My husband is an utter arse, not sure if I want to LTB or just string him up by his bollocks

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

We were apparently TTC only I've clocked onto DH working longer hours during the 'best' week to dtd so that he's too tired to do anything.

He's also been feigning a rib injury this week. No bruising just saying he can't do any heavy lifting or anything active. Anyway he's snoring his head off next to me and I've done the dutiful wife thing and prodded him in the bad ribs (I know I know bad wife!) to get him to turn over. Nothing. No reaction. So I've elbowed him, twice, in said ribs - enough to make you wince if you didn't have a rib injury - and nothing.

I am absolutely livid with him. If he didn't want to TTC why not tell me? Why string me along with hopes of a baby when he's clearly got no intentions of seeing it through. I've tried to broach the subject of our lack of success before and he agrees we need to have more sex at the right times and more sex in general, but how can we when he shirks his side of things?

I am so angry I can't sleep right now I need to sleep I have work tomorrow but I want to elbow him so hard he is left with a sodding rib injury

[Seriouslyffs]

You do need to talk.
[flowers[

[BuggersMuddle]

Uh, whilst it's entirely possible that your DH is a twat of the highest order, we all sleep differently. Years ago I was like a ninja - slightest noise woke me. Later I got a stressful job, some health problems and that with various other factors means that the house could burn down around me and I wouldn't notice. Believe me this is not cool. I have actually been injured whilst sleeping and a

[DontPutMeDownForCardio]

Possibly he is put off sex if you're using him as a sperm machine? Maybe he doesn't enjoy the pressure? Can't believe you're actually trying to wake him up by deliberately trying to hurt him because he didn't fancy having sex.

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

I'm not deliberately trying to hurt him because he didn't want sex but because he is snoring I'm just doing the usual nudge in the ribs to make him roll over

[BuggersMuddle]

Oops - apparently screamed the place down but have no recollection of the event. Back to OP - surely just talk to DH? Unless he needed to be 'talked into' it, in which case perhaps he's feeling under pressure

[YouAreMyRain]

TTC is a nightmare. I could have happily murdered my exH when he failed to ejaculate (due to pressure presumably) when DTD during my most fertile period.

I remember hating sex with him because it was all about TTC and desperately wanting to just have sex for the sake of having sex. I was very close to having an affair because for me TTC took all passion out of our relationship.( For us, this was a very long time, about six fruitless yrs before we gave in and considered adoption)

Have a honest chat with him (difficult when things are so emotionally loaded I know)

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

I thought we talked about it, it always seems to be me doing the talking although he's the one who started the 'wanting a baby' conversations. He's always has a lower sex drive than me so I've really laid off trying it on with him to the extent I left him to instigate for a couple of months and we dtd once.

I can't believe he feels he has to fake an injury rather than talk to me.

And no I don't go around beating my husband up but I can't believe I'm the only person who elbows a snoring husband in the ribs to get him to roll over!

[YouAreMyRain]

Maybe he us just feeling the pressure. I totally understand how hideous this is for both of you

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

This isn't about the sex. It is in that he always avoids any form of sexual contact but it's more about him deliberately avoiding talking to me and deliberately working longer hours to make himself tired to avoid sex

It's his absolute inability to open his gob and talk to me

[YouAreMyRain]

It is about the sex. He knows how desperately you want a baby. He knows how upset and angry you will be if he admits he doesn't want sex. He is avoiding confrontation.

I never told my exH how angry I felt when he didn't want to DTD because I didn't want "that conversation" because I thought it would put more pressure on the sex and make things worse.

I imagine he feels like a sperm provider and is very unhappy. There is no easy answer.

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Then he needs to tell me that rather than when I ask him if that's the problem telling me it's not.

I've asked him several times should we stop ttc give up on it and just accept it may not happen and get on with enjoying life but it's him who says 'no I want a baby and I want one with you let's keep trying'

I don't know how many more 'outs' I can give him about it and why he has to be so bloody non communicative about everything

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Sorry I don't mean to be so abrupt and rude when you're all just trying to help me but I think I've hit a massive crossroads here. I'm in my 30s I need to make a choice and decide to stay with him and be childless and let him string me along like this or cut loose and take my chances I could end up alone and childless and he's made me angry that I'm having to think like this.

[YouAreMyRain]

How do you communicate generally/before TTC?

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Usually he sulks, I ask him what's up, he sulks some more insists nothing is wrong so I leave him to it, he gets snarky over something like I've left my shoes in the wrong place to start a row then it all comes out what he's been sulking about.

Me, I prefer the direct approach. I've got a problem I'll say I've got a problem.

[YouAreMyRain]

Maybe he just doesn't have a great awareness of when your more fertile times are? Maybe it's coincidence that he hurt his rib/works longer during those times? TTC robbed me of any ability to be rational about these things.

[bloodyteenagers]

So what you do not have sex this month. There's next month and more after that. Why does it have to be such a chore. Isn't sex supposed to be a pleasurable thing. Way to suck the pleasure out of something.

[YouAreMyRain]

So the chances are that he won't feel able to discuss his feelings about sex until things come to a head? You can't force him to talk until he is ready.

[YouAreMyRain]

bloodyteenagers - have you ever experienced fertility issues?

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Pretty much youare and then it's a really horrible discussion because it's in a row and we are both upset rather than sitting down and having an open calm conversation about it.

I just wish he would open his trap and tell me he doesn't want to have a baby, because I suspect that's the crux of it just he doesn't know how to back out of the decision.

If he told me that I could make peace with it and move on as a couple but I can't be doing with being strung along like this

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

Thing is we have been TTC for over 2 years now and it is getting too much for both of us but he wants to keep going, or so he's said verbally...

[Lovingfreedom]

Feel sorry for your partner. Leave him alone...nasty behaviour.

[Optimist1]

Sorry, but your comment "he always avoids any form of sexual contact" makes me think you've got more on your plate than just subterfuge about his ribs.

[Morethanalittlebitconfused]

optimist yes I know. But not something I can deal with when he employs avoidance tactics rather than discussing these things.

[PintOfWine]

Ok, so his actions are telling you he wants to stop, and you've recognised this, but you won't accept it until you have a direct confrontation with him about it and he says it out loud to you. Which, he's desperately trying to avoid.

And only then it's ok for him to feel like this?

How about you accept your DH isn't direct (like you) and this is his kind way of trying to tell you something he finds difficult to bring up.

Accept (for now in your head) that you are taking a 6 month break.

Relax. See what happens. He might open up once you stop demanding he does.