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Relationships

Unsupportive DH... Views please, am I being precious?

21 replies

LittleMissRayofHope · 23/07/2014 00:12

Basically, my DH and I have been under some tension lately. We aren't great communicators (he is worse then me) and I am pregnant and it is Ramadan and we have a 2 year old. So we are currently tired tired people.
He snapped at me at the weekend over some rice. Not really important about the why, it was just an excuse to vent at me. This has been happening repeatedly lately and each time we have let thing blow over. This time I have struggled and we have barely spoken past necessity since Saturday evening.
Even at a growth scan we barely spoke or acknowledged each other.
I have found that I don't want to let it blow over as it keeps happening and he is then really angry at me, gets angrier cos I'm upset he has had a go at me (mostly for no good reason) and then he refuses to talk because he has no energy before eating and has no time after.

Anyway, tonight my sister was arrested - reasons irrelevant - I was worried and upset as you can imagine. He spoke to me with regard to procedures and possible outcomes and he did google a phone number for me to try to find out where she was etc. But not once did he make any contact with me. Not once did he ask if I'm ok. And then he went to bed without even saying goodnight.

I'm now sat in the living room doubly upset cos I just did this unfeeling uncaring behavious too hard to cope with.
Am I being precious? Should he have taken steps to set aside our arguement/bicker/whatever to at least comfort me?
I haven't said anything to him yet as I know if I do he will belittle everything I say and make out it's all in my head and that I'm the one being distant and he is 'giving me space'....
I just feel let down I guess.

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LittleMissRayofHope · 23/07/2014 00:13

*find this unfeeling uncaring.... Iphone and years make for bad grammer and spelling :(

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BlackeyedSusan · 23/07/2014 00:55

is he like this when you are not fasting?

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BelleOfTheBorstal · 23/07/2014 01:30

I am taking it that as you are pregnant, you are not fasting?
Is his behaviour like this when it isn't Ramadan?
Low blood sugar levels can turn people into horrible creatures but as he is now in bed, I take it he haso now eaten?
It might be a possibility that he is already having problems with insulin resistance (how your body processes glucose) and the fasting is effecting him badly as a consequence.

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tallwivglasses · 23/07/2014 02:37

Not precious at all. You needed a hug. Sad

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Thumbwitch · 23/07/2014 02:44

Good lord, he sounds very callous.
But I agree that it is important to know whether or not he is the same when he's not fasting, or is this just a feature of fasting?

Even so, it sounds like he doesn't have much sympathy/empathy going on - he did a few practical things for you but absolutely no emotional support whatsoever - does he actually love you at all?

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HumblePieMonster · 23/07/2014 06:00

If you are pregnant, you do not need to fast, surely? You can fast later, when you've finished breastfeeding.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2014 07:07

Is he usually like this during ramadan? He might be resentful that you aren't fasting. Not logical but possible. If as you say neither of you are good communicators and he is worse then you need to make time to address this properly. Why does he have no time to talk to you after Iftar?

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LittleMissRayofHope · 23/07/2014 07:59

I am not Muslim so I don't fast as standard anyway but definitely wouldn't consider it when pregnant!! He can be the nicest most loving person. I personally think he is one of those who is not prepared to put himself forward and into a position of vulnerability and risk being hurt. Which is stupid as were married and have (almost) 2 children.
He can be the most caring person, but he can be very distant and closed off.
He says he has no time to talk after Iftar as that is his time to relax and wind down and if I 'ruin' it by talking about such things then he gets very angry and starts shouting and then all logic goes from his head and it's pointless.

Thanks for replies. I just feel very distant at the moment. I feel like were playing a game and I hate game playing. But after seeing that he can't even find any energy to comfort me just makes me look at him a bit different. If it was the other way I would have dropped everything to support him.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 08:33

I think he's only caring when things are going his way and uses bad temper, ridicule and withdrawal of affection as a way to exert control. Nothing to do with fasting, nothing to do with not wanting to be hurt and everything to do with being a selfish bully.

Always stand up to bullies.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2014 09:30

Can I throw my two pennorth in from experience? My XH is Muslim and I am not. For the first 4 years he was living here I didn't fast during ramadan. I didn't even acknowledge it to be honest, ie I still had a glass of wine in the evening etc. I tried to prepare some nice things to eat for him but it was half hearted and I always saw ramadan as a period to be endured due to his bad moods, grumpiness and my assumption that it was a horrible time.
Then I decided to try fasting one year to see what it was all about. His grumpiness and moods melted away and he started to make an effort to prepare things for Iftar that we could share, and it finally saw why Muslims look forward to ramadan. I never got it before. In fact, fasting on your own in a household when you are used to big communal, family iftars is miserable. It was that that made my XH unhappy, not being hungry. The experience was tainted for him, in the way that Christmas might be for us if we lived in a house with someone who didn't care about it.
I'm not suggesting you fast, especially not now but not ever if you don't feel like it, but just maybe that might give you an idea about why he isn't being supportive. It might be unconscious rather than acknowledged.
Also, after Iftar you do feel pretty tired and relaxed. If it's likely to turn into an argument I can see why he would want to avoid it. I'm not excusing it, just empathising.

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LittleMissRayofHope · 23/07/2014 11:39

I fasted the first year we lived together. Ramadans since then I have been pregnant, breast feeding and pregnant again. Also the first year when I fasted he 'appreciated' my effort but said it made no difference and he didn't see he point.
I cook for and with him of an evening. We make a big ish deal out of it. He can be fine and happy during the day if he wants to be.
This all stems from snappy harsh words on Saturday evening and how I have kind of not just brushed it under te carpet.
My real question for this thread was to do with last nights events and I just felt that he was an uncaring insensitive b@stard to be honest.....

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2014 11:59

Ramadan is clearly a red herring then. I agree with you that he really isn't being a supportive partner. Has he always been like this?

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LittleMissRayofHope · 23/07/2014 12:58

Sometimes... He is quite changeable. I think that Ramadan does complicate things slightly as he is exhausted by this point, 3 weeks in and the days are very long and hot so I can see that he is feeling the strain but I just never thought for a moment that he would be so unsupportive and uncaring.... Has made me look at him a bit differently and I wondered if I was being a bit precious or hormonal. Seems I'm not and am justified in my anger towards him. Now just how to approach it as I know he will make out like I've been the moody one all week and he has no idea why etc....

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/07/2014 13:06

How I'd approach would be to tell him that if he has stresses, pressures, difficulties, (fast-related or otherwise) you're prepared to support him .... but you will not tolerate being snapped at or any other kind of unkind, unpleasant or uncaring behaviour. That's not being 'moody', it's being assertive.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/07/2014 13:34

I know little about Islam but however tactile or openly affectionate he is ordinarily, I thought during Ramadan it must be especially challenging because during the day couples neither touch nor kiss, (apologies if I have that wrong) which would intensify that feeling of distance.

The only thing I can think of is you have choices, to fast or not, to pray or not, and somehow he resents that you have this choice while he observes Ramadan. Is he concerned about/being pressured by outside influences regarding in what faith your DCs will be brought up?

He was helpful with factual things regarding your DSis so not completely ignoring you. But you feel upset and neglected so whatever stress he thinks he's under, you need some reassurance too.

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FoxInTheDesert · 23/07/2014 15:08

First of all Ramadan is the last excuse for arguments and rudeness. I don't behave in that manner with anyone in Ramadan (or anytime really), it's a time of kindness and generosity, not moodiness or arguments.

You say both of you don't communicate well, and though as I said Ramadan is not an excuse for his behaviour, I would also not seek arguments at this time. For now, ignore him and walk away. The fact the he is not supporting after your sister's arrest can be because he doesn't know how to support you.

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FoxInTheDesert · 23/07/2014 15:10

@Donkeys, during Ramadan you can be affectionate and loving to each other, hugging, giving a kiss to greet each other are allowed. But anything that gets you in the mood so to say is forbidden. Having arguments, shouting, swearing, backbiting, etc etc are also forbidden.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/07/2014 15:31

Thank you for explaining Fox.

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FoxInTheDesert · 23/07/2014 15:34

Anytime Donkeys Grin

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Jan45 · 23/07/2014 15:39

He sounds a rotten partner, regardless of Ramadan or whatever is going on, doesn't bode well if this is how he treats you when pregnant.

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LittleMissRayofHope · 25/07/2014 15:31

I don't think he feels pressure for the DC to be raised Muslim. He has stated that they will be and as I am not religious at all I didn't question this. But I did state that it was all down to him to do the religious education etc as it would be wrong coming from me. Our DD turned 2 yesterday and so far he has failed to do any of the traditional Muslim things like birth ceremony, didn't give her anything for eid last year.
He doesn't pray, he doesn't attend mosque so I kind of feel maybe Ramadan is extra hard for him cos he does the fasting but it has no meaning, no significance really.

He lost his temper big time on Wednesday, and he has not acknowledged me or spoken to me since. Even when we had company for dinner so today I have gone to stay at my mums as I just can't cope with this hostility anymore.
Genuinely wondering who he is right now

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