used to be, not this awkward tense and resentment (from my side of how they have behaved for the past 2years) but not sure if it'll ever be that way again.

Any suggestions to repair the friendship or do you think it's a sinking ship?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you're right. You're at a different stage of life now... married, mother, settled... and the things you have in common with your friends have reduced as a result. They want to pretend they are still kids... you are very much a grown-up. C'est la vie You can either confront your friends and tell them they are acting like selfish idiots or you can move on and make new friends who are at the same stage.

[overslept]

Have you posted this before? I seem to remember reading almost the exact same thing before

I think you are right in saying it is a different stage of life. I don't have children and to be honest I find some of my friends with children insufferable bores. Only the people who insist on telling me details of their children I don't need to know or even really understand not having them myself, it can be awfully dull for somebody who hasn't given it much concern and has no comparison. I often find myself thinking "what on earth do I say? I really don't know if the test level/ word difficulty/ some other developmental stage, is really good or bad for that age".

I think things will probably change when your friends start to have children and eventually there will be a shift where the parents tend to spend more time together and those who don't yet have children are the ones less often invited to things, especially as the focus of what the group does will shift to more child friendly activities.

I think your best and most reasonable course of action is find some friends you can see more regularly who have children, you will find you likely have more in common at the moment and your time frames/activities you want to do will likely gel a bit more. Having said that don't take a huge step back from your old friends, carry on seeing them as much as you can but try to remember that they have no idea what being a parent is like and will have little to comment about it.

[TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals]

It's disappointing isn't it? I had ds at 26, most of my friends are single let alone even thinking about kids. One has completely dropped off the radar but mostly I still see them, in varying degrees.

We're quite big on girls nights out/weekends away though & I really enjoy that occasional downtime alongside the coffee and cake with the more kid orientated friends. Most of them will be on the same page eventually, its just a waiting game.

You can then be a good understanding friend who provides lasagna and chocolate in the early days

[Cernabbas]

I agree that you are at a different stage and as a result you have grown apart. You need to move on I'm afraid. Try to get out and meet some other mums. There are plenty of women out there in the same position as you, and you will probably end up making some better friendships because you can relate to each other better.
Best wishes, and feel free to PM if you want an online mummy friend to chat to.

[overslept]

CogitoErgoSometimes

"pretend they are still kids" ? "tell them they are acting like selfish idiots?" ?

how on earth did you conclude that her friends were behaving this way from her post? They are acting exactly as you probably did before you had children.

[BikeRunSki]

One of my absolute best friends - who I'd seen or spoken to or emailed every day for over 15 years - had completely dumped me by the time ds was a year old. I sent him a card a couple of years later when dd was born. It went unacknowledged. I know it was the right address, I work with his landlord.

[Azquilith]

Unfortunately I've found exactly the same, though to be fair when I have occasionally met up with friends i have found we've less to talk about.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

I found this, slowly over the first few months of parenthood my single/childless friends melted away. My very best friend from school, we even lived together for a while pre meeting my husband just became less and less available. Because we were on different paths and had different interests.
I now have a small handful of mum friends, luckily one who lives 2 mins walk away and our DD's are a week apart in age so it's worked out really well. But I found it a struggle. Going to stay and plays and signing up to groups baby massage and music and stuff, just to meet other mums locally and make a new set of friends.

I was in a similar position in that I moved away from my old friends and they were all still local to each other and it seemed like lots of effort to involve me etc. I still have some contact with a few but it's mostly courtesy now, for old times sake.

Try to get out there as much as possible locally and make new friends, it's worth it once you do.

[Fishstix]

This happened with my close Uni friends. I felt a huge gap for a few years. Now they nearly all have children too and suddenly we have something big in common again and the group had rebonded.
Whilst in the middle of the Gap I felt very lonely for a while, but met some great friends through a local playgroup and still kept a very basic contact with my older friends. You WILL meet new people, and in time, when your older friends catch up with your life stage you may well find those friendships becoming close again.
Hang in there. It gets easier.

[littleladybird14]

It is sad I know, I had expectations of friends who would be happy for me and want to support me through what has been a massive learning curve! I've made two friends through baby groups who I've become friendly with but difficult to meet up now we're back at work an working alternative shift patterns. I'm a quiet person and struggle to really meet new people. My DH works shifts so can't attend a regular evening fitness class as I don't have options for baby sitter so my evenings are always the same, at home watching TV, I'm bored!

Think as I said an you've all agreed we are I guess at different stages in our lives. Maybe it's bitter of me, but come the time when they do have kids I'll resent supporting them, that's harsh isn't it, but they've really hurt me and I don't think they realise or care!

Any suggestions for confronting them or do the majority think I should just leave them to it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@overslept ... they 'still act like they are at uni or something'. Suggests a certain immaturity... the student lifestyle. I'm concluding they are selfish idiots because they haven't given the OP the time of day since her baby arrived and one of them even looks 'pained' to talk to her. They don't sound like particularly nice people.

[Squitten]

I've been here OP. I've never had large circles of friends so when I was single I had two very close friends who I've known since school. I was the first to get married and we started a family straight away. I was 25 at the time and have just had my last child at 31. In the meantime, both of my friends have now married (one just this month!) but there are no children yet. I knew that I was a bit distanced from them because of the demands of family life (I'm a SAHM now, spent lots of time BF, etc) but it really hit me in the gut when I realised that they had been going out for loads of nights out, etc, and had never even told me.

I felt quite down about it for a while and I don't think they have ever realised how much it affected me. I came to the same realisation as you - that we are simply at different life stages right now. They have the freedom to do lots of stuff that I simply can't. We are still friends - one of them is Godmother to one of my kids, we still go out for lunch when we can, still keep in contact on FB, etc, but we are definitely not as close as we used to be. I'm waiting though. Both of them do want families and when the kids come, they will catch up with me and we'll all be able to get together with our kids, etc, and have that connection again. They have no understanding of what my life is like right now but I hope that once they have families of their own, they'll appreciate why I couldn't do stuff with them.

I have also made lots of new friends! I have a lovely little circle of people from the school and playgroups who all have kids the same age as mine and we have a great social life. This is the first summer holidays I've really looked forward to because I know we'll have lots to do. Get out there and find some people more on your wavelength rather than relying on these people to fulfill you!

[overslept]

I think if you confront them OP you won't do yourself any favours. It will likely just further alienate your from the group.

Try not to resent them, I know it is hard when something becomes a huge part of your life to see them not as thrilled and excited by it as you are but in the future when they do settle down to a family life they will likely look to you as the "omg I have no idea if this is normal I will ring littleladybird she will know what to do!" .

[Smartiepants79]

Would you be brave enough to get one of them (your closest friend) alone and just ask her if there is anything wrong. "I've hardly see you over the last few years and I wondered if I'd done anything" ...
What did you have I common before you had your DS?
Can you find that common ground again?

[Smartiepants79]

I don't mean that you are at fault just that its a kinder way to broach the subject. Then maybe you could carefully air some if your feelings.

[BillyJoel]

This happened to my ex best friend. She had a baby, got married and was having marital problems , and i just had nothing in common with her anymore. I quite literally didn't know what to say to her about the problems she was bringing up in conversation. It all dried up quite quickly and i didn't really understand how she was so tied down. That was 20 years ago and i now fully understand where she was coming from now i have 3 dcs. I'd love to b get back in touch but think too much time has passed and the roles would now be reversed.

[littleladybird14]

In terms of their immaturity, yeah they still act like they're at uni, really into wrestling (the Hulk hogan thing?!?) and grown men have been practicing moves on each other and almost broke a girl friends foot who was sat down near by at the time! We used to go out into town, watch gigs, go to bars, go to the pub, go to each other's houses for girly film nights etc. it's not helped that another girl has edged her way way in and drove a wedge between me and my closest friend. She only loves round the corner from her and wouldn't constantly post on Facebook that she was out with her doing one thing or another. They've all been on nights out without me, without even asking if I'd like to go! I'd honestly have done whatever it would have taken to make sure I could go.

I left it with my friend a few weeks ago texting her that I'd not had chance to catch up with her at a christening because of my DS causing chaos and me having to chase after him the whole time, I apologised and said I'd love for us to catch up but know she's busy so said for her to let me know when she's free and we'd catch up just the two of us....I didn't receive a reply at all . Time to give up me thinks!

[littleladybird14]

We're all 30+ by the way....

[weatherall]

Unfortunately this is a very common experience for women.

It is a combination of deliberate disinterest in babies/mum stuff and a fear of the unknown/social awkwardness at the new dynamic.

They may be jealous.

They may think you are boring now.

They may not like having to make arrangements in advance so you can get a babysitter.

They may feel that you think they are immature.

They may feel that you have rejected their lifestyle.

It's all rubbish.

As for solutions. Don't confront them.

Maybe accept that they won't be close friends for a while and maybe never again. Maybe they were never true friends.

Finding new friends is really the best solution.

[hollycomputer]

I think there is a shift in people's attitudes. I don't have children but have experienced the same thing as the OP in reverse.

Friends who we used to see regularly now refuse to travel, refuse to meet anywhere other than within about a mile of their homes (expecting us to travel all the time) and one couple even hinted strongly that we should contribute towards their babysitting costs after we invited them for dinner at our house.

Another couple met us for lunch in a restaurant, spent the whole time complaining about how far it was from their house (I'd arranged it deliberately at a halfway point), brought their PiL without mentioning it in advance so there was trouble over seating and allowed their DC to run around the restaurant.

Another couple regularly visit their DPs about five miles from us on a regular basis but never even once pop in for a cup of tea. The only reason we know they've been in the area is because they post it on Facebook.

I get that things change when you have children, I really do. But it cuts both ways.

[Anarchy99]

It is a combination of deliberate disinterest in babies/mum stuff and a fear of the unknown/social awkwardness at the new dynamic.

^THIS

I have been on the other side of this - once my friends started to get pregnant, I drifted away from them before the baby was born. I don't have any interest in babies and young children and I never intended to have them. I didn't want to offend them so I walked away. Fwiw it was never anything personal, but they would have been a lot more offended if I had shown my disinterest and I am unable to pretend that I was interested.

[McFox]

I'm feeling a bit like you OP, and my DS is only 6 weeks old.

I have a couple of friends from within our group who've had babies recently and I see them once a week, but everyone else has kind of disappeared. We've not even had so much as a card from some close friends, never mind a visit. I've had a few texts and have replied saying that it would be good to see people as we're feeling a bit isolated. It's difficult though because like your friends, mine are all in their 30s, but still out on the lash all the time. Because of our ages i hadn't expected this at all. I'm the oldest one of us by quite a few years so it feels as if the gap has widened even more now.

What I'm planning to do is go to lots of classes etc by myself - my friends with babies are going up some classes together but I've signed up to different ones so that I have the opportunity to meet other people. Hopefully that will work. It's sad though.

[littleladybird14]

thanks all for your comments from both sides. I guess it is just the end of the road for now with our friendships, maybe they'll come back in years to come (to be honest I don't see any of them ever having kids so not sure if this will actually ever happen!) .

Will make an extra effort to go to some local classes with my DS and hopefully make some new friends.

Thanks again everyone x

[tigermoll]

I'm sorry that your friends are being shit :(

I've had it the other way round (BTW I am NOT saying this is what you're doing AT ALL) - friends who have had children suddenly deciding that, not only are their children the most important thing in the world, but that ALL children are, and that every one should fit their travel plans, activities, meal choices and bedtimes around them.

For example, I was in a restaurant with one couple whose DD was a toddler, and they just let her toddle about. When a waiter gently brought her back to their table, they tutted about how, 'in Italy' everyone would be delighted to look after their child, and implied that the waiter ought to have been champing at the bit to babysit rather than do his job! (BTW they aren't Italian. I don't know where they got this idea from.)