DP asking me to 'rate' his friends

[UnderEstherMate]

DP and I have been bickering a lot over the past few days as a result of misunderstandings, tiredness and, admittedly, my PMS. The atmosphere is quite tense, but he keeps doing weird things like casually showing me pictures of his friends (gym fanatics) topless and asking me whose abs I think are best. (I'm not into muscular men much and like DP as he is, but think he's trying to catch up with them.)

This makes me uncomfortable, firstly because I don't particularly want to see his friends without their shirts on, and secondly because I certainly don't want to have to 'rate' them! I explain this to DP, but he seems to think that I am just lying because apparently most ladies just fall at their feet (he hasn't said this, but this is the impression I'm getting.)

With the atmosphere already being so tense, this is just making me want to scream. It's causing unnecessary trust issues but I don't know how to approach it without another argument erupting.

[WhotheWhat]

Say he has to rate them first

[UnderEstherMate]

He already has! It sounds harmless I know but it feels as if he's sitting waiting for me to say I fancy his friends!

[RedRoom]

This is a minefield. Why not show you pics of neutral men from Men's Health if he's really aspiring towards good fitness and wants to see what women find attractive? If you rate one of his friends highly, will he use that against you at some point?
Just refuse and tell him that you have no interest in appraising his friends like bits of meat at a cattle market. If he can't accept your wishes about that, the issue is bigger than just rating guys out of 10.

[theendoftheendoftheend]

Rate them up to number 2 and when he asks who number 1 is you can point out it is, of course, him sounds like he's feeling insecure for some reason

[Egghead68]

What a knob. Just don't engage with it. Walk off and go and make a cup of tea or something.

[CommonBurdock]

Tell him you'll only be interested if they also take their boxer shorts off so you can rate the contents, that should shut him up.

[FatherJake]

I have a friend like this. Likes to get his wife to rate his mates and has got increasingly graphic as time has gone on. Also frequently asks his mates how much they fancy his wife etc. I actually find it a bit creepy. Suspect both my mate and your hubby have a bit of a fantasy thing going on.

[Thumbwitch]

He's not into threesomes or anything like that is he? Just thinking he might be getting you to unknowingly select one of his mates!

Just rate them all below 5 if he insists on this stupidity - say oily abs don't do it for you and if he wants to be with someone who will fall at his mates' feet then there's something wrong with him - why would anyone want that?

[HumblePieMonster]

Hmm. My thought was 'and the next step is he brings one home for you to try out and 'rate'...' He gets a kick out of this. Is that ok by you?

[WildBillfemale]

He's gay.

[combust22]

Very weird.

[ChasedByBees]

He obviously has an ulterior motive, whether it's setting you up because he's jealous or he wants a threesome so why not ask him what it is?

How long have you been together?

[LongTimeLurking]

Sounds a bit gay to be honest?

[ChanelCristalle]

I wouldn't walk in to that trap!

and although in the past I've felt angry when male colleagues where rating their female colleagues, I've never been invited or instructed to rate men!!. It doesn't occur to men that women notice that a man isn't particularly handsome or fit.

[Optimist1]

My gaydar's beeping, too!

[ChanelCristalle]

oiled up massive abs, that's what men think women love but I think most prefer a leaner kind of healthy physique, like a runner.

[BuzzardBird]

Don't engage, it will not end well. Whatever you say, the fall out will be all your fault. Keep your wits about you with this one

[Anniegetyourgun]

If it were XH he'd have been doing the entrapment thing later I'm sure, but there are several possible explanations - none of which reflect pretty well on your DP I'm afraid.

What about the other misunderstandings you mention?

[arsenaltilidie]

Sometimes mumsnet can get carried away.

Bodies from magazines are usually unrealistic, use steroids and air brushed, so a lot of gym nuts compare with friends.

I use a bodybuilding gym and a lot of theses guys love to compare their bodies with each other.
It's not uncommon for someone starting out to ask a partner who's body they think is the most attractive.

A calm conversation between the two of you is needed.
I'd be more worried he doesn't resort to steroids just to catch up with his mates.

[Dirtybadger]

Hmm. I am probably wrong because I'm in the minority but I thought he may just be a little bit boastful/body envious. I have a friend with a fantastic body (stunt double and sports model so works hard for it). I'm not sexually attracted to her, not my type, and although I would take her body if offered actually I'm not even particularly jealous. But I've shown a few people pictures (who used to know her when she was a gawky teenager). I have no idea why. I think maybe just because I think it's impressive and wrongly assume other people will be as impressed as me. As it is, they aren't because most aren't into fitness as much as me.

If your husband is into the gym he may be using them more as inspiration than being bitter and feeling inferior. Almost like he's proud to associate with them. If he's going through an obsessive faze then that is what I'd assume. I currently stay up at night watching videos of people running 100+ miles and have tried to show my mum and dsis clips of different people, etc. It's probably annoying. I am so inspired by them and as they're both runners assume they will be. They're not really interested. My fault, I shouldn't get so excited about it.

If you're uncomfortable seeing the pictures tell him you don't want to see them, and aren't bothered by his abs/body generally.

It probably is healthier for his inspiration to switch to "neutral ground", though, like someone else said. "This man can lift X and has done Z" is a probably a better thing to pursue than purely to go after the same body as someone with no functional training goals.

I realise I haven't been very helpful just wanted to offer an alternative explanation, as it were, to him being gay or trying to trap you. If your gut is telling you either of those then your gut is probably right but without being able to see it happening...I assumed as I said (relatively innocent).

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Sounds to me like he lacks confidence so is trying too hard to see what you consider a desirable physique. Did a former gf run off with a mate?

[Thumbwitch]

It isn't about showing the OP the pictures though. It's about the OP's partner asking her to rate them out of 10, that's the issue, not the actual photos.

[YvyB]

It's not the pictures that bother me, it's the fact he keeps pushing you to engage with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Could you not just calmly say "please don't ask me this again. It makes me uncomfortable and I'd like you to respect that."?

If he still persists, you've got a far more important issue to tackle than a few photos.

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

Perhaps they have said they fancy you. And he is jealous and thats why he is getting you to rate them; as maybe somewhere deep down, he is not that secure himself which could cause underlying trust issues?