Delayed relationship grief?

[Whatshappenin]

After some experience please :-)

I have been separated from my ex husband for nearly 8 years, we were 21 & 23 when we first got together and things were perfect. After 3 years together we got married and a year later he left me.

Reason, I did pay him enough attention or engage in relations enough for him.

At the time I was relieved he left, things hadn't been good for around 6-12 months, in fact we probably got married to try and save things if I'm honest. We ended up hating each other.

Shortly after by chance I met someone else, only after that point did he decide he wanted a divorce, as before he had said he was in no rush?

The divorce was finally granted 18 months later, and I went on to re marry. I've been remarried for coming up to 5 years and we have a family together and very happy :-)

I have in the past tried to reach out to my ex husband, to form closure and so we are at peace with each other. Conversations started off fine, with him even telling me over 2 years after he left that he would love me til his dying day but it would just never have worked between us. Then he would turn and start throwing stuff at me....til in the end there was no point. We've not spoken since just before I re married, which suited my fine.

Then seemingly out of no where latter part of last year I started thinking about him, questioning myself, was it my fault, what did I do wrong, why can't we be friends or civil, I got angry, I got down over it ......I feel like I'm eventually grieving for the loss of the relationship. Sometimes I even have romantic notions, what it would be like to see him again, does he still love me, think about me......I'm driving myself insane :-( I've never once contacted him, and never will, but I sit and wish he would, so we could eventually part on good terms.

It feels like a gaping wound that can't heal itself.....and I feel in total limbo ....I'm not sure what to do or how to move forwarded with this. I love my current husband very much, and feel I'm being unkind to him by feeling like this.

Any words of wisdom would gratefully be received x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you're struggling because your first relationship had an emotionally abusive element. I'm guessing a lot in order to say that and filling in gaps with information you haven't given but if you were told that you didn't "pay him enough attention or engage in relations enough for him" then it sounds as though he was quite demanding. Assuming 'relations' means 'sex', did he put you under a lot of pressure there? His behaviour since.... telling you he loves you followed by throwing things?.... sounds contradictory at best, unstable at worst. Your delayed reaction... wondering if you were to blame for not being good enough... is quite typical of survivors of abusive relationships.

Does any of this make any sense to you or am I completely wide of the mark?

[mumtosome61]

First of all, cut yourself some slack - be kind to yourself, you are allowed to feel emotions and you are not being unkind to your current DH, unless you were thinking of acting upon your feelings which you've explicitly said you wouldn't.

You probably are grieving - and that's fine. What we feel when we are young adults differs to what we feel as we get older - we either gain or lose clarity on situations, and sometimes we can wistfully recount previous experience or see the stark reality of a situation - it can go either way.

It sounds as if you are indeed lacking closure on the situation. He left you and then made you feel guilty with to and fro declarations about how he felt - no wonder it has left you feeling raw about the situation.

Could you have done more? Were you to blame? Even if you were, you did what you could at the time. You may have learnt more 'skills' since then, but if your exH couldn't stick around to grow together that isn't your fault. Maybe the marriage, like you said, was to try and save a relationship - plenty of people have done it, and it doesn't make you bad people; you were young, possibly inexperienced and potentially led by example or pressure from what you felt was right.

You have to make peace in your own head with what happened - he may never be capable of doing so, and having a relationship with someone which ended on bad terms is not, in most situations, easy to do. Don't invite doubt and despair into your head; talking about the relationship with him will possibly only create more problems, and overthinking something without having answers will drive you to assume or suspect other motives. A lot of ex partners do not want to have relationships with their exes; it's just the way it goes - some do and sometimes it works; in my experience, a relationship that has ended badly is rarely rectified later.

I had this a couple of years ago after splitting with the ex I met after my long term boyfriend in my early 20's - I had many thoughts like you, even romantic notions. It's unnerving - I identified that the reasons I felt that way were largely due to having no closure on the situation, and the way my ex made me feel after the break up by going off with someone else and goading me. He's now married to that woman, and even though I sometimes get a pang of anger and regret I also recognise that we were both very young (22) and holding onto these emotions about something I cannot change does no good. I feel upset that we ended the way we did, but happy that I am at peace with the situation and that we both did what we could at the time, even if it wasn't what some would say was enough (largely in hindsight).

Lastly - there isn't much you can get out of talking to your ex. Rehashing the reasons you split after so long doesn't really get to the bottom of exactly how you both felt at the time - the time that has passed since you split is quite long and will probably cloud judgement or have new meaning to situations. Concentrate on what you do have, as I'm sure you are, and do not make yourself feel anything less than human for having those emotions - we all do, even if some don't admit to it.

x

[Whatshappenin]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply I really appreciate it, I think talking about these situations to people that don't know you or the other party can really help; so thank you.

Firstly to 'CogitoErgoSometimes'

Yes, spot on it was an abusive relationship, emotionally not physically, but I've began to understand that both types can be equally as damaging.
Everything was lovely, he was lovely until he had an accident that prevented him from continue to compete in a sport that he loved. We had a tough time as it meant he was unable to work for a year and was in hospital a long time. I was the only wage earner so juggled finances as well as emotionally being there for him.

I will be honest and say I didn't like the sport he was involved with as 'drinking' seemed to be the massive social aspect of it, which really caused us some issues. He would not know when to stop and I would be trying to find him on occasions or waiting til the next morning for him to appear. Because I resented that he concluded that I had 'willed' the accident upon him in order for him to stop playing the sport.

It began from there really, sexual relations yes was a big part of it, I was tired, drained and slowly started with withdraw from wanting to engage as often as he wished (weekly to once a month for example) When he re entered working it was a skilled manual job where it would seem his work mates to pass the time would go on about how great their wives were, giving them whatever they wanted whenever they wanted....this began to make him feel inadequate & thus passed on to myself in frustration.
He would start doing romantic gestures which was lovely but I soon came to realise that they were done in order for him to receive something afterwards, it left me feeling constantly under pressure.

Him being a control freak soon ensued.

He started spending less and less time at home, he was working sometimes 7 days a week from early hours then would go to the gym, extra college courses etc after work until it got to the point I saw him one night a week. Something eventually had to give and one evening we had a big row, it was never sorted out and he went to work the next day.......I called in sick. He returned home and told me he was leaving me.

He told me although he did not want to try and work things out he didn't want to get divorced just yet, part of me wonders was he wanting to see if I would fight for him, or he could go off had have some fun then when he was done come back to me. I don't know, and never found out as I didn't give him the opportunity.

mumtosome61 I think you are spot on, I do blame myself, I question; could I have done more to please him and yes I probably could, I know I have my part to play in what happened, I did stop giving him attention and I would retaliate saying hurtful things to - he was not fully to blame and I can accept my side of things. I sadly have always been a person who will sort out a problem, argument, falling out....whether its a family member, friend or an ex - he is the only one I'm not friends with and I am the only one he is not friends with.

It really chips away at me even still....as you can tell. I just don't know how to find my closure.

[mumtosome61]

Having heard more of the backstory, OP, I think you have EVERY reason for withdrawing - he sounds like he was prime for any opportunity to blame you for HIS inadequacy (note, not yours - his!) - you stopped giving him attention? You did so for a good reason; he made you feel as if your opinion and role as a wife was underappreciated and he undermined you. I don't think you'd find many women (or men) who would put up with that for long stretches at a time, nevermind adding into the mix the financial stress of his injury.

Maybe communicating how you felt at the time would have worked, but by the sounds of it, it seems that any chance you had to explain how you felt would be met with an opportunity for your ExH to make you feel crappy about the situation - rather than him addressing the collaborative issue. You acted back to him in the way any person would be, especially a young adult - you fought because you felt threatened. That was pure fight/flight instinct right there, and many would have taken the opportunity to leave before you did. In essence, you saved yourself from what sounds like a miserable, unequal relationship.

Please don't answer questions if they are too hard, but I will ask;

What do you think you'd get out of being friends with him now? Think about the relationships you have with friends - is it based on hobbies, experiences, familiarity? Is there anything (apart from the fact you shared your life and were married) that would realistically bind you to this person if you were to meet without knowing one another in the street?

Could you be prepared for if you did got back in contact, he may never give you the answers you perhaps wouldn't ask, but wonder? You blame yourself, but does he blame you? And if he did, wouldn't that make you feel worse? If he wanted to avoid discussing your prior marriage, would you be prepared to see it as a clean slate? I too like to make things right with people and hate leaving things unsaid or allowing tension to build, but sadly we cannot always make it right with everyone - that isn't your fault either.


Sometimes I think of it this way. If you were advising, objectively, a friend in a similar position knowing what you know, what would you say? It's OK to foot some of the blame to what happened, but I genuinely think you need to reread some of what you've explained to us about your ExH behaviour and attitude towards you during your marriage and since you broke up; he may have changed now, true - but you were not to blame for what he caused you and your closure could come in the form of you letting go of your guilt that you didn't try hard enough. Would you feel the same way if an objective friend told you all that? Would you feel he or she should harbour some guilt over the situation?

[YvyB]

You need to stop looking. These 'types' of people are not like 'us'. It really doesn't matter to them that there's a tidy, dignified ending because in their head YOU are not real. You are just a 'thing' in their sphere of existence. My exh got very angry that I'd taken our wedding photos down after he left. He had no ability to realise that I was a person with thoughts and feelings - I was just a thing that had dared to make a change to an environment he felt he had sole control over.

In a way, that is your closure - it didnt work because he didn't recognise you as a person with an emotional and physical existence in your own, individual right and that is why it would never have worked. It's sad becsuse they LOOK normal and it's so tempting to think that there's a normal person in there if only you try hard enough/say the right things etc etc but there really, really isn't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"It really chips away at me even still....as you can tell. I just don't know how to find my closure."

You won't find closure on this one until you accept that this was a no-win, emotionally abusive relationship. He preferred to set you up to fail rather than take responsibility for his own actions, inadequacies and attitudes. He will have provoked you into saying things you later regret precisely so that he could say 'See? You must share the blame'.

Whatever you did or said he would never have been satisfied and that is not a criticism of you, it's simply the dynamic common to all emotionally abusive relationships. Also common is that semi-obsessional quality of guilt which is still haunting you now.

Even though it's a long time ago, you could possibly benefit from checking out the Freedom Programme. Many people also recommend a book called 'Why Does He Do That?'. People like your ex are damaged and damaging. They never acknowledge fault, let alone apologise. You have to make peace with yourself as they have no interest in doing it for you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"he didn't want to get divorced just yet, part of me wonders was he wanting to see if I would fight for him"

This part... A controlling, angry man will often threaten divorce if they think they are on safe ground and you won't leave. They use it as a way to scare a disobedient woman into shaping up. If he leaves but wants to put off the divorce, that's an attempt to keep controlling your life. They don't want you but they don't want you to move on either.

Was it rugby and was it a head/spinal injury?