I've been with DP for nearly 2 years. I have a DS, whom I had pretty much on my own, with whom DP has a great relationship. We don't live together- due to me wanting to take things very slowly (and also, I confess, having a terror of losing my independence). However, we have been discussing moving in with each other for a while, and are increasingly seeing it pretty much as a given. We have also taken the decision to TTC (yup, before moving in together. Because I'm 40, and time is not in our favour).
In general, DP is great- helpful, sensitive, good company. However, we occasionally have stupid, stupid destructive arguments over nothing.
Tonight, for example. It was about curry. Except that it wasn't about curry, obviously. It was about DP having worked solidly, with very little food or sleep (arguably his choice- he knew about the deadline for months in advance and decided to start work on the project a couple of weeks ago, with the result that he was unable to come on the nice camping weekend with DS and I that we had planned- a weekend that was, therefore, pretty hard on me too) all weekend.
It was about him making a throwaway comment about something and me contradicting him, as it's a subject that I know a lot more about. It was about him getting increasingly more het up and coming up with increasingly more ludicrous arguments to prove he was right, often contradicting himself. It was about me getting more and more het up because what he was saying wasn't true, or making sense any more, which is something that really distresses me (I should point out at this point that I suspect I have Asperger's, and find people saying stuff that they surely must understand doesn't make sense really bewildering and upsetting).
It ended in him accusing me of calling him a liar, and storming out. (I hadn't exactly, but did say "You just construct more and more ludicrous excuses to avoid admitting you're wrong!"). Just as I'd put the finishing touches to the nice dinner I'd cooked for the both of us, and on a night when I think I'm about to ovulate. So, I guess our chances of conceiving this cycle are pretty slim 
.
I'm starting to wonder if our relationship is going to survive incidents like this. We have to find a way through these arguments. Most couples are able to have enjoyable differences of opinion over random subjects without it turning into WW3, I'm sure. I don't know if counselling is the answer. I don't know if there is an answer. Any thoughts?
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Relationships
We need to stop having these stupid, destructive arguments- but how?
stubbornstains · 21/07/2014 22:18
Thanks for your replies early birds! I was beginning to feel like a bit of a Billy No-Replies last night, as I sat there drinking wine until 1.30 am (of course! 
You all speak a lot of sense. Funnily enough, DP and I seem to communicate very well on the "big" issues, and have lovely, textbook, grown up discussions about moving in together (which he has always been keener on than me), babies etc.
Being naturally cautious and slow to trust, I take a lot of notice of how he behaves towards me and DS (4), and most of the time he couldn't be a better partner/ person in DS's life.
And yet, and yet....These arguments show a side of him that I don't understand, and that frightens me. There is no need for these arguments to kick off in the way they do. We have talked about it after previous rows, and he has said that we need to agree to differ, but I don't really think that we've got to the root of what triggers this, and how to stop it. I'm afraid that something pretty telling is that I worry that he won't understand how I feel about this and listen to my concerns unless we enlist the help of a third party- ie a counsellor. I hope I'm wrong about that.
Definitely some of the problem is that he is not as comfortable as me with expressing how he's feeling- whether ill, tired, upset because of previous issues, whatever. He'll bottle it up, and then make me suffer by going quiet- something I HATE because it's a tactic that my (borderline abusive) dad uses. I mean, I have gone through periods of work-related stress and exhaustion (during which he has been very supportive), and, although I've complained about my lot, crucially I haven't taken it out on him.
By the way, re: the camping: I went with DS, and had a nice (although tough, as probably anyone who has been camping with kids will relate to) time. I didn't give DP a hard time about not coming, and he complained bitterly about not being able to come. So when (if?!) we have a calm talk about "stuff", I'll gently point out to him that he could have avoided a lot of this by managing his workload better....
...OK, maybe I should take a look at my need to always be right!
It doesn't sound like you need to always be right necessarily. I also don't get along with people that find themselves in a bind and would rather waste time whining about how hard life is instead of either fixing the problem or making the best of a bad job. People who bottle things up and go silent I don't mind so much, until they accuse me of not caring because I'm not interested enough in why they're silent... .... or they lose their temper with me because they haven't dealt with the problem.
And it's for that last reason that I think the pair of you should talk. If he genuinely struggles to communicate then you have to find a way to make 'regular expression of feelings' a natural part of your relationship. If he's just attention-seeking, see it for what it is.
I don't always need to be right. If we're talking about something that's one of DP's "specialist" subjects, I will defer to his superior knowledge, ask questions and be genuinely interested.
If we're talking about one of my "specialist" subjects, it would be great if he could do the same, but he will do anything to avoid admitting I know more about it than him. Up to and including making up complete gibberish.
During a previous ginormous argument last year (after which we split up for a couple of months- I know, drip feedtastic), he told me (quite aggressively) that he feels patronised and belittled when I correct him on stuff I know more about than him. I'm trying to work out to what extent I should take his feelings into this into consideration, and to what extent I should let him know that he has to deal with his stuff, grow up and sort his head out- as I am not patronising and belittling him at all.
I suppose that I need to lose my fear. Fear of not having another child, fear of the effect on DS of losing DP (he has already been telling me how sad he feels this morning that DP wasn't here when he woke up ), fear of missing all the good times I have with DP. Because the only way this is going to work is to impress upon DP that this relationship WILL end unless we make an open, ongoing attempt to resolve this. And I'm beginning to feel, sadly, that the effort is going to have to be more on DP's side than on mine.
My dp and I will also have these sort of arguments. It starts out over a little thing, but then escalates into "it's the principle of the thing" (me) and "you're making a big deal out of nothing" (him) which leads to accusations of him not taking my concerns seriously, him accusing me of having pmt (sometimes true!) and then I feel disrespected and gather up all his stuff and tell him to go home!
It's the same cycle over and over (about once a month 
but each time we have got better at dealing with it as we have come to realise that it doesn't have to spell the end.
His way of looking at it is to dissect everything that was said, try to understand my side, try to convince me of his side etc, but that inevitably causes more tears and upset.
My way is to just say "let's forget about it", but I do tend to harbour a bit of resentment, so this isn't entirely successful either. Most recently we both just accepted that we already know how we both feel and what we shouldn't have said. We know that we love each other and we don't want to waste our time arguing when we could be happy together.
After the last storming off session this weekend. He just sent me a message asking if he could come over and when he arrived we had a hug, went for some lunch and had a laugh about it. A little bit of time apart helped us both to put it in perspective. In that respect I wonder if you would be best not to move in together for the time being, to make sure you both have somewhere to retreat to. I know you're feeling the ticking of the clock, but don't rush into something unless you're fully prepared for another child to be a part of this sometimes confusing and messy relationship.
Communication is key, but sometimes, you can communicate your feelings without words, so perhaps try to agree that neither of you expects a big apology, neither of you wants to convince the other that your own opinion is the only right one. You just agree to differ and move on.
We're both stubborn and don't like to make the first move, but DP usually does, as I'm a bit scared of rejection if I contact him first. He told me that I never need to worry about making the first move to reconcile, as all I need to do is send a message saying "get your arse over here, I miss you" and he will be there like a shot. No expectations, no apologies needed.
This has taken a huge burden off my shoulders actually, because it's always seemed previously that showing weakness and wanting to see him was admitting defeat, but I can now feel confident that missing him and wanting to be ok again is not weakness, it can be a strength.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble, but it hope that maybe sharing the way it happens with us might help you to think about resolving things in an amicable way. Dp always says that he wants to make me happy and I want to make him happy, so why would we carry on arguing if we could just 'not'. Seems simple, but it's hard to put into practice!
That is a helpful post, penelope, and sounds like us. Thanks.
The fragile ego thing rings a bell, cogito. He admitted he has low self esteem after our big bust up last year, and I wouldn't take him back until he'd had some counselling. He had 2 sessions, and then found some excuse not to go any more. Because he was all fixed after that, obviously .
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