Where do you draw the line?

[2fargone]

No cheating (as far as I know).

Been together a year. Found out a few months ago he had been taking coke. I was devastated. He used to be addicted to a different drug (hard) in his past. 10 years clean.

A few weeks ago I found out he was using coke again. Cue more devastation/promises he'd never do it again. Felt really close.

I then found prescription drugs he'd been taking. The thing is he hid that from me. When I confronted him he said he isn't addicted to them (which I actually believe) but added that I'm not his wife. Ok I'm not.

I can't trust him. I love him. I wonder where this will end. What else will I find out? After the coke chat he said I could ask him anything. So today I asked how he was and he got defensive.

Am I being controlling? I'm moving my boundaries back each time. He gets so angry but can be do lovely. I'm a mess and doubting myself. Am I over reacting? Any advice or comments good or bad will be much appreciated. I just need some perspective on this.

[Everybodyleaves]

For me, no trust = no relationship.

[2fargone]

I really want to though. God it's pathetic isn't it.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I used to work in a rehab and quite a few people turned up addicted to not-the-drug-of-choice years after their original addiction. If someone hasn't sorted out their issues, anything can become the DOC. I wouldn't want to risk kids with someone in that place...

[2Retts]

Same here Every.

The very fact that you're the only one shifting your boundaries would be enough for me to get out fast.

Everybody is so afraid of being controlling that it is now often thrown out as an accusation by a controlling person. In return the accused relaxes their boundaries or compromises their values. Is that acceptable to you in a loving and trusting relationship? Where will it end?

Hope you make the right choice for you 2Far

[2fargone]

Thank you both.

The whole thing scares me. I can see myself turning into someone I'm not. What's wrong with me?

I crave his affection (although I don't show it) but when I find out another thing, we talk, I feel we're making headway and then I find out something else. When I dare complain or confront him I'm being controlling, getting on his case, not understanding or not standing by him. It makes me confused?!

[Everybodyleaves]

Your ex-addict bf has used coke at least twice in recent months that you know of. I suspect there is only one direction that will go, as do you.

[Everybodyleaves]

You crave his affection. He craves coke. MrsTP has first hand experience of people with those issue, I don't.

Don't compromise yourself into oblivion. Love alone isn't enough to sustain a relationship, but you know this already. Be brave.

Help him if you can, but save yourself first.

[2Retts]

You're challenging behaviour which you not find acceptable...how exactly is that controlling?

If you were an alcoholic, would he find that acceptable? Would you expect him to?

[2Retts]

Totally agree with Every and MrsTP. The latter has first hand experience in a professional setting; why would anybody ignore that?

Is he willing to seek help? It really does just sound as though he expects you to accept this without question...are you prepared to?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I beg to differ OP; he is controlling and manipulating you. Nicely edging you into needing him and not rocking the boat.

Have a chat with someone who knows. www.adfam.org.uk/ are good. I don't know their work but there is also famanon.org.uk/

[2fargone]

Thank you both for your advice. I know you're right, I was going to say that I've got a lot of thinking to do but it's pretty obvious what I've got to do isn't it. Just feel so sad as when it's good it's amazing.

[2fargone]

I'm reading through those links as well. Thank you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If it wasn't amazing sometimes, you wouldn't keep with it. A bit like his relationship with drugs if you think about it. Still really unhealthy...

Good luck. I really hope he sorts himself out. Just in case you were thinking this; he won't change because you want him too and even if he does change, he probably shouldn't be in a relationship for a while in recovery.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You've only been together a year. Best to cut your losses.

[CarryOnDancing]

Run, don't wonder where this will end as you don't want to be present!

Drugs, being defensive, saying you aren't his wife is just like saying you aren't his mum. It's immature but I don't get the relevance other than highlighting to you that you can make a quick clean break right now.