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Relationships

Abusive ex, stalking, trying to take the kids and unreasonable demands...advice please!!

26 replies

zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 18:01

I posted a little while ago asking for advice on an abusive ex partner and now its all kicked off again. I can't get to speak to my solicitor until tomorrow but my head is spinning.

After 13 years of an abusive relationship, my ex finally left in January. I started off doing everything amicably, giving him days out with the children etc but he continued to still treat them badly and emotionally hurt them by saying things about me and putting them in awkward situations. Once he started that, I stopped contact on the advice of my solicitor and we are going to arrange supervised contact.

Yesterday he arranged with me to come to the house with a police escort to collect his belongings, at 10:30 whilst the children were at school (his suggestion).

When I got to school at 8:45 he was waiting there and followed me in. I asked him to go away but he refused so I had to get the police involved and be taken home. Once at the house the policeman helped me take the stuff from the house whilst the ex waited around the corner (yet he still came to the door and tried to intimidate me)

Then they left and I thought nothing more of it until I left to go to a client's house for work and saw him in the high street behind my house. When I got back home, the school rang and said he had gone into the school and told them he would be collecting the children.

I spoke to the police and my solicitor who advised me to go and collect them early. When I left to get them, I noticed he was parked in a car park up the road and as soon as he saw me he drove off towards the school. Police advised they would meet me there.

He went to both schools to try and collect the children but I already had them. He cornered us in the school grounds and repeatedly told the children to go with him and they'd get pizza but they didn't want to. I got school to let us back in and he followed despite me asking him not to.

We were put into the same rom and he started telling the children that although I had told him I was sorting contact that I actually hadn't and that he can just come and see them anyway - they then became upset and so I asked to be moved away from him until the police arrived.

The police took both sides and decided that we needed to be escorted home safely without him knowing and he was advised that if he came back to the house or nearby he'd be arrested.

Then he started texting last night and made a comment about someone I've started seeing which made me realise that he has been watching the house, as there's no way he'd know anything about it. I put it to him and he didn't deny it. He's now just sent me a text saying 'If you are in a relationship I need his name for my brief'

I don't have to tell him anything do I? He makes me doubt everything and feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I also feel sick at the thought that he's been sitting somewhere watching the house :(

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HumblePieMonster · 22/07/2014 18:19

You don't have to tell him anything. Log everything he does and update the police and your solicitor daily.
Is there any chance you can move away?

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 18:22

I'm seriously considering it. Through him getting us into arrears it may take me a while, but someone has offered to help me with it.

I just wanted to be sure in my own mind that I don't have to tell him anything.

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Mostlyjustaluker · 22/07/2014 18:23

Make sure the school are aware of this so he can't go and take the children during the day.

Do not reply to his messages, do everything through solicitor/ contact centre. Can you contact your mobile provider to block his number from your phone so he can't contact you.

Everything he turns up contact the police on 999 without hesitation.

Try contacting women's aid for advice.

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jayho · 22/07/2014 18:32

non molestation order with power of arrest? you can have him excluded fro a distance from your house.

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EarthWindFire · 22/07/2014 18:34

If you are married and get divorced and you are with someone you may have to give their details within your form E for financial disclosure, but not before then no.

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 18:41

My solicitor is through women's aid and is supposedly going for a non-molestation order, then residency and contact. Ex thinks it's taking too long and because nothing is in place he can do what he wants.

I get that he's probably annoyed that I've met someone else but he's just using it to cause hassle. We weren't together for years, we just co-existed in the sae miserable house.

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 18:43

We were never married, so it's just a clean break. At least I thought it was.

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tipsytrifle · 22/07/2014 18:51

This sounds utterly horrific and i just want to express my awe at your current sanity. Surely this has to be NC as far as the DC go now? As for the stalking, absolutely get him nailed with as many Orders as you can! And no response to any "questions" he may text, yell or whatever .... *shuddering at the thought of him

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/07/2014 18:57

Keep calling the police. They threatened to arrest him if he came near the house and they will regard his texts as the same level of intrusion. So please talk to the police every time he gets in touch. He is building a very convincing case against himself at the moment. Stupid as well as abusive.

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Bongobaby · 22/07/2014 19:43

See if you can also obtain a prohibited steps order that will prevent from removing the children from school. He sounds unhinged and won't stop until he is nipped in the bud. You really need to get a non molestation order on him aswell as said. You must absolutely log everything with 101 no matter how trivial or big as this will build up a picture of his behaviour when going for a non mol which may be heard first as ex party meaning he will not be there at the first hearing. Be aware that he may go to the second hearing to contest it.

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 19:57

He will absolutely contest it because in his head this is all me and my doing. Me stopping him seeing the kids for no reason, me hurting the kids by doing so, me being a horrendous and lazy mother etc etc. I'm not worried about that though, he is as Cogito says stupid as well as abusive.

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 19:59

I've requested that something interim is put into place whilst the solicitor is doing whatever she's doing about getting the non-molestation in place. Can emergency injunctions be put into place for things like this? or is that for people in absolute danger?

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 20:02

Tipsytrifle he's had no contact with the DC since April due to his various outbursts but this is why he's getting arsey and stating that since there's nothing in place yet he can turn up when he wants - which to a degree is frustratingly true. Although after him invading their 'safe' place at school yesterday the dc's have now taken a step backwards after they'd been coming on so well and dealing with things.

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MumOfTheMoos · 22/07/2014 20:06

You know texts count as threatening behaviour - if he texts you and you are in fear of him then that is a matter for the police. He doesn't have to be there in person - the law developed to take account of people stalking and harassing people by text, just like your ex is doing.

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tipsytrifle · 22/07/2014 20:08

zephyrcat - my apologies, yes ... you did say it was already n/c .... and yes, argghh .. how maddening is it that in theory nothing in place means everything's fine ... abducting kids is fine ... *sigh ...

You'd think NC was a something in place? I suppose that's what the Orders are to provide ... I think you and the children would count as being in absolute danger. If there's the tiniest chance of getting an emergency injunction then go for it! I don't know the practicalities but you have plenty of police involvement, albeit some of it less assertive than I'd have liked for you ...

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 22/07/2014 20:09

In the morning can you push your solicitor to see if she can speed up the non-molestation and prohibited steps orders? I thought they could happen quite quickly (as sadly speed is often needed)

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zephyrcat · 22/07/2014 20:13

Mumofthemoos I didn't realise that. I have kept the texts and some I did answer because I can't prove that he's been here by seeing him but the way I worded my reply andf then how he followed is, to me, enough to show that he has been here (he actually lives 50 or so miles away so he's been making a point of driving here, it's not coincidental)

Tipsytrifle the no contact is purely my decision based on his treatment of the dc - the solicitor has told me I'm well within my rights to do it, but technically it's nothing official.

Both the school and police said yesterday that it is currently very hard to do anything because of this ;/

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Bongobaby · 22/07/2014 21:52

Things can move very swiftly in regards to getting a non mol in place especially if you have womens aid involved. Both non mol and prohibited steps can be granted in one hearing.

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Bongobaby · 22/07/2014 21:54

If he had pr the schools hands are tied when it comes to letting the kids go home with him. Unless a court order is in place saying different and the school has seen proof of the order. Yes he is an abusive man and you do not have to put up with it.

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EarthWindFire · 22/07/2014 22:04

Things can move very swiftly in regards to getting a non mol in place especially if you have womens aid involved. Both non mol and prohibited steps can be granted in one hearing.

Yes they may, but don't forget that he will have a hearing in which he will be given the opportunity to defend the non mol etc. keep all of your evidence.

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Bongobaby · 22/07/2014 22:25

Abusive men like him relish the chance to contest a non mol. So keep strong and know that you are doing the right thing to keep his behaviour in check. He is not above the law. You and your dc deserve and have a right to be and feel safe from him and his nonsense.
You should be able to get an emergency hearing for this through womens aid who are very good at helping in these situations.

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PedantMarina · 23/07/2014 04:35

And think about the good you're doing your DCs, not just in keeping ex away, but in being tiger mum for them.

Stay strong.

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happyzapper · 23/07/2014 05:56

You dont have to tell him anything he abused you and i recomend you take him to court for harrasment stalking and abuse .dont let him hurt your kids memories get advise from a lawyer immeadiatly

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happyzapper · 23/07/2014 05:57

Stay strong and dont say anything

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Lweji · 23/07/2014 06:10

See what your solicitor says about all this, but it may be worth contacting NCDV for an emergency injunction.
24 hour help line 0844 8044 999 and free service.

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