Friend struggling to conceive...

[Diamondsareagirls]

A bit of background:

I have a very close friend who I have known for the past 10 years. We have supported each other through a lot and see each other at least once a week. She was been trying to conceive with her DH for the past 3 years and is currently going through the prep stages of IVF.

I had twins at the start of this year and it has created distance and tension between the two of us. We have tried talking about it but we still don't seem to have found a way forward.

She was upset with me that I didn't tell her we were ttc. I hadn't told anyone as we didn't know how long it would take and didn't want the pressure of people 'expecting' news. As it was, we were incredibly lucky and I was pregnant within 2 months. I didn't want to tell my friend this for obvious reasons.

I was really worried about telling her the news we were having twins after the 12 week scan. She was really good about it but kept making comments about how 'greedy' I was which made me feel awful that I was causing her pain.

We have since had one really tough moment which I caused by being insensitive. I had a tough week with my DTs and was having a moan to her over coffee. I know this was a stupid thing to do and she lost it with me and told me I should be grateful for them which of course I am. I just needed to offload and obviously picked the wrong person.

I constantly worry that I am going to upset her when I am there with my children and I just want to be a good friend to her when she is going through a tough time but I can't avoid her seeing me with my children or sometimes having to discuss them as they are such a huge part of my life now.

Can anyone offer me any advice as to how to handle this or share your own experiences?

[Quitelikely]

It really bugs me when I see this happening! Bloody hell your life is taken up with twins and your not allowed to moan and groan at the task of it all. And she calls you greedy? Wasn't your fault you had twins just like its not your fault she can't have a baby.

I was in a similar situation where it took me longer to conceive but not once did I let that get in the way of my friendships and their pregnancies.

[PresidentSpreadable]

which made me feel awful that I was causing her pain

The thing is, you're not causing her pain, her situation is causing her pain. You need to not feel guilty or apologetic for your own situation.

I was the friend struggling to conceive for around ten years whilst my friends all fell pregnant and popped out baby after baby. It was agony. I didn't really manage to maintain a lot of the friendships unfortunately. I worked hard to keep things going with some friends, but got little back as having young children is so all consuming and I needed emotional support that they didn't have the time or energy to give, so we drifted. Once the children were older it got better, but by that time we were mostly not as close. It's not all doom and gloom though, I made new friends, many who were child free by choice, or who had older children. Ironically I am now finally pregnant and terrified that I will drift away from my amazing child free friends (although we are all a lot older so hopefully it won't happen).

It may just be that you have to be a friend from a distance for a while, especially whilst your twins are still so tiny. She has her own journey to make, whether she ends up with children or not. You can try and make it clear that you are always there for her if she needs a shoulder, but maybe back off in the short term?

[FrankSaysNo]

is it normal to discuss your sex life with people? She was upset with me that I didn't tell her we were ttc.

I'm sure it's all very horrible for her - but she is projecting onto you. Unless she wants to lock herself in the attic she is going to see pregnant women, babies, children every single day for the rest of her life.

I'm afraid I'd be cutting ties with her now.

[Mayamayamaya]

I am going through this at the moment. You have to decide what type of friend to her you want to be. Most Women going through ivf are extremely sensitive and you either work with it or dont. Ivf is a lonely experience!

[Diamondsareagirls]

Thank you for your comments so far and for understanding how difficult this is for me.
I really don't want to lose this friend but think I might need to back off a bit. We have set days we meet up each week so it will be awkward to do this and I would hate for her to think I'm too busy for her now. Not sure how to proceed with that one.

I feel as though we don't know each other at the moment as I avoid sharing day to say stuff now and she will only bring up IVF stuff if I ask. As I'm not at work at the moment that cuts down our conversation topics quite a bit

[Diamondsareagirls]

Hi Mayamayamaya I want to be there for her and to continue being a good friend to her but I don't know how. I don't know if me not talking about my children is making things better or worse. Should I continue as normal and share my life with her or keep that side to myself and just support her through this?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

She still sees you regularly so she must have decided early on she was strong enough to keep in touch. It's not like you can pretend your twins don't exist. It was unfortunate you had a bit of an honest moan to her but that said, if you never shared the bad bits as well as good she'd guess you were filtering information.

Whether she's struggling with fertility issues or not your DCs are bound to take up your time so as they get older you're going to very likely find less time to catch up with each other. Now that you've tried to get along and talked openly the ball's in her court as much as yours.

[chocaholic73]

I was her once (since went on to have 2 of my own). I was thrilled when my bf got pregnant. She asked me to be Godmother which was great but she never seemed to involve me to the extent I would have loved to be involved with her DD and a lot of distance came between us. We went through some rocky times and, in fact, when I did get pregnant she heard about it through other friends and eventually phoned me. We are still friends 26 years on so you can get through it. I would say try to involve her ... yes, of course it is hard with 2 babies ... so an extra pair of hands would be welcome - tell her how much you need her help and support and use it. In addition, make some non baby time for her ... this clearly can't be as often as it would before but just a regular slot and then make sure that although your babies are a source of conversation, they are not the only one. If she is already involved with them, she will be interested in whether that tooth has come through or one of them is walking etc etc -she becomes an honorary aunty really.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Diamondsareagirls]

chocaholic73 thank you. That is really great advice and it is nice to know someone else's experience that has resulted in you staying friends.

[Delphinegreen]

Her issue.

Her difficulties are very sad but it shouldn't mean that the world revolves around her. If she can't discuss her feelings maturely rather than sniping & projecting, I would distance myself from someone who has this little insight.

The baby years are hard in my friendship group I had a miscarriage whilst 2 others were pregnant, another miscarried whilst I was pregnant. All were ttc with varying degrees of success. It's real life, it's sometimes not fair but there is such a thing as making life shitter for yourself. This person is doing this.

When I mc I found support & joy in my friend & her baby.

Only so much you can support her, you may need to cut loose.

[HandbagCrazy]

Can I ask if you've spoken directly about this issue?
I ask as I am ttc and have medical issues so 14 months in and no luck yet. My best friend of 10 years fell pregnant by accident after 1 broken condom.
She told me she was pregnant and I was so pleased for her.
Then she went quiet so I asked why (i thought it was possibly bad news about her partners reaction), and she was very honest - she was excited and wanted to talk and plan, especially with me, but didn't want to seem like she was showing off or upset me.
It was an intense conversation but i insisted that she act like normal. Yes it was hard to see her planning (and choosing things that I would have for my baby) but I hid that and just showed the excitement.
I appreciated her honesty and how sensitive she was trying to be and she appreciated having me to lean on - especially now I can babysit :)
If your friendship is going to survive, I think you should tackle the issue directly - she may be worried about making you feel guilty

[Diamondsareagirls]

HandbagCrazy I tried when I told her I was pregnant and she brushed it off very quickly by saying that she was fine about it and not to be silly. I have n't tried again as I felt she was annoyed I had tried to talk about it the first time.

I don't think she wants to end the friendship, and neither do I, as she has kept on seeing me pretty much as regularly as before but the little comments here and there make me feel like I must be upsetting her.

[HandbagCrazy]

That's really sad
I know it doesn't help, but being this broody and unable to conceive messes with your head. I have found myself jealous of my friends tired, frazzled state, wishing I had a baby that needed me at 4am . Honestly, it can make you crazy.
Maybe just continue as you are and hopefully she'll just become the fun 'auntie' to your children? She hasn't drifted quietly away so I think your friendship means a lot to her. Maybe she's very aware of how you feel and is working through it all as best she can?

(Sorry, I know that doesn't help but just wanted to explain that ttc can make you lose all perspective - I felt unbelievable jealousy but I'm generally a sane person who loves my sleep!)

[Diamondsareagirls]

Thanks HandbagCrazy it does help me actually as I need to understand how she is feeling as she isn't telling me any more.

[HopefulHamster]

She's being unfair. I've been in her position and especially struggled when people were pregnant around me - for some reason that pain eased when the pregnancy turned into a baby and after that point I was generally okay again. Ok, so that's just me and my reactions, but what does she expect an ongoing friendship with you to involve?

Twins are HARD! And amazing I'm sure. I'd be talking about them non-stop. I'd also always be willing to listen to her talk about infertility (if she wanted to). But you can't shut off a major part of your life.

If she got pregnant tomorrow would it suddenly be all right to talk about babies again?

I am incredibly sympathetic to her but find her mix of staying in touch AND being sensitive about what you say isn't going to serve her well. I've done the whole isolating myself thing and it's not ideal either. It's not like there is an easy solution. I'd meet a few more times, don't go on about the twins unnecessarily but don't avoid mentioning them either. If she can't cope it might be time for an honest talk.

[Diamondsareagirls]

I don't think I could ever say to her that I needed her to listen to me more about stuff I am finding hard or if I have just had a bad week as I have sat with her through the crying, frustration of not being able to conceive and I would feel like I was rubbing salt into her wounds.

I do wish she could be that kind of friend to me still but I guess we just need to get through this tough bit when my LOs are small and maybe things will change in the future.

[TheRainDrops]

Diamonds you sound like you're a great friend and you've been very thoughtful of your friends emotions.

I've been ttc for 2.5 years now, 1 MC and awaiting IVF hopefully next year. It's been a shitty time and I've definitely found it really hard coping with friends who are all having babies of their own, but as said up thread it is my situation that is causing me to feel sad/angry and, yes, jealous. Infertility can trigger some pretty crazy thought processes but for the most part I am always happy for my friends and try to carry on as normal however it makes such a huge difference when they in turn try to make the effort to ask how I'm doing, arrange baby-free outings etc.

Them avoiding me or avoiding the subject would somehow be worse, like my infertility is a taboo thing of shame and pity, so please don't back off or 'cut ties' as some wonderfully sensitive and caring person said up thread - just carry on being you and try to forgive her if she says anything off, it's not her talking, it's the circumstances. I think a good heart to heart with her would be a great idea.