I posted a few days ago, needed a shoulder

[montycarlo]

My first post isn't here anymore, not due to being a troll but just some email change issues.

I posted about dh of 18 years and what I suspect was him having an emotional affair with a women from work. He has become distant, no longer wanting sex and just not himself. Many of you replied that it certainly sounded like an EA.

After me nearly getting to breakdown point, last night he finally opened up. I'm not really sure of what I thought I would hear, but the crux of the matter is that he isn't in love with me anymore, looks at me more as a best friend than a wife. He works away a lot (as I mentioned in previous post) and he says that I have hit the nail on the head that he is so used to just thinking of himself, when he comes home he does simply that. What upset me the most is that he isn't even thinking of us while he is away, he was away for 9 days and never phoned me once. I usually call him I admit, but this time I though stuff it, lets see if he does, so nothing. He would send a message each day to see if we were ok, but that's that.

He has a very responsible position at work. He is under a lot of stress and pressure with the figures etc and gets bombarded by head office all the time. He says he hasn't felt the same towards me since he started this job last year, but prior to that it was fine. I honestly think that he is so under pressure that work is on his mind constantly, and he has just 'forgotton' about us.

So what to do now? I asked him to move out, but in all honesty that is just a waste of money as he is going to be away from home a lot in the next 5 months anyway, so whats the point of him paying rent elsewhere when he isn't even going to be home anyway. We have booked a holiday away in December, so we have agreed to see how it goes until then. He has said that he is going to make an extra effort as didn't realize until I brought it up how distant he has been.

So, do you think that couples can really come back from this? I know it sounds like a cliché, but is it possible to love someone again after admitting that you don't.

The fact is that I don't want to separate. I want this to work. For various reasons. Ds is going through a difficult time with other things atm (age 16) and I think that us separating will be the final straw for him. Also, dh has a great well paid position now, and for the first time in our lives we are financially ok. But our married life has been a struggle - it hasn't been easy, with bankruptcy, our dc health, just a lot of different things that have made things difficult, but we got through it. Also, I feel a bit used, as his whole career I have been there with him (we have always worked together but don't now) and supported him through tough times, and now he has reached the top of the ladder, it seems I'm no longer important or needed.

I didn't push the EA thing to be honest. I don't think that is the issue right now. He has assured me that he has no feelings for anyone else and has definitely not slept with anyone either. I asked him if he feels he may be depressed, but he said no he didn't think so. But I wonder if he isn't, he isn't the bubbly fun person he used to be anymore.

Again, I am getting stuff off my chest, so I know this is long.

I just wondered if anyone has been in a similar position and how did you deal with it?

[BitOutOfPractice]

I'm sorry OP - that's just a miserable position to be in.

And again, I'm sorry to be blunt but the EA has everything to do with this. Everything. I would be very very surprised if it's rather more than an EA now as well.

You know that everything he has said is the classic classic script

I'm sorry

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"So, do you think that couples can really come back from this? "

They can but there has to be complete honesty and a shared commitment to the process. You're making a lot of assumptions about his motives and his behaviour and that's because he is not giving you all the information and you've having to fill in the blanks. With the background of a possible affair, he's probably being dishonest into the bargain.... maybe in two minds which way to jump. I think when hurtful statements like 'I don't love you any more' are out there, that's a very big bridge that has been burned. How horrible is it that he has to make an 'extra effort' just to have you in his mind?

If you don't separate from someone who has said something that cruel (and I realise you believe you have good reasons not to) your self-esteem will take a massive pounding.

[ravenmum]

I was in almost exactly the same position, turned out it was an affair that had been going on for a year, and other sexy stuff with women before that, starting shortly after the time he began working away. Mine was also working long hours in a responsible job, seeming depressed but saying he wasn't, not wanting sex, saying feelings not the same as before, no longer thinking about his family, acting distant, doing his own thing when at home too instead of joining in, never looking cheerful around me. Don't know what other symptoms you've had, but mine also did lots of texting, coming to bed well after me, not looking me in the eye, arguing for no reason, suddenly losing weight and getting sporty, talking about new things he suddenly wanted to do (which he knew I'm not keen on), new phone with secret password, etc. I confronted him about these things and he always denied it completely; I was never sure until I read his emails.

If I hadn't found it out, it would probably have gone on getting worse and worse with him being more and more disrespectful and cold to me - that's how it progressed until I found proof of the OW, anyway. I didn't want to split up either, but by that time was not enjoying anything about our relationship. Now he's gone and I can start to recover. My son is 14, and it is actually a lot better now his dad is not there. It's like a boil has been lanced; he's less lethargic and thinking more about what he can do to achieve what he wants. It's like our life was on hold before. He's unhappy about his dad, but at least something has been resolved and there's no daily tension.

[ThinkAboutItTomorrow]

Sounds very tough, sorry. The others know way more about EA etc but one thing I noticed in your post was that in your reasons for wanting it to work you didn't say 'because I love him'.

I get all the practical and fairness reasons for wanting it to 'work' but they add up to a partnership or friendship - not a relationship with mutual love at the centre.

I think you need to figure out what you want and why - sounds like you actually have done this. Making it work for all those great pragmatic reasons sounds a bit miserable in the long run.

[Everybodyleaves]

He has an EA elsewhere because he doesn't appear to have any relationship at all with you now - is that a fair statement?

You both need to work at that ahead of your holiday otherwise there is very little point in continuing as you are not actually together.

[Jan45]

Sorry OP I wouldn't trust him one bit whilst he's away so much, he has form, he has now told you he doesn't love you, why are you going to continue to share a home with him, stuff the money, tell him to go and sort his head out and to get in touch only when he has made up his mind, you are not devoid of feelings, he can't say that and then just expect the status quo, you will only feel worse.

[Jan45]

No amount of work stress or any other stress makes a person forget about a person, absolute rubbish.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

How awful op. You deserve someone who thinks about you 24/7.

[Squidstirfry]

From your description he sounds like one of those people leading a double life.

Honestly. Have some self respect, I strongly suspect there is so much you don't know about this man and his life while he is away.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow has put it well, to.

[mindyourown1]

I agree - this sounds way more than an EA- would love to be wrong, but I would prepare yourself for there to be very much more. I would tell him to leave and start working on your own self esteem - doesn't matter how much you love him, if he is unfaithful and wants to go then the best thing you can do is send him packing. Sorry.

[arsenaltilidie]

He is 'not in love with you' because they is another women lurking round the corner.
He is busy comparing you to the other woman.
She doesn't talk about children, bills or cleaning.

[Tinks42]

It also makes sense that he should move out, doesnt matter whether he's away working most of the time or not.... He get to come back home, so nothing has changed for him. Separate totally and then see about the holiday.

[magoria]

He isn't in love with you any more.

Are you happy to make a marriage based on just being friends with no sex, intimacy or love any more?

How long would you be happy with that?

[Fmlgirl]

I also think there's someone else.