Am I overreacting with how hurt I feel?

[sweetpud]

I came on here the other day because I was feeling like my DH was making all the major decisions and being selfish etc. We'd had a bit of a row on Sunday and I was left feeling a bit low, resentful, and generally feeling like I wanted something for me for a change!
Things had calmed down a bit on Monday when he came home from work and we were at least talking again, had our tea together and things seemed a bit calmer, or so I thought!

Later on in the evening he got on his laptop and started to log into his bank Acc, asking me to confirm his username. A bit curious, I asked him what he was doing, so he told me he was lending a family member quite a large amount of money! Well you could have knocked me over sideways, I was totally gobsmaked!

Not only because he never mentioned any of this "arrangement" to me but also because we cannot stand our Brother-inlaw. To cut a long story short BIL stole a huge amount of money, which was supposed to pay off their Mortgage, and the theft went undiscovered until last year. My SIL has forgiven him even though they will be scrimping forever now, he doesn't work so they struggle by on benefits, and he is extremely tight with his money, has always kept her in the poor-house!

I was heart broken for my SIL when she told me last year and she even made me keep it from my DH because he would of wanted to kill the BIL, eventually though I managed to convince her to tell my DH, as I couldn't keep it from him for much longer.
As you can imagine now, we dislike him immensely, my DH cannot stand being near him but we have to pretend for sake of family!

The "loan" is for a new car as theirs packed up the other week, and though they will both drive it, my DH has said he is adamant he has done it for his DS and not BIL. I did point out that he could of bought a cheaper car for his DS and took it round to their house, but now this way BIL has chosen the car and price etc so in my eyes it benefits him and I am sooooo angry that it hurts!

Don't get me wrong as we are not well off, its just that we have a small amount left of my DH's retirement money, which is going to be swallowed up shortly anyway with home improvements.

As you can imagine we had a huge row over this and Dh tried to say that he never mentioned this to me ( he'd known for a week) as I would have said no, and that its his decision to help his DS out and thats it, final. He also said well I didn't try to hide it as I went onto my bank in front of you!
As far as I know my SIL is unaware that I didn't know anything about this arrangement, how awkward would that have been aswell!

I know for a fact that my DH won't take the money back either, even though he is trying to convince me its a loan, but he won't take it back from his DS, of that i'm certain
So its made me feel even more resentful right now as I said in my previous post that I don't seem to get anything for me, as DH won't move house, has made his own work decisions and refuses to take me on holiday to a place I've always wanted to visit, because he doesn't fancy it!
He will help out that Cretin but he won't take out just two weeks of his life just to make me happy! Now am I being selfish here!

[Dirtybadger]

Sorry could you clarify- the car is for BIL or son? How are they having the same car?

[Quitelikely]

Nope you're not being selfish. If I was you I would insist that the money given was enough to buy a decent car but not an excessive amount to buy a certain style of car as IMO that's a luxury that they can't afford. Especially since your saying this cash is more likely to be a gift.

I think now is the time to put your foot down in a massive uncompromising way.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Op life's to short for this amount of dismissiveness of your feelings and oversight of your unhappiness if you LTB you would be responsible for your own happiness, just think what he's going to be like when he's a lot older and a lot more controlling and down right cumudgenly. Do you really want to be running around after an elderly abusive arse?

Get out while you still can

[Dirtybadger]

Oh whoops I see how obvious that is now. Joint money, joint decision. I'd be pretty pissed off. I haven't seen your other threads but it sounds like whatever money you do have you haven't been able to enjoy as you'd like, either (holiday).

[sweetpud]

Sorry for any confusion, yes the car is for my in-laws. :-)

[GarlicJulyKit]

I don't seem to get anything for me, as DH won't move house, has made his own work decisions and refuses to take me on holiday to a place I've always wanted to visit, because he doesn't fancy it!

He is extremely tight with his money, has always kept her in the poor-house!

You seem to be looking at a family trait, which prioritises men over women financially. Even while BIL had plenty of (borrowed) money, he treated his wife meanly. Your husband does the same, keeping you under control while meeting his brother's needs. Was their father like this too?

Assuming you've already had strong talks with him, I think it would be wise to look into whether you can viable set up personal finances for yourself, keeping everything separate. You might also want a long talk with your SIL about your respective options for going it alone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you're describing is more evidence of his contempt for you. He doesn't think he needs to talk to you in advance, let alone ask your opinion. You don't matter.

If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks you're irrelevant, I don't think anyone would disagree with you.

[4seasons]

Do you have a joint bank account ? If you do I would empty it ... then tell him you now want to discuss finances as an equal partner and not as some type of live- in housekeeper . How dare he do this !!! I can just imagine his reaction if the situation were to be reversed . I doubt you will get this money back so really your DH is taking things you would like to do with your life together and giving them to someone else .... You don't matter.

Time to sort this out . Are you his wife or his slave ?!

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

If he won't agree to going on holiday with you to a place you've always wanted to visit, I'd be minded to book it, go on my own and not tell him about it beforehand. With the joint-money he's so happily pissing away on people outside of your marriage. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Then, once I was back I'd be packing my shit up and leaving him.

[firesidechat]

You seem to be looking at a family trait, which prioritises men over women financially. Even while BIL had plenty of (borrowed) money, he treated his wife meanly. Your husband does the same, keeping you under control while meeting his brother's needs. Was their father like this too?

I think the sil is the OP's husbands sister rather than the bil being his brother. Is that correct?

So no family traits involved as far as I can see.

[clam]

I would be beyond livid about this. He simply CANNOT give away joint family money without your agreement/consent.
This would be a deal-breaker for me, no question.

[firesidechat]

Oh and I agree with everyone else that this should be a family discussion and not a fait accompli.

[GarlicJulyKit]

Oh, yes, fireside, I see you're right!

OK, ignore my armchair psychology and stick with the unanimous verdict: in his life, you matter least. Very sad for you!

One way or another, it's time you took back the reins. I rather like the idea of emptying the bank accounts and telling him what's what.

[Cabrinha]

Do I remember rightly that this is a second marriage for both of you of 10 years, and you're around retirement age?

I doubt he has any concept of "family money". His retirement money will be his to give away, in his mind.
I'm a bit torn there... I don't want to excuse him as overall he sounds like a bad bet. But honestly, I love my boyfriend, but I'm post divorce and don't have a child with him, and even if married would see my money as my own. I'd doubtless tell him if I was buying my sister a car in general chit chat. But I wouldn't see my money as family money.

Why don't you learn to drive and also get a car?
And with the home improvements - I thought you wanted to cancel them?
As for that holiday you want - I will say this again, just bloody well go! What is this "that I want him to take me on" stuff? You're not a child. Book it, go on it. And if you don't have enough shared interests to sustain a marriage - split up.