What do you think about this.

[NacMacFeeglie]

Bit of a non thread but I just feel weird about it. My mum and dad split when I was two. I have just discovered that my dad was seeing and sleeping with my mum when she was fourteen years old. He was twenty two

It's in the past now but my dad was not great when he found out I was being abused as a child. I can't help thinking maybe it's a guilty conscience. Thoughts?

[AnyFucker]

What do I think ?

I think your father is a sexual abuser of children

Sorry about that

[Wonc]

Sad for you OP . How did you find out and how are you feeling about it?

[NacMacFeeglie]

That's what I think too AF. I grew up very much daddies little girl and thought the absolute world of him. As I've got older and had kids of my own I no longer feel that way

He and my mother married when she was sixteen. My brother arrived when she was eighteen and I when she was twenty. They then split and he got full custody.

When I told my dad about my abuse when I was ten it was brushed under the carpet. Recently he said it was kids being kids. Which it was not. I guess this maybe explains to me why he has never stood up for me.

[NacMacFeeglie]

My mum told me. She hadn't kept it a secret as such but recently I received counselling for the abuse and things got heated with my family and I. I am now nc with them except for my brother and my mother.

I don't know how I feel. If it was my fourteen year old child id be reporting to the police quick sharp. It was a long time ago now but after years of not understanding why my mother moved away and not understanding why my dad didn't respond in a way I would expect a parent would do to finding out their child was abused it's all making sense.

[NacMacFeeglie]

It also makes me wonder if abusers run in families. My dad is an abuser of my fourteen year old mother. My cousin abused my own brother. My other cousin abused me. All on my fathers side.

[Wonc]

Oh Nac. I'm so sorry to hear this and very sorry you were not helped as a child when you disclosed the abuse. It sounds as though you and your DM and DB are definitely better off without him.

[AnyFucker]

That is horrific, Nac

Why did your father get custody of you as children ?

[NacMacFeeglie]

I'm okay wonc. I've put a lot of demons to rest regarding my own abuse and it no longer troubles me as much as it did before counselling. I also confronted him and exposed what he did to all my family. I found my voice

I choose to let the past lie and am focusing on having a happy present.

I'm just so muddled about my father. I've loved him all my life. Yet he let me down and he was violent to my brother. And now I find he was with my mother when she was fourteen. It hasn't really sank in yet.

[NacMacFeeglie]

My father played dirty AF. He was having an affair with his sister in law whilst his brother was dying from ms. My mother found out and they split. He then got together with his sister in law when his brother died.

My mum had nowhere to live and was only twenty two years old. She had no job and no support. My father told her grandparents that of they didn't support him in court they wouldn't get to see my brother and I.

My brother was born at thirty weeks and both he and my mother nearly died. Due to being premature my brother stammered and wet the bed for a long time. He was a very slow learner at school too. My father used this in court to say my mother was neglecting him and he was scared of my mother.

My mother didn't attend some of the court hearings. She attempted an overdose. My father was awarded full custody and she was given visitation rights.

[Wonc]

You sound like a survivor. Well done Nac.
He sounds like an evil arse.
Worse than an evil arse.

[AnyFucker]

Christ almighty, your father is a cunt.

[NacMacFeeglie]

Thanks wonc I am most definitely a survivor. Too stubborn to be anything else

And yes AF. My father is a cunt. As coincidences happen my mother just came round for her lunch break. We've been speaking and she has always refused to allow herself to think of what happened to her as abuse. But she knows that's what it is. My father in effect groomed her. Married her. Had kids with her then cheated on her and took her kids away from her.

I believe he is very much a narc. And I think this is the final piece of a long long puzzle I've been trying to work out for so many years. Why he didn't want me in contact with her for a start.

I'm sad for my mum. She was only fourteen. Married as a child. Had kids as a child and had them taken from her as a child. She had eleven settled years with a man and after that the years have been rocky for her. Relationships with unsuitable men that have ended up violent and or emotionally abusive. I know the pattern well as it's been mine too. And I know a lot of how I am with men comes from my own abuse. My father literally screwed up her life.

I think it's safe to say I now have no doubts at all about staying nc.

[Bruins]

Your post raises old issues for me too OP. My father died when I was eight, and I have lovely memories of him. But as I have got older I have had to face up to certain facts that are quite upsetting. He met my mum when she was 14 and he was about 37. She was married at 16 with a baby and an 8 year old stepson to care for.
One of my brothers had a liking for younger girls, including my own daughter. I too wonder if certain abuse can run in families.

It is so upsetting, isn't it Nac when the scales fall from your eyes. I too was a daddies girl.

[NacMacFeeglie]

I'm sorry to hear that bruins I accept how things have happened with me but I hate knowing others have the same or worse.

I'm sad for the father I thought I had. But I'm proud of my morals and of my parenting. We can't change what some people are so I am just focussing on my own little family x

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry too, bruins

[neiljames77]

I hope it doesn't sound patronising but you have my total admiration for coming through shit like this. You must be really strong people, Bruins and Nac.

[NacMacFeeglie]

No not patronising. Just sad that my own family can't see that. The cousin that abused my brother he was like a brother to me. We grew up together as he was my dads sister in laws son. I loved the bones off him. To find out he abused my own blood brother broke my heart. He commited suicide a few months after I challenged him on it. He was twenty four. He had also been abused.

My best friend at the time , a gay man of forty commited suicide the following month. He maintained he had been abused at the age of eight by his uncle and believed the abuse to set his gender preference. It happened so often he actually came to like it. My ex fiancé found him hanging.

Because of all this I obviously have really really strong views about abuse. And the fact that my father is an abuser means that there is no way forward for us now.

[neiljames77]

It's horrific. I hope there is a way forward for you Nac. I hope you can obviously not block these things out, (that probably wouldn't do you any good to suppress it) But I hope you can, in time, deal with it and build yourself a new life and leave all the crap in your past. Good luck.