mums who get in new relationships, do you still see yourself as a single parent?

[crazylady321]

Just curious, Im talking about moving in together, getting married etc.

I moved in with my partner around 6 weeks ago so still early days I have 4 children with my ex and had been a single parent for 4 years.

So on paper (eg working tax credit, council tax etc) I am no longer a single parent and im fine with that BUT in reality nothing has changed. I mean I dont expect him to start running around after the kids and disciplining them etc. He is great with them at playing and chatting and tbh I am happy with how things are but as a mum I feel like nothing has changed in the house apart from hes there every night and hes company for me.

And after a conversation with my mum today she has said I will always be a single mum in reality with or without a man, she is a very negative person best of times (with reason the crap shes had in her life) but I just felt quite unsettled by it cant explain really, but it did make me realise that omg shes right nothing has changed at all... Should I be expecting it to?

I mean as I said They are my children and I dont want him taking over or anything, hes still finding his feet and the kids are still finding theirs having him here all the time.

I know im rambling but just curious to know how others have dealt with the changes, and hoping that I will feel less of a single parent at some point, especially as pregnant

[crazylady321]

Should point out he works long hours and goes bed early but does help me with chores, and hes been a dab hand sorting the garden out lately. Just dont want make him out to be a lazy layabout :)

[PinklePurr]

I don't feel like a single parent anymore. Yes I do all the discipline as DP says that's not his job, but he does more playing.

I suppose it's having the emotional and physical support there. I know that if DS was taken ill tonight DP would be with us all the way.

[ChanelNo19]

Yes I would. I don't know if I could really expect a new partner to support me with the actual parenting of my children. Saying that, I wouldn't tolerate a man who stood there watching while I struggled. So. Single it is then.

[ChanelNo19]

ps, so I sort of agree with your mum but in a less negative way. I personally would still feel like a single parent but I could imagine that some adults can live together where one has children and the other doesn't and if they're both good people who really want to make it work and are prepared to give and take then i don't see why it wouldn't work and everybody couldn't be HAPPY. A single parent, her children, her partner, all under the one roof and it could work very well.

[vintagenurse]

I have to say its totally different from my point of view. I have 2 DC (8 and 10) and DH has 2 DC (12and 14). Only my kids live us full time and we have been together 6 years, living together for 2.

I don't consider myself a single parent at all now. I consider and DH does as well, he is not their dad, but we parent my children together. We both discipline them, we both do homework with them, DH does his fair share of running them about, he cuddles and comforts them and gives them advice. He will work from home if one of them sick. I do consider us as one equal family rather than 'me and my kids' and 'Dh and his kids' - a family of two halves if you like.

It works slightly differently for me and my DSC as they are only here every other weekend, so I wouldn't say I have a parenting role as such with them, but we still treat al the kids the same when they are with us.

[crazylady321]

yer im pregnant with his baby. Been with him 15 months so still fairly new but known him lot longer.

My kids see their dad regually and hes great they dont need him to take on a father roll, I love the fact he gets on really well with them though.

He has a son who is 7 and although I dont know what he was like with him has a baby ive heard good things about him been very hands on and he assures me he will be doing his fair share of dirty nappies and late night feeds so I guess we may feel more like a family then

[vintagenurse]

I forgot to add, my children do still see their dad regularly and he is a big part of their lives, although one of the Disney dad variety

[crazylady321]

vintagenurse - That sounds like a good set up :). Do your dcs have contact with their dad (sorry for been nosey). I do know people who have been brought up by step dad as a real dad but they havent known their real dad.

ChanelNo19 - I agree completely. My OH has offered before to step in and help me out a couple of occasions on a night when they arent going to bed it is nice for that support and whats more it worked but then I felt bad thinking omg my sons going to hate him now hes had words with him (not that he was nasty or raised is voice or anything), but it was my 2 boys who were fighting at bedtime and not going to bed and I felt terrible after having sickness all day I just wanted my bed, they looked mortified that I was just stood in silence while he was talking to them. He was so calm not like me and I doubt their dad would of been so calm either. Im sure with his own he may not be as laid back though

[PoirotsMoustache]

I don't see myself as a single parent any more. We've only been married and living together for a month, but I absolutely feel that it's a partnership. I do most of the parenting, yes, but DH backs me up where and when I need it, he interacts with my DS, looks after him if I have to pop out anywhere, and helps him out with stuff that I'm not so good at.

It's wonderful sometimes to have DH there to back me up when dealing with DS - when DH says 'enough', DS actually listens!

[ChanelCristalle]

yes vintage, sounds like a good set up. I wouldn't settle for anything less now.

[10twinkle10]

I don't think I've ever really seen myself as a single parent tbh although technically I am/was. After splitting with my exH I was single for a couple of years but he was and still is a central part of our DD life. I have been with my DP for a two years now and we live together and he is fantastic with my DD and a wonderful part of both of our lives.

I think my situation has also been easier than most as I have lots of family support so have never really felt alone.

[Dontgotosleep]

I'm in relationship. He was supposed to be a ons but somehow 14 months later we're still together. He doesn't live with me though, fuck that a few nights action a week suits us both fine.
Yes I do still see myself as a single mum

[purpleroses]

Yes and no really. I've been with DP for 4 years, and he's been DH for a couple of months now :-) We do help out with each other's DCs, and do tell them off if they're out of order. I can't see how you could do otherwise really if you both have DC of a similar age. Like you though my DC do see their dad regularly, so DH isn't trying to be their dad.

Ways in which I do still feel like a single parent:

• I still make all the decisions about my DCs pretty much on my own. I might ask DH's views, or my ex's but it's always entirely my choice at the end, and my responsibility
  
• DH has his own DC and a job with long hours - he's good to my DC, but I don't really expect him to be responsible for them. I always ask if I want him to look after them for me - in a way you wouldn't I think if they were joint DC
  
• I still have all the practicalities of sorting out my DCs lives between two houses - just like I did as a single parent.
  
  But - I'm not a single parent in that:
  
• I'm not single (ie in a relationship sense) ie not dating, etc
  
• I do have someone who comes home to me every night, who I can talk to. That's a huge support, which I didn't have as a single parent. I know there's someone who can look after me if I'm ill, or care for the DC if I couldn't.
  
• DH helps support me and the DC financially, and I feel secure knowing he would do more if I was to lose my job. Previously benefits would have been my back up option (and possibly losing my home) so it's nice to have that financial security
  
• When we go out and about we look like a family - people treat us as a two parent family. I'm not seen as a single parent by society so much. I have a wedding ring on my finger now.
  
  So on balance I wouldn't describe myself as a single parent. If I need to explain the set up with my children I would say "I'm not with DC's dad" Or may even say that I'm remarried (which isn't strictly true as I was never married to their dad, but it explains the situation well)

[erastobag]

I've been with DH for seven years, married for two of those. I considered myself a single parent up until the day we got married (the day I had to sign off tax credits/housing benefit). I left my DD's bio dad when I was pg, and he's never been part of our lives. DH doesn't have DC of his own, which makes things simpler. I couldn't have coped with all the complications of a merged family with dc on both sides. But DD was too old when we got together for him to take on the role of 'dad' - she calls him by his first name and knows that he isn't her dad.

Before we got married and lived together, I certainly continued to see myself as a single parent, even though I was in a relationship. I took all the day to day responsibility for DD, made all the big decisions, and was the one who paid for all her essential expenses, although DH would sometimes pay for days out/treats when we went out on trips/holidays. On paper I was still claiming as a single parent.

Now we've married and have a new home together, he's more integrated in our lives and I don't think I'm viewed as a single parent by anyone I know. I take more responsibility still for the big decisions, but we're all happy with that (I don't feel I need his input as I've been doing it well for all these years, and he doesn't understand a lot of the UK education system as he didn't grow up here). I still do a lot of the day to day things, but that makes sense in our household because of mine/DH's work patterns. I don't think that is unusual even in a traditional family. Our finances are shared, with the bulk of it being DH's salary and he regards DD's expenses as his responsibility. He will stay in while I go out in the evenings, but as she's a teenager she doesn't really need much looking after. I was already happy enough to leave her at home alone when I popped out for short periods anyway. I've not yet been in a situation like being ill where I've needed him to take on a full caring role, but I know he would rise up to it.

[crazylady321]

Aww thanks its been nice to hear everyones experience think they are all spot on and so positive. I guess it will take time but we will get there and its not like its a major issue for.

10twinkle10 - Yes can relate to you although I have felt like a single parent the ex has always been a major part of our lives I know I can turn to him for anything, I know people (including my OH) find it bit weird we get on so well but I like it, I must say since hes moved in with his partner a couple years ago ive tried not to rely on him so much.

erastobag - Can imagine it is easier not havig to deal with merged families although both me and my partner knew easch other before hand and we knew we both had children so guess we had the choice