My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think ive finally managed to push him away

19 replies

LEMmingaround · 21/07/2014 22:40

I don't know where to start, me, my mental illness and my mother have finally pushed my DP of 22 years away. He is DD2's dad and she adores him, i don't know if she would be better with him?

But what the fuck do i do? Ive no money, no job (one of the reasons he has had enough of me), no where to go. We own our house but are in mortgage arrears (not seriously but enough to mean selling is out of the question). We were getting back on our feet financially.

My mother is behind this final straw. I ordered her a washing machine online, she hates it, my fault bla bla bla. Screaming at me down the phone. I go round today to take her dog out - she is "ill" on the sofa. Ive made her ill apprently by ordering such a shit washing machine. You couldnt make it up. Also she is seething with jealousy becuase i have been helping out a friend by walking her dog - my friend pays me to do this and has just had a mastectomy so i have been supporting her until her family could come from over seas. My mum says im only worried about other people. My friend could die ffs!! I felt good helping my friend but i knew there would be trouble over it. So basically today she told me she wants no more to do with me bla bla bla - again! Its DD's birthday on wednesday and there will be no present because I haven't organised it because im too busy running after other people. My running after other people this week ironically hasn't been walking my friends dog but working with DP, shifting untold weight - i literally nearly collapsed on the job, i was so exhausted on friday.

All of this resulted in me having a panic attack on the beach and phoning DP and screaming at him down the phone. I was wrong wrong wrong - he has had enough has been short with me all day. It all kicked off again tonight as my mother summoned me and whilst i thought, don't jump for her, i went running as i wanted to smooth things over before DD's birthday, i don't care about presents but want her to have a nice day. So i came back and banged on the door harder than i should have, dp went ballistic so i just sat down and did rainbow loom with DD. which inevitably went wrong as i am totally cack handed.

The long and the short of it- DP has had enough and we are finished. its my dd's birthday in two days, I don't think i can hold it together and i just want to die really. my fucking mental health has prevented me from getting a job as i just get too anxious and the last time i worked i had a nervous breakdown. I am weak and pathetic and its ruined not only my life but his too. It will ruin my daughters life as well.

I don't know what to do. Please someone help me

OP posts:
Report
settingsitting · 21/07/2014 22:45

I dont want to downplay anything, but do you think that this is merely a row with your dp?
[your relationship with your mum is a different matter]

Report
LEMmingaround · 21/07/2014 22:46

no, he has just told me again that he wants me finish, he said we will see dd's birthday out but afterthat i need to decidewhat i want to do.

OP posts:
Report
MaryMungoAndMidgies · 21/07/2014 22:49

Deep breath, sweetheart.

You are not weak and pathetic my lass, you have had too much thrown on your plate. Your DP will likely calm down and you'll be able to talk this over. Don't do anything rash lass, I know it will be hard but try to get some sleep.

Can anyone come round to sit with you?

Report
settingsitting · 21/07/2014 22:50

Agree with Comin.

Report
LEMmingaround · 21/07/2014 23:14

i begged him and he agreed to stay but hes getting more and more angry- he says i am destroying him. I have to let him go don't i? This is going to destroy my dd. I will leave her with her daddy.

OP posts:
Report
PlantsAndFlowers · 21/07/2014 23:24

You do need to let him go, if that's what he wants.

Report
LEMmingaround · 21/07/2014 23:25

i know plants - its killing me

OP posts:
Report
EveMarieSaint · 22/07/2014 00:01

What a shock. Try not to think too much now and focus on deep breaths. You say you have MH issues - do you have any medication that could help you to calm down?

You sound exhausted. You deserve to rest and recoup tonight. Things may be completely different in the morning.

Report
EveMarieSaint · 22/07/2014 00:05

Do you think you could call Samaratins?

Report
areyoumymother · 22/07/2014 00:25

You poor love. Stop blaming yourself for everything, that doesn't matter now.

Can you make yourself a hot drink? Put some sugar in it, even if you don't take sugar usually. You could be suffering from a bit of shock.

Don't worry tonight about letting him go/not letting him go. You couldn't keep him with you if he doesn't want to stay no matter what you said. But you might find you want to have another chat at some point over the next few days to see if there are any changes that could be made by both of you moving forward. If he's willing.

Sounds like everyone's exhausted and needs to recuperate for tonight, be gentle with each other. You've been through a hard time. Call Samaritans, if there's nobody else to try, and try to eat some toast if you possibly can. The support here is amazing and you won't feel alone. Flowers

Report
unrealhousewife · 22/07/2014 00:30

You are blurring everything together, you need to look at these people as individuals with an individual relationship with you.

Your mother sounds like a bully.
Your partner you haven't really talked about yet so I can't comment.
Your daughter is clearly your priority.

First off you don't have to discuss anything about your daughter's birthday with your mother. Tomorrow you go and buy some nice presents for her and give her the best birthday you can.

Your problems may be all about your mother and very little to do with DP. I think you should keep your mother at arms length for a while, focus on DD and try and be civil to DP while you work things out.

When you get yourself together a bit take a look at the 'Stately Homes' thread.

Report
LEMmingaround · 22/07/2014 09:03

Well he agreed to stay nut I feel manipulated

OP posts:
Report
hellsbellsmelons · 22/07/2014 09:15

I think you need to look up 'narcissistic personality disorder' and see if it fits your mother.
She sounds totally toxic and is bringing you down.
There are books out there you can read like 'Toxic Parents; overcoming their hurtful legacy.'
Many many children have had to 'cut out' toxic parents for their own sanity and health.
It may seem impossible but I think you may find your mental health improves if you are not trying to please your mother all the time.
Are you currently having counselling/therapy?
Are you on meds for your anxiety?

You do need to decide what you want to do.
Do you want to continue to put yourself, your DH and your relationship on the back burner while you run around trying to please everyone else or is it time to concentrate on you and your DH and DD?

Report
EveMarieSaint · 22/07/2014 09:30

Why do you feel manipulated?

Report
Quitelikely · 22/07/2014 09:33

You might benefit from medication. I think you should visit your gp.

Your mother sounds very demanding. You need to look after yourself, hubby and dc before you start thinking about her.

Report
unrealhousewife · 22/07/2014 10:18

Agree with Hellsbells, mother sounds like a narcissist and the root of all your problems. You need to detach, don't answer her calls or texts immediately, contact her knowing what you want to say and what outcome you want from the conversation.

Report
LisaMed · 22/07/2014 10:18

I don't know if this is a help, but in the wedding service in church it says, 'forsaking all other'. This doesn't just mean you can no longer bonk the local rugby team, but that everyone else comes after your husband and your children. It is an idea that once you leave your parents you can still do nice things for them but you have formed a new family that takes precedence.

Really, your mother is trashing your life. I've seen other threads of yours. She is not going to be happy unless you are at her feet being treated like dirt (or worse!) 24/7. I think you need to protect yourself and I would personally have no hesitation in completely going non contact with your mother and working on your marriage. However I know it is easier to type than do.

Whatever you do will be wrong in your mother's eyes. I think you need to think of what is right for you.

Sending hugs and good wishes.

Report
unrealhousewife · 22/07/2014 10:42

looking at the title of your thread, you might be going into a self sabotaging state. You want to please your mother and this is the only thing that will, you pushing away your dh and ruining everything you have.

Try to think of her as being mentally ill, narcissists often genuinely can't help themselves. The only way she can survive emotionally is by being at the top of the tree. Let her live that delusion, be polite, detached and neutral but put your family first.

I rebelled against my father years ago, it was fine. He respected me more in the end and let me be who I needed to be.

Report
areyoumymother · 22/07/2014 20:38

Hope you're doing ok OP Flowers

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.